Today's Big Stuff 12.14.22

12.14.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 692 days until the presidential election. Florida man goes full anti-vaxx, Oregon goes pro-life but in a good and real way and a long overdue party at the White House.

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. A jogging newsletter would probably be healthier, but that just sounds fucking exhausting.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you this fine day? That’s awesome and must be why you smell so fantastic. We’re doing pretty good too. Sorta. See it occurred to us yesterday that we keep getting so distracted by total jackassery, Q dipshits and orangeism that we’re worried we’re missing out on some really good news. And we’re not alone.

Like how the fuck are we not all in the streets celebrating this nuclear fusion shit? We’ve got this remarkable breakthrough and we’re all watching the rich idiot crap himself. Hell, how many times this week have we told yall we don’t understand what’s happening but it sure sounds good? What a rube ass thing to say! Like that’s the first fucking thing you say right after you fall off the fucking turnip truck. We’re so proud. We just need a lobotomy and a red hat to finish us off. Anyway if you immediately knew what a big deal it was and understood it well good for you and we sure hope there are lots of you because we already know there’s a bunch of dumbass drooling motherfuckers like us who will figure this shit out in the same amount of time Lloyd Christmas figured out we landed on the moon.

Note two: Props to everyone who knew we were talking about Dumb and Dumber at the end there. Yes, this is a very sophisticated high-brow newsletter.

Note three: We’re gonna talk about this more in the news section, but y’all gotta see this and enjoy the same goosebumps we’ve had since we first saw it…

Note four: WHAT THE FUCK?! Texas AG and super criminal Ken Paxton went looking for data on transgender folks in the Lone Star State. At what point do we start funding and organizing a way to get these people to safe states? More: Washington Post

Note five: Hard to believe it’s been 10 years since Sandy Hook. Maybe everything that’s happened since America decided that shit was fine shouldn’t be all that surprising to us. More: NBC News

Note six: So dumbfuck traitor Ralph Norman says he called for “marshall law” three days before President Biden was sworn in because he was frustrated. Yeah, shithead, we hear that all from a lot of Jan. 6 defendants.

Note seven: The Georgia Secretary of State wants to get rid of run-off elections. We don’t disagree, but we think it’s funny he wants a change after we kicked his ass again. More: GPB

Note eight: The Trump Org was held in contempt and we’re just hearing about it?! What the fuck is secret contempt? And how is the fucking fine only $4,000? More: Axios

Note nine: Four of Trump’s buddies weren’t just attempting a coup. They were also asking for pardons at the same time. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 10: Gisele Fetterman is fucking awesome.

Note 11: It’s crazy to us that people are saying Brett Kavanaugh going to a Christmas party with a bunch of Republican assholes raises ethical questions. Kavanaugh’s whole miserable fucking existence is an ethical question. More: Salon

Note 12: Trump is having to make calls to drag Kevin McCarthy’s sorry ass over the finish line, and it doesn’t seem to be working. This shit is fucking hilarious. Pro tip — if you have to kiss Butt Plug Lady’s ass to get a job, the job ain’t worth having. More: New York Times

Note 13: There is some bullshit fuckery happening in West Virginia. Why are good journalists always getting fucked while shitty journalists rise and rise and rise? More: Associated Press

Note 14: The Jan. 6 committee is having its final public meeting on Monday where they will make announcements about criminal referrals. This committee did good important work. Let’s hope they finish strong. More: CNN

Note 15: Actually we just love the Fettermans.

Note 16: The Biden administration is going to send Patriot missile systems to Ukraine. Fuck yeah! Merry Christmas, Putey. More: CNN

Note 17: We want to hear from y’all on this one — what’s your favorite holiday movie with cuss words? Just has to have one bad word to qualify.

Note 18: Ok well this is fucking hilarious. Jane Goodall watched a tape of Trump’s movements and then analyzed how he’s like a male chimpanzee. More: Huff Post

Note 19: We saved this one for the end to put a smile on your face…

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news. Just a reminder that we’ll be off this Friday. We’re gonna use the time to celebrate nuclear fusion and junk because we’re actually really smart. Love y’all!

DeShithead

Ron DeSantis has decided the way to beat Trump is to go full anti-vaxxer. Yesterday the white booted weasel announced he’s asking the state supreme court to empanel a grand jury to go after doctors and vaccine makers. Yes, this is as scary as it is stupid. What’s worse is that the national news media treated this dumb shit like it was brilliant political strategy. It’s pretty crazy that neither the Republican Party nor the press gives a fuck about Americans dying, but they still call us radicals. More: CNN

Pro-life

Yesterday Oregon Gov. Kate Brown commuted the death sentences of everyone on Oregon’s death row. This is the kind of leadership we like to see. Thank you, governor.

Party at 1600

It was a happy and emotional day at the White House yesterday as President Joe Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law. There were so many people there who dreamt of and fought for this day. There are Americans who hate their fellow Americans so much that they would deny them love. And those Americans were plenty pissed off yesterday. But they can’t deny us love. And we won’t let them take our joy either. Thank you to everyone who made this possible.

Today’s clips

Soccer journalist Grant Wahl died from an undetected aortic aneurysm that ruptured, his wife said in a statement Wednesday, insisting “there was nothing nefarious about his death.” More: Huff Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.