Today's Big Stuff 12.3.21

December 03, 2021

12.3.21

Happy Friday. There are 340 days until the midterm elections. America is getting back to work, Republicans plan to run on nothing and a government shutdown is averted. 

Be advised: We cuss and spell stuff wrong because the world is all fucked up and getting more fucked up with each passing doy.  

Note: Well hey there, you sexy mf-ing patriots! Anybody else happier than a pig in shit that the weekend is upon us? Yeah, we are too. We don’t know about y’all, but this week back after the break really kicked our asses. And our asses were already pretty bruised from the last five years of endless horrifying and deadly stupidity. It’s like we’re all Rand Paul and… nope, we are definitely not Rand fucking Paul so let’s just stop that comparison right now.

Still, the undeniable truth of the matter is that — and we think this is how Shakespeare would have put it — shit is seriously fucked up these days. Take yesterday for example. On one hand you have Joe Biden saying hey let’s be smart and beat COVID and you have Chris Murphy saying hey let’s be smart and actually pass some goddamn background checks on guns and then on the other hand, you have a whole fucking political party that’s like no let’s not do those things and instead let’s go put our dicks in electrical sockets, propose marriage to our cousins and see how much hog diarrhea we can chug before we get sick. So today we want to remind you of one very, very important truth — you are not crazy; those deranged motherfuckers are. 

In fact, you’re about the only sane ones left, as evidenced by your continued subscription to this brilliant, smoking hot, America-saving newsletter. But we can sure as hell understand if you feel like you’re losing your mind or lost what was left of it a long time ago. You didn’t though. Everyone else did. You are doing fucking fantastic, and we’re damn proud to know you. Seriously. Give yourself some credit. You’ve been through absolute hell these past few years and you’re still standing, still fighting, still believing. You’re like Rocky if Rocky had to try and stop his opponents from killing and eating everyone in the arena. 

This week was a hard one, sexy patriots. If you’re struggling with it, we feel you. We’re also standing right here next to you, and we’re not going anywhere except back into that goddamn fray. But first, we’re gonna ice our asses and watch something silly on the teevee. We love y’all, and we hope you can take a little time to be good to yourself this weekend. You’ve sure as hell earned it. More: CNN, The Hill

chip in a cup of coffee to TBS here!

Note two: Can’t you just hear Sam’s Kentucky accent when you read a phrase like “happier than a pig in shit?” Maybe TBS needs a weekly podcast…

Note three: We are Team Mary Trump around here, and we hope she kicks her uncle’s ass all over the courtroom. More: Bloomberg

Note four: We almost went with this story for our opening note if only for the joke that eating magic dirt doesn’t cure COVID — it just makes you a magic dirtbag. Yeah, the thing about hog diarrhea was way better. Thank god it’s the weekend. More: NBC News

Note five: Team Kraken has to pay up some legal fees. And Sidney Powell looks to be in some trouble, which we never would’ve expected from a lunatic traitor piece of shit. More: Washington Post, The Guardian

Note six: RIP to the Big Ragoo. More: Deadline

Note seven: If by chance you’re in way too good of a mood and looking for something to be pissed off about, this should do it. More: Washington Post

Note eight: John Kennedy is an asshole. We don’t even have anything clever to say about it. Just a real asshole. More: Huff Post

Note nine: Ron DeSantis wants his own private military force. Excuse us while we go write the rest of today’s TBS while hiding under the bed. More: CNN

Note 10: Democrats are getting Americans clean drinking water and Marjorie Taylor Gross drinks her own pee because she likes the taste. That’s a rip-off of a joke from Dodgeball, but it’s messed up just how close that is to the truth of what the midterm choice will look like for Americans. More: NBC News

Note 11: Remember how excited we were yesterday about Stacey Abrams running for governor? Well we’re still excited as all hell, but we’re a little embarrassed we missed all this other good news from Georgia. More: Raw Story

Note 12: If Kyrsten Sinema wants to be hated, she has succeeded. Like really, really succeeded. Congrats or some shit. More: CNN

