Today's Big Stuff 1.24.22

1.24.22

It’s Monday. There are 288 days until the midterm elections. Sinema gets an FU from Arizona Democrats, Republicans start their Jan. 6 retribution and this Ukraine stuff is getting real.

Be advised. We cuss a lot, we misspell a lot of words and today we’re just plane wired. Plain weird. Fuck.

Note: Sexy Patriot!s How the effin’ heck are you?! We missed y’all this weekend. But it always makes us smile to know that y’all are out there being patriotic and sexy as all hell. We had a great weekend. Those were some truly remarkable football games, we had some nice meals and the president of the United States wasn’t orange or harassing us with his twitter account. But then last night, shit got odd. While looking for a movie, we came across a surprising and bizarre director’s cut of Brian De Palma’s 1983 movie “Scarface.”

We’ve seen this movie several times, but apparently there was an update to the ending that features Donald Trump Jr. Yeah, shocked the shit out of us too. So if you’ll forgive the added size of today’s TBS, we have a copy of the script of this cut scene and we’d like to share it with you…

(Tony Montana is sitting behind his desk holding a giant machine gun, a massive pile of cocaine is on the desk in front of him. Gunmen have infiltrated the grounds. Don Jr. comes sprinting into the room speaking in a hurried voice.)

DJ: Hey buddy! Long time no see. How’s the family? Mind if I get some of that cocaine?

Tony: No man. You do too much.

DJ: That’s crazy, Tony old buddy old pal! I just want a little taste. Then I’m gonna go record a video with my phone about Hunter Biden’s breath and why Tucker is right about wantin’ to fuck lady M&Ms.

Tony: What? That doesn’t make any sense. You really need to stop doing drugs.

DJ: No way bro! People love that shit. I’m ready to get fucked up and speak some fuckin’ truth, bro!

Tony: Look, man. My nickname is Scarface, and I am synonymous with cocaine. There is a mountain of blow on my desk. My face is covered in it. I can’t feel anything, haven’t felt anything for weeks and I’m about to start shooting lots and lots of people with this machine gun/grenade launcher before an assassin takes me out. AND EVEN I’M TELLING YOU THAT YOU CLEARLY HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED TO GET SOME HELP AND REALLY REALLY REALLY STOP GOING ON FUCKING CAMERA.

DJ: I can’t believe the Deep State and Hunter Biden and Disney got to you, bro. I’m just gonna get a taste and hit the road. Gotta keep chasin’ that daddy love. Later, bro.

And scene.

Note two: Unlike Junior, the Gary Busey of Trumps, drug problems are no laughing matter. We know this pandemic and the whole apocalypse thing has only made these issues worse for a lot of folks, so if you think things are out of control, reach out and ask for some help. Love y’all.

Note three: Speaking of being on drugs, which genius gave Mike Flynn and Rudy Giuliani honorary degrees to begin with? More: CNN

Note four: The NYT is back at it. But instead of kissing the asses of diner-dwelling white supremacists, they’re not finding the color and humanity of the human garbage that attacked our Capitol. More: Press Run

Note five: We had so much fun making fun of Aaron Rogers and Tucker Carlson this weekend. They are truly dangerous dumbfucks, but goddamn they can be hilarious. More: USA Today, The Daily Beast

Note six: Trump won’t pay his terrorists’ legal fees. But he’s pointing them to someone who will. Yeah, the GOP is all in on their coup attempt. More: CNN

Note seven: Did y’all know John Stockton is a fucking moron? Why can’t every former NBA player be like Rex Chapman? More: Spokesman

Note eight: The Jan. 6 committee has been having “conversations” with Bill Barr. We don’t know what that means, but we know that motherfucker is lying no matter what he’s saying. More: CNN

Note nine: Texas Republican officials are apparently unbound by any laws and do whatever the hell they want. What a super cool place to live. More: Texas Tribune

Note 10: The Republican war on Black America has really stepped up considerably in the last year. Don’t miss what happened in Mississippi last week. More: Huff Post

Note 11: And Florida. More: NBC News

Note 12: Seems like we as a country ought to be able to take RFK Jr. to court and get his last name legally changed to Dumbfuck-Notakennedy. More: CNN

Note 13: Remember when those Republican operatives were nominated to be Supreme Court justices and they said they respected precedent? Well that was a fucking lie, and now they’re going after affirmative action. More: CNN

Note 14: The Supreme Court is going to overturn Roe this year. It is very popular. Even Fox News says so, but we ain’t linking to that shit here. More: CNN

Note 15: Politico turned 15 this weekend. What do you get the publication that ruined everything?

Note 16: Remember last week when Mitch McConnell said Black Americans aren’t real Americans? Yeah, we’re not fucking forgetting either.

Note 17: Sarah Palin is suing the NYT, but she couldn’t be in court today because she tested positive for COVID, gonorrhea and being dumber than dog shit. Oh Sarah. Never change. Actually, change everything. More: Reuters

Note 18: Ok, SPs, we gotta get our hot asses to the news. We hope y’all had a great weekend, and we just know this is gonna be a fantastic fucking week. Love y’all!

The Arizona Asshole

The Arizona Democratic Party censured turncoat Kyrsten Sinema over the weekend. They said in a statement they took no pleasure in it. But we did. Yeah, she is the fucking worst. When reached for comment, Sinema said she was just happy to be getting some attention. She didn’t really say that, but we suspect it’s true. Thank you to Arizona Democrats. We look forward to helping you get her out of office. Also, thanks to Bernie for saying the shit about Sinema and Manchin that needs to be said. More: ABC News, Rolling Stone

Here we go

The new Republican AG has fired the University of Virginia’s lawyer who also just happens to be the lead investigator for the Jan. 6 committee. His office said the two things were unrelated. We think he’s a fucking liar. Yeah, they are coming after us for investigating their coup attempt. Newt went on Fox this weekend and said the committee members could well end up in jail. What a normal fucking country we’re having! Oh and the same asshole AG said he wants SCOTUS to overturn Roe. Congrats on becoming Florida, Virginia. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II

All eyes on Ukraine

The Biden administration is doing just about everything it can to stop Russia from going into Ukraine. But we’re guessing it still happens anyway. And when it does, we’ll support the U.S. and her allies and Republicans will support Putin. Because shit is just that fucked up. If you pray, pray for peace. More: CNN

Today’s clips

U.S. stocks fell sharply Monday coming off their worst week since the beginning of the pandemic, with the S&P 500 index slipping into correction territory and the Dow tumbling more than 700 points. More: Washington Post

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