Today's Big Stuff 12.15.22

12.15.22

It’s Thursday. There are 691 days until the presidential election. Everyone keeps laughing at a billionaire butt breath, crucial heartbreaking testimony in the House and the most successful Speaker in history has her portrait unveiled.

Be advised: This newsletter has so much cussing it should be called a cussletter. Fuck! Four-letter would’ve been way more clever there. Goddamnit to hell.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Since we decided to rename Thursday as “December Friday” this is our last issue for the week. We’ll probably do one or two more next week and then take a winter break until the new year. So as we start to wind down, we wanted to take a minute to say THANK YOU for an amazing fucking year.

Thank you to the SPs who won in Georgia and expanded the Senate. Thank you to the SPs who limited our losses in the House. Thank you to the SPs who helped us win governors’ races and state legislatures. Thank you to the SPs who gave money, knocked on doors, made calls and texts, fought the good fight on the social media battlefield and pointed and laughed at deranged treasonous incestuous shit-breathed rat-fondling pee-stained hog anuses like this sorry motherfucker…

LOLOL!!!! What the fuck, dude? He still trying to find the other Four Seasons? Or a family reunion? Or is he just reading twitter while he stands on the street and craps his pants? Send us your best captions for that wrinkled buttcheek of a man.

Thanks to your sexy asses, TBS has grown like fucking crazy over the last couple years, and we’re damn excited to see what’s next. We love y’all, we love how you love our country and we love how you look so fucking sexy fighting for it. Have a great weekend, SPs. And if you see that crazy stank sonofabitch from that picture, cross to the other side of the street.

Note two: If we were a little more mature and not so obsessed with making fun of Doodie Pooliani, that opening note would’ve been a heartfelt expression of our undying love for Speaker Nancy Pelosi. But we figured she deserved one of the big news section positions, and we figured she might appreciate the way we made fun of America’s Mayorn’t.

Note three: So we are behind on returning emails, but we did look at your suggestions yesterday for best holiday movie with cussing it it. The most popular choice by far was Bad Santa. Love Actually did well, and The Family Stone was the surprise dark horse. For us, it’s Christmas Vacation, then Scrooged and then like an eight-way tie. That was fun. Thanks for playing our reindeer games, SPs.

Note four: Speaking of Rudy’s pooping himself, the DC bar association says in a preliminary finding that old pissy pants committed at least one violation of attorney rules. It’s good news and it makes us laugh but what the fuck is taking so long? More: CNN

Note five: It’s good to know some things never change. Like John Boehner being a sloppy mess…

Note six: The NCAA is getting a new top dog, and it’s Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker. Nothing about this makes sense to us, but he’s a rich white Republican and they usually get the jobs they want. More: Yahoo Sports

Note seven: So remember how Mark Meadows committed obvious voter fraud by pretending to live in a shack? (We know you do, Pinky) Well, the investigation appears to be done, and now we wait to see if the North Carolina AG is gonna do something about it. And that sonofabitch better do something about it. More: Yahoo

Note eight: So in the hilarious saga of Kevin McCarthy’s quest to be Speaker, there are now five dipshit hardcore right-wingers promising to vote as a bloc — either for or against. Who knows what happens to ol’ Kev? Better yet, who cares? More: Axios

Note nine: Hell yeah! The House has finally voted to remove the bust of Roger Taney, the piece of shit behind the Dred Scott decision, and replace it with Thurgood Marshall. This seems awesome and long overdue. More: CNN

Note 10: Elections matter, y’all. You did this.

Note 11: This seems like a huge story that should be getting more attention. But we say that like every day. Don’t make it any less true though. More: Yahoo News

Note 12: A heartbreaking story we missed yesterday. RIP to tWitch. SPs, if you’re feeling like there’s no daylight ever coming, we promise there is. And we need your sexy ass here. The number to get help is 1-800-273-8255. More: Variety

Note 13: Looks like Democrats are gonna pick Jamie Raskin to be our warrior on House Oversight. He’ll be going up against absolute freaks, so we wish him well. We’re gonna need him. More: Axios

Note 14: Never ever ever forget that Rand Paul is a racist scumbag. More: NJ.com

Note 15: When is the last time the world saw a leader like this? Yeah, we’re coming up blank too.

Note 16: IMPORTANT!!!! We’ve never done that before so you know this is important. COVID cases are blowing up again, and the White House is going back to offering free COVID tests. So just go to the Postal Service website and get your tests. Also, get your ass boosted and get your flu shot. More: NBC News

Note 17: We almost forgot but apparently Trump is making a special announcement today. We’re betting it’s his healthcare plan. Or something really fucking stupid. Yeah, it’s probably something really fucking stupid. UPDATE: It was something really fucking stupid. NO LINK

Note 18: We’ll talk about this more in a moment, but LOLOLOL…

Note 19: And here’s a super positive story about our super awesome FLOTUS to finish off today’s note section. She sure does make it easy to forget the trash that used to have that role. More: The Grio

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, to the news section! Thank y’all for an amazing year, thank you for saving America again and thank you for being so goddamn sexy and patriotic. Y’all have a great fucking weekend, and we’ll see you Monday.

ELOLon

That didn’t really work, but you get the gist. Yesterday QAnon Apartheid Asshead decided to reverse on his commitment to free speech absolutism and ban every account from the kid who tracks Elon’s plane. After the whole internet laughed at him and his tiny peen, twitter came up with a new set of rules that don’t really make sense and exist only to make Elon happy. This dude is a seriously broken loser. And the young man tracking his plane seems quite undeterred.

Courage

Yesterday a House committee heard testimony from survivors of both the Pulse and Club Q shootings, and they didn’t hold back. We recommend watching as much footage of it as there is, but the long and short of it is these brave Americans took a stand and called out the scum who are inciting violence against the LGBTQ community. Thank you to everyone who testified. It couldn’t have been easy.

What can we say?

Y’all know we are long time Nancy Pelosi stans. Well yesterday, the most successful Speaker of the House in American history had her portrait unveiled and like the woman herself, it is stunning. It’s hard to imagine a House Democratic Caucus without her at the helm, but she has earned every single morsel of praise being sent her way. Thank you, Madam Speaker.

Today’s clips

As politicians and organizers across the country battle ongoing abortion restrictions in the wake of Roe v. Wade’s demise, many are gearing up for the next fight in the war on reproductive justice: ensuring continued access to in vitro fertilization and other fertility treatments. More: Huff Post

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