Today's Big Stuff 12.2.21

12.2.21

It’s Thursday. There are 341 days until the midterm elections. Biden to offer free at-home tests, Justice Sotomayor calls out SCOTUS’s “stench” and some much-needed good news in Georgia.

Be advised: Anybody in the mood for some cuss words and some misspelled words? Well then you motherfeckers are in luck.

Note: Hey there, sexiest of the sexified patriots. How are you today? No, we’re seriously asking — how the hell are y’all doing? We ask because yesterday was rough. Like really rough. The SCOTUS arguments alone really fucked us up. We might have even pissed ourselves. Like we totally didn’t but you’re going to want to avoid that couch in the den where the dog Sam doesn’t have had an accident. Adam actually does have dogs, dogs who weirdly knew how to piss in his pants. What? Don’t look at us like that. Reading the news and then pissing yourself is more American than fucking baseball these days, and it’s about goddamn time we ended the stigma.

That’s why we’re introducing a TBS line of Holy Fucking Shit Did You See What Happened Diapers for all ages. Yeah, there’s always been this taboo about people who aren’t little children or senior citizens who wear diapers, a taboo we find shameful. Like you’re such a big man because you’re 38 and make it to the potty on time all the time. Well not anymore. We’re making diapers cool for everyone because everything is just so fucked up nobody has time to keep running to the bathroom every time they see something on the news that makes them piss themselvs. Seriously. We live in a world that would have to be saved by Superman 70 goddamn times to even be called a dumpster fire. If you’re not pissing yourself, you’re not paying attention.

So please, get yourself a box of Holy Fucking Shit Did You See What Happened Diapers. Your couch will thank you for it. And honestly, between Democrats seemingly trying to lose everything and Republicans promising to kill everyone who looks at them funny, you’re gonna want to stock up on these babies before we hit shit-yourself season. Now we know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re hot as hell and we’ve been shitting ourselves since 2016. Well, you’re right. And you’re ripe. And you’re not alone. So let’s diaper up, and get back to the fight.

Note two: LOL. What the hell was that? You want to hear something crazy? We just wrote a few hundred words about soiling ourselves, and we’re still having a more respectable morning than most Washington news organizations.

Note three: We’re glad there seems to be a deal coming together to stave off a government shutdown, but honestly we kinda wouldn’t mind a little clarity for a very confused American public — Democrats are fighting COVID and Republicans are fighting for it. Goddamnit. Do you ever feel like every day you wake up to watch a show called psychos vs. chickenshits? More: CNN, Washington Post

Note four: That Michigan school shooter’s mom was a Trump fanatic. Guess we know where he was radicalized. More: Raw Story

Note five: Former DOJ lawyer and coup plotter Jeffrey Clark plans to take the fifth. Sure sounds like an innocent guy with nothing to hid. More: CNN

Note six: Mask mandates work. Republicans covered that up. And not with a mask. More: Missouri Independent

Note seven: When you hear people on our side understandably furious about this Remain in Mexico bullshit, please inform them that a right-wing asshole judge is forcing this and that Biden tried to undo it. Because if there’s one thing voters appreciate, it’s excuses. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Here’s today’s reminder that Facebook is absolute garbage. More: Washington Post

Note nine: It’s still just so weird for us to imagine a world without the steady hand of Angela Merkel. More: The Guardian

Note 10: So y’all know we’re proud Democrats. But we’re not Democratic Fox News, which is to say we aren’t just mindless ass-kissers. When our side is fucking up, we say something. Well, this story about Eric Garcetti is fucked up. And the White House comment in the story ain’t great either. More: NY Mag

Note 11: Omicron is here. Like anything fashionable, it started in California. More: LA Mag

Note 12: What’s more amazing? What Democrats are trying to pass for the American people or that the American people don’t really seem to give a shit? More: New York Times

Note 13: It’s weird that Russia is so emboldened. But if TBS ever owned an American president, we’d probably act like dicks too. More: CNN

Note 14: Symone Sanders is an absolute freaking star, and we’re sorry to see that she’s leaving the Vice President’s office. We wish her the best. More: CNN

Note 15: This is a nice takedown of an NBA con artist whose only skills at this point are joining racist assholes in attacking LeBron. Congrats, Enes, you’re a real American. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Trump judges are blocking Biden’s vaccine mandates. Welcome to the forever pandemic courtesy of the Republican Party. More: Huff Post

Note 17: Young people are worried about the state of American democracy. The rest of us are still trying to figure out how to make our Roku work and wondering when the fuck they’re gonna bring back Sanka. More: NPR

Note 18: It is endlessly astonishing just how openly corrupt and cynical Sinema and Manchin are. There are fucking stories like this every goddamn day. More: Huff Post

Note 19: If you happen to know anyone dumb enough to give Trump money for his newest venture, please give us their number so we can steal from them too. More: Reuters

Note 20: Can you imagine the news freakout if this said Biden instead of Trump? More: NBC News

Note 21: Two election workers who have had their lives ruined are suing right-wing media. So um where the fuck is DOJ and why don’t they have these people’s backs?

Note 22: Alrighty, you badass rock stars, let’s get our hot asses to the news, shall we? We’re just gonna run change pants real quick and we’ll be right back. We hope y’all are hanging in there and keeping your heads up. Love y’all!

New plan

Instead of telling us the new variant will just magically go away, Joe Biden will address the nation today and talk about a plan for the winter months so we’re not losing 4,000 Americans every goddamn day like last winter when Trump was more focused on his coup. As part of the plan, the president is going to require insurance companies to cover the cost of reliable at-home tests. This is an important (and probably overdue) step. We’re sure Republicans will hate it. More: Washington Post, CNN

“Stench”

That’s the word Justice Sotomayor used to describe the obvious political bent of the Supreme Court yesterday as the corrupt right-wing justices made clear that they are about to finish off Roe. Yesterday was a bleak goddamn day in a country that pretends to value freedom but is about to put the goddamn government in charge of women’s bodies. Congrats to every 2016 asshole who told us Hilllary and Trump were exactly the same and we had nothing to worry about. More: Washington Post, TPM, Associated Press, Buzzfeed News

Some good news

Holy fucking shit did we ever need this. Tireless freedom fighter and all-around superstar Stacey Abrams has announced she is running for governor of Georgia again. We’re not even gonna add to this. It’s just great fucking news, and we think we all really needed it. Go get ‘em, Stacey! More: AJC

Today’s clips

D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer Michael Fanone, who was brutally attacked by Donald Trump supporters during the assault on the U.S. Capitol, said the newly released FBI interview with the assailant who drove a stun gun into Fanone’s neck on Jan. 6 illustrates how the former president “manipulated” his followers.

More: Huff Post

In Donald Trump’s final months in office, lobbyists swarmed the White House in hopes of securing pardons for their clients. It was a cash bonanza for Beltway insiders aspiring to bend the aggrieved president’s ear, as disclosures required by federal law later revealed.

More: The Daily Beast

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.