Note 13: While Roe is going down soon — we seriously can’t stop thinking about how fucked up this is — it’s worth remembering daily that abortion is pretty much already illegal in Texas. More: Texas Tribune

Note 14: Thank goodness for judges who aren’t as chickenshit as the Department of Justice. More: CNN, CNN II

Note 15: Florida, what in THE hell are y’all doing? If they hadn’t put Ted Bundy down, that sonofabitch would be the next governor. More: CNN

Note 16: We keep hearing dumbasses talking about citizens arrests. Is that something we can do to Mark Meadows? More: CNN

Note 17: Could Pennsylvania Republicans not find a nutjob asshole who actually lives in Pennsylvania? They sure don’t seem to have a shortage of them from where we’re standing. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note 18: LOL. Kayleigh Whateverhernamewas said she never lied because she’s a Christian with a fancy education. What a miserable goddamn liar. More: Business Insider

Note 19: We’ve run out of words and ways to describe how much we hate Joe Manchin. He has all but single-handedly wrecked whatever momentum Democrats had, he has stalled our agenda and he has repeatedly sold us out to his donors. More: CNN

Note 20: We’re sending our best vibes and support to E. Jean Carroll who is in court taking on Trump. Git his ass. More: CNN

Note 21: Ok you gorgeous badass freedom fighters, let’s get to the news and then let’s get to the weekend. Remember — self care is important, hope is our greatest asset and Republicans want to kill us all. Have a great weekend! Love y’all! 

LFG

Despite some seriously shitty reporting from the MSM, the new jobs report continues to show that Joe Biden’s efforts are working and America is getting back to work. The new unemployment number is 4.2 percent, which CBO said we wouldn’t reach until 2025. The number of jobs is 210,000 and that’s what the MSM is howling about because it’s below expectations but maybe their happy asses could remember like just a few fucking weeks ago when we learned that the summer numbers had been revised upward by 625,000 jobs (they were revised upward another 82,000 in this report) and that will almost definitely happen here. We still have work to do, but this economy is hot. More: Washington Post

A show about nothing

No, we’re not talking about Seinfeld. We’re talking about the Republican Party. For the second election in a row, the GOP will not have any real party platform to run. Why? Because they are an empty vessel that is only filled with Donald Trump’s whims, desires and destruction. So Mitch McConnell, who for about two seconds blamed Trump for an actual goddamn attack on our Capitol, is now telling people Republicans won’t have a platform. And it’s actually the most honest fucking thing they’ve done in a long time. More: Axios

Yay?

So yesterday the House and Senate found enough sense to pass a continuing resolution to keep the government open. Doesn’t it seem like that’s all they fucking do? Anyway, only one Republican in the House voted with us, and we gave up a straight up or down vote on vaccine mandates in the Senate just to get this done. But at least we don’t have to worry about a shutdown until February. Now about that debt ceiling… More: CNBC

Today’s clips

This week’s Supreme Court argument on abortion has accelerated an urgency among Senate Democrats to fundamentally alter how the court operates, fueled in part by lingering anger over Republican confirmation maneuvers that have led to three new conservative justices in the past four years.

Activists and local lawmakers in both parties are rapidly preparing for the Supreme Court to curtail federally guaranteed abortion rights in coming months, launching strategies for imposing new restrictions and protections in anticipation of the moment when individual states would have greater power to determine the future of reproductive laws in America.

The Biden administration's new, stricter Covid-19 testing requirements for all travelers coming to the United States will take effect on Monday, an administration official told CNN.

More: CNN

But public health experts in Minnesota and nationwide are urging Americans not to lose sight of the fact that the overwhelming majority of the nation’s coronavirus cases — and those in Minnesota — are caused by the highly transmissible delta variant. Over the past six months delta has been responsible for some of the worst spikes of the entire pandemic. It is so contagious that even states with above-average vaccination rates have seen surges — and many are bracing for cases to increase again.

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