Today’s Big Stuff 12.19.22

Today’s Big Stuff 12.19.22

It’s Monday. There are 687 days until the midterm elections. The world laughs some more at a billionaire freak, a con-artist gets elected to Congress (we swear that’s news) and the Jan. 6 committee wraps up. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it uses it like a fucking poet. 

Note: Sexy Patriots!!!! How the hell are you this fine day? Are you feeling the yuletide spirit? Do you know what the fuck a yuletide is? We don’t either. But goddamn are we feeling it. As a matter of fact, we’re in such a great goddamn mood today we feel like goddamn Santa Claus. Why? Well, because we’re not billionaires.  

Yikes. Yeah, if we’ve learned anything these last few years, it’s that billionaires and orange shit-for-brains who pretend to be billionaires are seriously fucking broken. Like a Christmas ornament that’s been dropped, stepped on, driven over, napalmed to hell and back and then shat on by a pack of wild clydesdales. Most people’s parents fucked them up a little bit. Billionaires’ parents breastfeed until their kid is 32. Ain’t enough therapy in the world to treat that shit. 

And what is up with the legions of manly men out there just lining up days in advance for a chance to take a deep inhale of some rich fuckhead’s farts? Like did your loser ass daddy teach you to kiss ass like that? Were he and your mom just a pair of those novelty wax candy lips attached to a set of buttcheeks? We’d offer you a nickel so you can go buy some self-respect but we just watched some shithead pay $44 million and still lose what little self-respect he had. 

Anyway, we hope you have an awesome day and happy holidays.

Note two: We should elaborate. We’re gonna drop you an abbreviated TBS tomorrow, but we are wrapping up for the year and setting off on our winter break. We’re damn sorry to leave y’all hanging, but anytime we write a joke like “Billionaires’ parents breastfeed until their kid is 32” we know it’s time to take some time off and recharge the ol’ brain batteries. We love y’all very much, and we are damn grateful to you for such a kick-ass year. 

Note three: Btw, did y’all watch that World Cup game yesterday?! Holy freaking shit that was awesome! Congrats to Argentina and Lionel Messi. And thanks for the show. Wow.

Note four: And while we’re talking sports, congrats to the Minnesota Vikings on winning the biggest comeback in an NFL game. As Democrats, we can relate. More: CNN

Note five: So we normally don’t give a shit about Washington Post stories about how Trump is redecorating Mar-a-Lago, but this one is just so fucking sad. Trump has someone drive behind him in a golf cart with a printer printing out nice things people say about him. WHAT A FUCKING LOSER LOLOLOL!!!! More: Washington Post

Note six: You know something is fucked up when the New York Times can’t both-sides it.

Note seven: We totally keep forgetting Kari Lake is a thing. It’s like we’re Arizona. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Remember when Dark Brandon tapped the strategic oil reserve to lower gas prices? Well he just refilled it now that oil is cheap and made a big profit for the US. He should write a book called The Art of the Deal That Isn’t Bullshit. More: Axios

Note nine: Kevin McCarthy still doesn’t have the votes to become speaker. And we think that is just hilarious. More: Axios

Note 10: The Proud Boys’ sedition trial starts today. That’s right. There are fucking people on trial for sedition against this country. Seems like a big story to us. More: CNN

Note 11: How can you hate this guy? This is fucking adorable!

Note 12: Btw, this is a rough time of year for President Biden, as it is for a lot of Americans. If you’re missing someone at the table this year, we just want you to know how sorry we are. Hang in there over these next couple weeks, SPs. We promise you’re not alone. More: NBC

Note 13: Mike Lee wants to outlaw porn. Nobody shake hands with Mike Lee. More: Business Insider

Note 14: Just a friendly piece of advice, but DO NOT google “Mike Lee porn.” Yikes. 

Note 15: Ron DeSantis said he expects Florida to pass permitless gun carry next year. And this is after he’s gone full anti-vaxx. Did he just not see any election results outside of Florida? More: Tampa Bay

Note 16: Best of luck to the amazing and talented Cecily Strong, who has been a superstar at SNL these last few years. More: CNN

Note 17: How do we know we’re getting old? Sam almost fell asleep before the end of Die Hard last night. And yes, it is a Christmas movie. 

Note 18: The new boss at CNN is a garbage human being. Expect CNN to reflect that.

Note 19: If you haven’t already gotten your booster and flu shot, please do it asap. You’ve still got plenty of time to knock it out before the fam gets together to sneeze and cough all over each other at Christmas.

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do some news and then let’s watch the Jan. 6 committee ruin Trump’s day. Before we go today, we want to wish a Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate!

LOLOL

As we mentioned in the opening note, the new owner of twitter is making an absolute damn fool of himself. After spending the weekend suspending journalists, lying about journalists and changing twitter rules on a whim, Elon Musk wanted to know if the people of twitter want him running things. They do not. Dipshit put up a poll asking if he step down as head of twitter, and the result was 57 percent for yes and 43 percent for no. It’s probably just bullshit as he already has one of his right-wing bootlicks ready to take his place as the  price of Tesla falls off a cliff, but it’s still nice to know we’re not alone in hating the douchedork.

More: CNN

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Yeah, we don’t usually do all-caps like that, but this New York Times story left us no choice. Newly elected U.S. Rep. George Santos is a fraud and a con-artist. And we don’t mean like most members of Congress are frauds and con-artists. Like there doesn’t seem to be anything about this dude that’s true. He didn’t actually work at any of the companies he said he worked at, he didn’t graduate from any of the schools he said he attended, he seems to love him some Nazis and the New York Times went to his address and the people there said they’d never heard of him. So how the fuck did the paper of the record, the DCCC, New York Dems and this asshole’s opponent all fucking miss this shit? He cannot be seated. No way this fraud can be trusted.

More: MSNBC

Let’s go

Today at 1 pm ET, the Jan. 6 committee will have its last business meeting. The days leading up to it have been filled with stories about how the committee is planning to make criminal referrals to DOJ saying Trump attacked the Capitol. Yes, he did. They are also referring members of Congress to the ethics committee, which seems like a joke to us. The committee is starting to fall to infighting as Rep. Liz Cheney tries to protect some old friends, so it’s probably best if DOJ takes it from here. That said, this committee has done good and important work and we are grateful. 

More: CNN, MSNBC

Today’s clips

Donald Trump was slammed for another round of threats and incitement Saturday after evoking last year’s Jan. 6 insurrection — and then telling his followers it’s now time for the FBI and Justice Department “thugs” to be “dealt with.” More: HuffPost

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