Today's Big Stuff 12.21.21

12.21.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 322 days until the midterm elections. And there’s only one more 2021 TBS. GASP! (Sorry). The Jan. 6 committee considers criminal referrals as Trump promises another event next year, Omicron is no joke and some exciting White House pet news that isn’t about Lindsey Graham. 

Be advised: We’re getting weird today as we misspell stuff like we’re drunk and cuss like a bunch of fucking sailprs.

Note: Ho-Ho-Holy shit we’re almost there. We’re getting close to that winter break, and we don’t mind telling y’all we have been looking forward to it. Well, we were. Now look, we don’t want to do this. It is our preference to keep things light and breezy and not fucking depressing like so much other shit happening right now. But we are your weird and twisted and insanely attractive newsletter, and so when dangerous and important shit is afoot, we feel like it’s our duty to tell you about it.

So it is in that spirit that we must warn you about a bad batch of Christmas trees. Yeah, apparently some goddamn genius bred some Gremlins with some Christmas trees and obviously someone got them wet like right away and so now there are dangerous, deadly and rude but in a radical way Gremlin trees out there fucking up your Christmas. Yeah, our friend Ethel just got ate by her own tree. And then it slept with her husband! We told you they were rude. So either throw those sonsofbitches in the wood chipper or keep an eye on ‘em. We can’t have y’all getting eaten by your own goddamn Christmas trees. 

Now we probably should confess and tell y’all we made that up. Given these last five or six years, you could be forgiven for just assuming that yes of course it’s real that Christmas trees are coming alive and eating people and stealing their spouses. But they are not. As far as we know. So we’ve got that going for us. And folks, that’s something we can work with. So if you’re feeling a little bummed or blue or this Holy Shit holiday season has got you a little freaked, just remember two things: 1. At least your Christmas tree and your better half probably aren’t planning to kill and eat you and 2. We love you, we know you’re doing the best you can in some truly crazy times and we’re gonna get through this. We’ve got one more TBS for the year coming tomorrow, but we just wanted to ask you to be good to yourself this holiday season. You deserve it:)

Note two: Ok if that didn’t do it for you, then the president of the United States is speaking at 2:30 eastern. He’s going to be talking about omicron. He’s going to announce half a billion tests that will be sent for free beginning next month. He’s going to announce military mobilization for places hardest hit. He’s going to lead us through this. He probably won’t be talking about human-eating Christmas trees that want to destroy your marriage. More: Washington Post

Note three: This White House memo is about how we’re better off than we were a year ago. Ain’t that the damn truth. More: Axios

Note four: Huge congrats to Dr. Alisha Kramer and her husband, Sen. Jon Ossoff, on the birth of their daughter. What a wonderful holiday miracle. More: People

Note five: It’s probably nothing but OH SHIT STEVE BANNON IS OPENLY TALKING ABOUT TAKING OVER OUR FUCKING ELECTION APPARATUS. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: Yesterday one of y’all sent us an email that just said “great newsletter fuckheads.” LOL. We’ve never felt so seen. Keep ‘em coming. 

Note seven: How is it possible this dumb sonofabitch hasn’t run out of money yet? More: Yahoo Finance

Note eight: Yes, Virginia, it is a bad thing that these bootlicking cultists won’t acknowledge the real winner of the 2020 election. More: CNN

Note nine: You know what we didn’t do yesterday? We didn’t worship a double-murdering virgin like he’s a goddamn rock god. Can we please get these monsters some real fucking heroes before they kill us all? More: Vice

Note 10: Joe Manchin said yesterday he fucked over millions of Americans and the economy because the White House staff was mean to him. What a whiny little baby. Democratic leadership cooled off their criticism of the hillbilly liar yesterday and they all agreed to keep working toward a new agreement in the new year. More: Reuters, CNN, Talking Points Memo

Note 11: Every time you think Joe Manchin might be the most clueless, out-of-touch, self-defeating white guy in America you remember Stephen Breyer is still on the bench. More: CNN

Note 12: If you love the holidays and you love cooking shows, we’re recommending “Baking It” on Peacock. It’s Andy Samberg and Maya Rudolph hosting a baking competition that is judged by grandmas, and it is straight up fucking delightful. 

Note 13: The Pentagon is gonna step up its efforts to fight extremism in its own ranks. Charlie Flynn still in the army? Ok cool. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Officer Michael Fanone has resigned. We want to wish him well. He sure as hell deserved better than what the Republican Party has put him through. More: Washington Post

Note 15: RIP Wayne Slater, a newspaper reporters’s reporter. More: Dallas News

Note 16: Oklahoma really does bring that old-fashioned not-fucking-around racism, doesn’t it? More: NBC News

Note 17: Y’all get boosted yet? 

Note 18: We don’t normally celebrate birthdays around here, but Samuel L. Jackson is like a spirit animal for this cussing newsletter, and Jane Fonda is just awesome. So happy birthday to both of them motherfuckers. 

Note 19: Poor Dr. Fauci. He just does not deserve this fucked up shit. More: The Daily Beast

Note 20: Are you watching holiday movies yet? We sure as heck are. Send us your favorites. Maybe we missed one. 

Note 21: And on that note, let’s get to the news! We hope shit isn’t getting too crazy for you gorgeous freedom fighters. The important thing to remember is this — everyone else might think that everyone else is crazy. But you’re the only one who’s right. Have a great day!

J6

Ok, so the Jan. 6 committee is now looking to talk to their colleague, Rep. Scott Perry, and they’re looking at criminal referrals, per the NYT, which some are arguing might make any decision Garland makes look political. That’s dumb. Build a case and force Merrick to prosecute it. No more worry about what might happen if we actually stand up for shit. Second, Trump put out a statement attacking the committee this morning and he pledged to have a press conference at Mar-a-Lago on the anniversary to talk about the real insurrection. Yeah, he’s fucking crazy. Trump’s planned event comes as the Speaker of the House says she’s planning a day of commemoration and as right-wing loser scumbag groups plan to gather outside the DC jail to protest the treatment of their right-wing loser scumbag buddies. More: New York Times, Washington Post, Washington Post II

Omicronasty

So this shit is already everywhere. Yesterday they said it had jumped to represent 73 percent of all cases. We don’t know if all this talk of it being mild actually means shit, so we’re going back to serious caution levels. We’re boosted and we’ve upped our mask game. We’ve made it this far, y’all. Let’s make it even farther. So please be safe out there. More: Associated Press

Good news!

Ok let’s close on some good news today. The White House has a new puppy. Yeah, little Commander is on the scene and being all kinds of adorable. Major found a new family, and honestly we think he’s lucky to be getting away from politics. Oh and there’s a cat coming to join the first family in the coming weeks. We’re sure this will all piss off Politico, but to us humans, it’s pretty fun news. More: CNN

Today’s clips

The Environmental Protection Agency on Monday will tighten fuel emissions standards for cars and light trucks to 40 miles per gallon by the 2026 model year, replacing the looser Trump-era standards. More: CNN

A Washington state man was sentenced to 46 months in jail for assaulting a police officer with a dangerous weapon in a tunnel at the US Capitol on January 6. More: CNN

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