Today's Big Stuff 12.20.21

12.20.21

It’s Monday. There are 323 days until the midterm elections. Joe Manchin screws his party, the economy and the world, House Republicans are coming for us and Biden plans an Omicron speech for Tuesday.

Be advised: Are we cussing more than usual today? Probably. Are we misspelling stuff more than usual? You bet your fucking ass we arp.

Note: Hi, Sexy Patriots. You’re looking fine as can be, and frankly, we’d like to know your secret. Because we had a few moments this weekend when we were just about to straight up motherfreaking lose it. Joe Manchin. Omicron. Omicron. Joe Manchin. Enough! It’s like we need to all find a way to join together and vent like some hot ass volcanoes. And we thought, hey, what if we all went outside at a predetermined and agreed upon time and just screamed at the sky! You could cuss or scream deep dark secrets or just blurt out your ATM pin number because you know you’ve been dying to. We could call it the 2020s scream.

And then it hit us — No, you gorgeous fucking idiots! That’s exactly what this virus wants us to do! Screaming an airborne virus into the air all at once?! C’mon guys! And then we realized it was such a stupid goddamn idea in the first place that only a special kind of moron could come up with it. And then we were like well maybe it came from a Republican governor and then we were like no sigh it came from us and we have to own it. So we’re gonna take five and regroup and try to think of another way we can make this happen without, you know, superspreading like some motherfuckers. We’ll noodle on it and get back to you. Maybe just double middle fingers at the sky. We don’t know. We’ll think about it.

But we do want to leave you with this thought for when the news gets hard — Andy Dufresne didn’t stop halfway through the poop pipe at the end of Shawshank Redemption. That’s right, Andy Dufresne as played by Tim Robbins did not stop halfway through the poop pipe to freedom and say I can’t go on anymore. No, he kept swimming through that river of shit and throwing up and he got his freedom. Well, friends, we gotta keep swimming through the poop pipe. Whatever new challenge we’re facing, we gotta step up and confront it. It’s what we do. Because if we stop in shit river and we just, you know, float away in poo, then they will win and America will become unrecognizable. Plus, we’re already halfway through the poop! Probably! We are already soaked in it! We’re more poop than people after the last five years! It would be crazy to turn back! It’s not an option! So let’s take a deep breath — or not — and keep on swimming. And we swear to god we didn’t mean any of this to be a Shawshank-Dory crossover and we apologize if you took it that way. Back to the poop pipe! We’ll race ya!

Note two: Hey in addition to a chest-thumping pep talk, today we’re offering a public service announcement — get the fuck boosted. If you already have, cool. You know the secret handshake and it’s freaking awesome. The rest of you, get on that shit. Omi (pronounced oh my fucking god) is no joke. Y’all please be safe out there. We need you to laugh and be angry with us, and we need you here to do that. Have a lovely day. More: Washington Post

Note three: In case you missed it last week, the vice president of the United States dropped some truth. More: The Hill

Note four: Hey, so we’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but we wanted to tell y’all to try and not get too down about this Manchin crap. Sometimes when life gives you Manchin, you just have to manch on. Is that stupid? No question. But so is that asshole.

Note five: The Stop the Steal guy gave the J6 committee everything, and Roger Stone and Steve Bannon are fighting over who started it. Delicious. More: Yahoo, The Daily Beast, ABC News

Note six: So in case you missed the good news last week, and really how could you not, Biden is blowing away other presidents when it comes to appointing judges. This is great news. But the hard part is about to start. More: Washington Post

Note seven: We got us a real long J6 prison sentence last week. And while long prison sentences aren’t usually the kind of thing we cheer for around here, we’ll make an exception for these pieces of shit. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Did you see the Omi SNL? It was weird of course, but we sure do appreciate the show-must-go-on attitude. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: It sure seems like a great big giant news story to us that Republicans are going after the Black vote like Ted Cruz goes after being awful. More: New York Times

Note 10: So obviously COVID doesn’t discriminate and it kills people of all walks of life. But goddamn it sure seems to have a laser focus for anti-vax Republican politicians and radio hosts. More: Huff Post

Note 11: Trump seems even more freaked out than usual about the New York case against him and his company. We hear he’s shitting orange bricks. More: New York Times

Note 12: Oh and tangerine taint face says he got his booster. Of course he did. More: Newsweek

Note 13: While we’re on this unpleasant subject, did you see how much the former president of the United States hates Jews? Yikes. More: Washington Post

Note 14: If you want to be moved in a good way today, we recommend this profile of Jamie Raskin. More: Washington Post

Note 15: RIP Sen. Johnny Isakson. More: AJC

Note 16: Ok, go ahead and make these flash cards. Laminate them. And then take them with you to your holiday get together. Joe Biden accomplished a lot in his first year, and we need to remind folks. More: Axios, Bloomberg

Note 17: Seriously why is it not wall to wall news that Trump politicized and undermined the COVID response at every fucking turn?! Is it because we all watched him do it in real time? More: CNN

Note 18: If you know any healthcare workers, check in on them. This country has put them through absolute hell. More: Detroit Free Press

Note 19: If at any point this week you start to feel a little blue, please read this story. And then thank whatever deity you might pray to for Sarah Palin and her role on this earth as an endless goddamn punchline. More: Independent

Note 20: Best wishes to Sens. Booker and Warren who have both tested positive for COVID. Get boosted, y’all!

Note 21: Ok you beautiful rock stars, let’s get to the news! As for our publishing schedule over the holidays, well, we’re thinking we’d put out newsletters through Wednesday and then shut down for the year. Frankly we could use a real recharge before we head into an election year, so we hope that’s cool. But that still means two more days of holiday cussing goodness, so we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Sonofabitch

Yesterday the whole world knew what it was like to be Ned Beatty in Deliverance — screwed by an irredeemable hillbilly. Yeah, Joe Manchin went on Fox and fucked us all. He said he’s against BBB, he said he’s against a filibuster carve out for voting rights and yeah he just fucked us all. Goldman is already making downward revisions to the GDP forecasts, and millions of people who were counting on the child tax credit are fucked. And oh yeah so is the planet. The good news is Senate Democrats aren’t done trying and they’re looking at a scaled back proposal early next year. There’s no putting a silk hat on this pig. It sucks. It sucks bad. More: Huff Post, Huff Post II, CNN, CNN II

A preview

If they win the House next year, House Republicans are planning to go after Biden like his name is Benghazi. They’re already planning stupid hearings and investigations into the origins of COVID (lock up Fauci shit) and whether the NSA spied on Tucker Carlson (it didn’t he’s just a traitor). So yeah, this and Marjorie Taylor Gross with committee assignments and a House that will refuse to certify a presidential election are where we’re headed if we don't’ get our shit together. More: Axios

Big speech

Tomorrow President Biden will give a speech about the Omicron variant and what it means for the winter. It’s gonna be rough. We’re already seeing the White House take a tougher tone with the unvaccinated, and honestly we’re here for it. Kids notwithstanding, we’re out of patience with the unvaxxed and we suspect we’re not alone. Oh and Mr. President, it’s time to take a hammer to Fox News and call them out for their role in prolonging this pandemic. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Sen. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va.) was branded a coward and supporter of monied interests by Democrats on Sunday after declaring that he will not support President Joe Biden’s Build Back Better plan, a decision that likely dooms the bill’s passage in the Senate, which is split on party lines. More: Huff Post

Donald Trump is increasingly agitated by the House select committee investigating the Capitol attack, according to sources familiar with the matter, and appears anxious he might be implicated in the sprawling inquiry into the insurrection even as he protests his innocence. More: The Guardian

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