Today's Big Stuff 12.12.22

12.12.22

It’s Monday. There are 694 days until the midterm elections. Skidmarkorie Taylor Greene somehow gets scarier, a massive breakthrough for energy and LA gets a new mayor.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And on Monday, we up the cussing from one shitload to two.

Note: Howdy Sexy Patriots! These three-day weekends sure are awesome, but goddamn we miss y’all when we’re away. We had a good chuckle over the weekend we wanted to share with you and then we realized we weren’t publishing so we just told the dogs. They didn’t seem to get it. So what’s so funny? Our naive child-like belief that the election being over might lead to a period of relative calm and reflection. Yeah, we’re fucking idiots.

Think about Trump like stepping in a big pile of bear shit. Just a giant pile and it fucking stank and it stank for a long fucking time because it got all over the fucking place and it was the kind of stank you can fucking taste and you keep dry-heaving even after you’ve cleaned it up and sprayed all kinds of smell good shit and you threw out your shoes and you liked those shoes goddamnit but you finally got it out and painted the house and got new shoes and eventually you moved on from the day you stepped in bear shit. And then you walked outside and stepped right on a fucking bear trap. And it made you shit yourself. Anyway that’s what we think of going from Trump to Elon/Marjorie/McCarthy. But — and this is a huge but — the people are on our side. And that means a lot. It can also mean a lot of laughs.

LOLOL. What did he think was gonna happen? Thank you to everyone who booed that spoiled rotten douche-dork. We’re getting out of this bear trap goddamnit. No matter how much time and work it takes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: As you can tell by that tortured bear shit story, we are limping toward the end of the year. Our plan is to take off this Friday and then do a big break around Christmas. We’ll keep you posted.

Note three: Dave Chappelle sucks. Who the fuck wants to hear a comedian who kisses rich ass and attacks his poor fans? More: Gizmodo

Note four: Elon responded to being booed and humiliated by going on twitter to say that “technically, it was 90% cheers & 10% boos (except during the quiet periods…” and honestly it’s the most pathetic shit we’ve ever seen. He then said “the woke mind virus must be defeated.” Sure sounds like he wants to kill everyone who laughs at him. Good luck, douchedork. There are A LOT of us.

Note five: In happier space news, this happened yesterday and it was fucking awesome…

Note six: Judge Aileen Cannon dismissed Trump’s bullshit this morning after the entire judiciary made a fool of her for being Trump’s pet. More: Business Insider

Note seven: So we were fucking wrecked to hear that Grant Wahl died. We’ve been reading that dude for a long goddamn time, and we admired the hell out of him for wearing that rainbow shit in Qatar. Let’s hope the US government is on the case and that Grant’s family is able to find some peace. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Do you mind if we cuss for a second? So we were away when Ratshit Kyrsten Sinema decided to leave our party. We’d like to respond now — Fuck that corrupt dumbass piece of shit. Fuck her self-aborbed bullshit and fuck her turtle daddy, Mitch. We’re still gonna take that seat back from that trash. She can eat shit in the meantime. NO FUCKING LINK

Note nine: Seriously what human garbage. Hey, Kyrsten, pretend we’re McConnell and kiss our wrinkled asses.

Note 10: Um, this person is supposed to be a Democrat…

Note 11: We hate to talk about Elon so much, but since this newsletter exists to cuss out rich fascist assheads, we kinda have no choice. Especially since that motherfucker went after Fauci this weekend. So let’s check in and see how his businesses are doing and LOLOLOL!!!!! More: Axios

Note 12: NASA said it talked to someone at SpaceX and they said not to worry about the crazy right-wing lunatic who is drinking his own pee and screaming that he’s not actually mad. Um, we’re still worried. More: NBC News

Note 13: By the way, since twitter is a fucking mess, if you’ve made it on to Post, you can find us there. Our handles are just our names.

Note 14: Politico spotted Brett Kavanaugh hanging out at a holiday party with Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller and Erik Prince, among other villains. They didn’t treat it like a big deal because they’re a right-wing publication and that’s why we boycott them.

Note 15: Ok so this is fucking awesome and ain’t no hater in the world gonna take the smile off our faces…

Note 16: Trump had two years to get Paul Whelan out of Russia and didn’t. He gave them Maria Butina and got nothing back. He freed 5,000 Taliban soldiers and got nothing. Don’t listen to anyone who conveniently forgets that shit.

Note 17: You know that Keystone Pipeline that’s supposed to solve all of America’s energy problems? Well it had a catastrophic leak. More: NBC News

Note 18: If you haven’t seen Andrew Hartlzer responding to his piece of shit aunt, we highly recommend it. Love you, Andrew!

Note 19: We’re gonna talk about this more in a minute, but at the New York Young Republicans Club Gala this weekend, Marjorie Taylor Greene complained that you can buy a butt plug at CVS. We were shocked since Marjorie is 78 percent butt plug.

Note 20: And on that unsettling note, let’s go do some news. Are y’all ahead or behind on your holiday shopping? Yeah, us too. We’re crushing it and way behind. Ain’t that always the way? Have a great day, SPs! Love y’all!

Yikes

So at that Hitler Youth rally in New York this weekend (fine, young Republicans gala whatever), Marjorie Taylor Greene declared that if she and Steve Bannon had been behind Jan. 6, they would’ve won and they would’ve been armed. So yeah, that’s exactly as fucked up as it sounds. And the worst part is knowing that the press will probably just go along with all of it. Our fight isn't done, Sexy Patriots. In many ways, it’s just beginning. More: Washington Post

Woohoo, we think

So the US Department of Energy is going to make an exciting announcement this week about a major scientific breakthrough. Scientists have produced a fusion reaction that creates a net energy gain. Sounds awesome, right? Well that’s just some shit we heard on twitter. We don’t understand it, but it sounds really great. Good work, everybody! More: CNN

Hell yeah

Yesterday, Stevie Wonder and Vice President Kamala Harris helped swear in Karen Bass, Los Angeles’s first woman mayor. It’s an exciting development for an exciting city, and LA needs a good mayor. Best of luck, Mayor Bass!!!!!

Today’s clips

The city of Richmond — the capital of the Confederacy for most of the Civil War — has removed its last public Confederate statue. More: Huff Post

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