Today's Big Stuff 12.13.22

Today's Big Stuff 12.13.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 693 days until the presidential election. Inflation is cooling like a polar bear’s toenails, twitter goes full QAnon and Joe Biden gets out his pen to protect families.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a sailor. But like a cool, caring sailor who only wants the best for America and who really fucking hates fascist assholes.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! We’ve got some good news today. Remember how Skidmarkorie Taylor Greene (Skidmarkorie isn’t really catching on so for now on we’re just gonna call her The Butt Plug Lady or BPL for short.) said over the weekend that if she and Steve Bannon had planned Jan. 6 they would’ve won and they would’ve been armed? Well we can all relax because BPL now says she was just being sarcastic.

In fact, she was downright indignant about it. She said the White House needs to learn what sarcasm is. Sorta like how we feel about her and soap and water. But we were so relieved that BPL wasn’t actually threatening this country again that we thought we’d try some sarcasm too. This will be fun!

Marjorie, you are soooooo smart!

Marjorie, you are soooooo beautiful on the inside.

Marjorie, your three toes are sooooo fucking cool.

Marjorie, we totally believe that you didn’t really think there are Jewish Space Lasers.

Marjorie, your ascendancy in the Republican Party totally doesn’t make us think America is too dumb to live.

Marjorie, when you fondled that cardboard cutout of Trump, we absolutely didn’t throw up for seven hours straight.

Marjorie, we wish you were our mom so we could be dumber than dog shit and smell twice as bad.

Ok so that last one wasn’t sarcasm. But neither was her threat against this country. Fuck off, Buttplug Lady.

Note two: We now know from a massive TPM scoop the names of the members who were texting the Trump White House in an effort to install him as a dictator. The prize for most horrifying goes to Rep. Ralph Norman, who THREE DAYS BEFORE THE INAUGURATION, was calling for “marshall law.” He’s evil, but not very smart. More: TPM

Note three: Actually, Rep. Scott Perry might be the biggest traitor of the bunch. Hard to believe we’re just a few weeks away from CNN pretending like none of this happened. More: TPM

Note four: Someone tell Elon’s pets that’s what a real scoop looks like. Pro tip — it wasn’t fed to them by a billionaire and only confirmed their biases.

Note five: Speaking of the apartheid asshat, the White House had some tough words for Elon’s bullshit attacks on Dr. Fauci.

Note six: And if you’re referring to Elon, please stick to asshole, fucking loser or pathetic douchedork. Mostly because “world’s richest person” no longer applies. LOLOL!!!! More: CNBC

Note seven: This is a heartbreaker for us. Michael Lindenberger, editorial page editor of the Kansas City Star, died over the weekend. Michael was a dear friend and mentor to Sam, so without him, this cussing newsletter would not exist. But more importantly, the world now has one less journalist with his heart where it should be. Michael won the Pulitzer for his work on voter suppression in Texas. He will be missed. RIP. More: KC

Note eight: So that crypto conman (is that redundant?) Sam Bank-Friedman was arrested in the Bahamas yesterday. He was supposed to testify before the House today. Are all tech bros just the fucking worst? Sure seems that way. More: Investors

Note nine: Did they install Kari Lake yet? No? Well that must be because she lost and she’s crazier than a shithouse rat.

Note 10: Say what you will about California Gov. Gavin Newsom, but goddamn we love seeing a Democrat go on offense…

Note 11: Everybody is freaking out about a poll that shows DeSantis beating Trump and Biden. Y’all, just wait until people hear DeSantis speak. America’s dumbshits are in love with the idea of DeSantis. Just wait until they actually meet him. And his boots. More: USA Today

Note 12: President Biden is going after antisemitism. The Republican Party is going in a different direction. More: AP

Note 13: Here we go. A Trump judge in Texas wants to go after the right to contraception. Guess we weren’t being hysterical when we said this fucking shit was coming. More: Vox

Note 14: A Jan. 6 scumbag pleaded guilty to threatening AOC. We’re shocked the GOP hasn’t tried to make this asshole speaker. More: CNN

Note 15: We don’t have the highest opinion of Axios, but this tweet made us laugh…

Note 16: The Department of Energy is making that fusion energy announcement today that we’re excited about but don’t really understand. More: CNN

Note 17: Biden administration officials met via zoom with Paul Whelan’s family yesterday. Let’s get him home. More: CNN

Note 18: Even this corrupt and broken SCOTUS won’t stop California from banning flavored tobacco. If you ever look at a multi-billion industry and think it’s too powerful to be brought down, just go ask the Marlboro Man if that’s true. More: CNBC

Note 19: Special Counsel Jack Smith sent a subpoena to Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger. We weren’t sure about Jack, but we’re really warming up to him. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news! Just a reminder that we’ll be off this Friday. Hope y’all are having an awesome week. See you tomorrow!

Dark Brandon rises

The CPI came out today showing that inflation in the U.S. has cooled for the second month in a row and more significantly than economists predicted. Prices are going down on everything except rent and you know those motherfuckers are gonna keep gouging us as long as they can. It’s really kind of amazing how much the Biden White House has taken on big problems and solved them. We’re not out of the woods yet, but this is great fucking news. Or it is until Republicans take over and wreck the economy. More: Reuters

Elon’t

So the dumb lunatic fuckhead who bought twitter is now posting QAnon-friendly tweets and he disbanded the company’s board of trust and safety. So yeah, things are super fucked up over there. It’s basically like if Steve Bannon bought his own global media company. The former head of twitter’s trust and safety was forced to flee his home yesterday after Elon accused him of being a pedophile. The good news is that dumb weird sonofabitch is losing his ass as the price of Tesla drops. The bad news is he might be too dumb and too crazy to care. More: NBC

Go Joe

Today the president will sign the Respect for Marriage Act into law. We’re still not sure about the religious liberty caveats in this thing, but we are damn excited to see the bigoted Defense of Marriage Act go the way of the bigoted dinosaur. Joe Biden, to his eternal credit, has led on this crucial issue of equality since the Obama administration. We’re damn glad he’s the guy who gets to put his name on this law. Democrats protect families. Republicans want to break them up. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Russian President Vladimir Putin canceled his traditional end-of-year press conference amid fears it would be “hijacked” by anti-war protesters, according to U.K. intelligence. More: HuffPost

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