Today's Big Stuff 1.21.22

1.21.22

Happy Friday. There are 291 days until the midterm elections. The Jan. 6 committee invites Ivanka to come on down, Georgia is talking grand jury and wondering why official Washington doesn’t care that Mitch McConnell is a racist. 

Be advised: Coming up with these jokes about cussing and misspelling shit every day is getting pretty fuckinl harb. 

Note: Hi, SPs! Remember when you were a kid or 15 minutes ago when you used to make fart noises with your armpit? What’s that? Oh you were too classy for that? Yeah, us too. But you remember when other less mature and dignified kids like us used to do it all the time and about 15 minutes ago? Well doesn’t it seem like every goddamn headline these days should have a soundtrack by that armpit fart noise?

(Fun fact: Today’s Big Stuff was almost called Armpit Fart Noise, but it’s what we call our band instead. We primarily play gangster bluegrass. No instruments except a broken tamborine. All Tuvan throat singing. It’s really unpleasant, and the band is well-named.)

If you’re like us, you’re determined to stay in this fight as long as there’s a breath in our hot bodies. But goddamn there are days when all this scary news is like a weighted blanket made out of human hair — heavy and fucking gross. If you’re feeling that, we feel you. That’s why today we’re giving the TBS endorsement to armpit fart noises. If you’re wading through the shitflood that is the news these days, please feel free to make all kinds of fart noises to help yourself laugh through it. If you want to actually fart, that’s cool too. And we’re in no position to judge if some news makes you actually shit yourself a little. Or a lot. 

We don’t just throw that TBS endorsement around. This is some serious fucking business. But so is everything these days. It’s a lot. A lot a lot. So we’re glad you’re joining us for a laugh or two, and we hope it helps when things are nuts. We hope y’all have a good weekend. We hope we do too. We’re writing about armpit fart noises for Pete’s sake. Love y’all! 

Note two: They can’t all be winners, but that was still better than most of the dumb shit on Substack and it wasn’t sponsored by Lockheed-Martin. 

Note three: LOL. So Virginia Republicans think parents should have a voice in their kids’ education, but only if it’s a voice they agree with. More: WTOP

Note four: If you only read one thing today please make it this shocking story about Clarence Thomas’s fucked up wife. You’ve heard the expression crazier than a shithouse rat? Well this is the lady who ate that poop-filled rat and went back for dessert. Holy hell what a disaster. More: New Yorker

Note five: On one hand, it sure seems like Rudy the Facepooper is in big trouble. On the other hand, how is this motherfucker not already rotting away in jail instead of rotting away outside of jail? More: The Daily Beast, The Daily Beast II

Note six: We lost Meatloaf and Louis Anderson. RIP. More: Deadline, CNN

Note seven: Yesterday the Supreme Court once again fucked around to keep abortion illegal in Texas. We highly recommend the Sotomayor dissent. More: CNN

Note eight: It seems a lot of folks are asking Ruben Gallego to take on Kyrsten Sinema in a Democratic primary. We’re in. More: CNN

Note nine: It’s always so hard to tell when Lauren Boebert is being hateful trash or just stupid trash. We usually just assume it’s both. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 10: Another Republican wants an election protection police squad. Here’s a question — would this squad have arrested Trump and Lindsey Graham for interfering in Georgia’s elections? More: CNN

Note 11: Take note of the good stuff our people are doing. It’s important. More: NPR

Note 12: Ron DeSantis is basically Dr. Nick from the Simpsons and he’s Trump’s heir to the Republican Party. More: Washington Post

Note 13: It’s a good thing that 70,000 Americans are getting a raise because President Biden raised the federal minimum wage. More: Yahoo News

Note 14: This story says Trump’s friends are worried that his lawyers suck. Two things — first, he ain’t got no friends and second, no decent lawyers will go anywhere near him. More: Axios

Note 15: Adam McKay and Billy Ray are teaming up for a movie on Jan. 6. They’ve done a lot of good shit, and this is an important one. More: Deadline

Note 16: Trump went on Hannity last night and was not bright. And weirdly, they didn’t talk about how Hannity was sending text messages to Kayleigh to try and stop Trump’s coup. More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: If you’re like us, you find yourself yelling DO SOMETHING at the Democratic Party some days. Well U.S. Rep. Jamaal Bowman was arrested at the Capitol this week protesting for voting rights. Don’t let Manchin and Sinema make you forget who we really are. More: Washington Post

Note 18: But also Sinema and Manchin really really suck. More: Vice

Note 19: Ok you gorgeous freedom fighters, let’s get to the news! We love y’all so much, and we hope you have a wonderful weekend. Fart noise!!!!

LOLOL

Ivanka Trump, come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Jan. 6 committee wants to talk to you about being a fucking traitor. Yes, the committee has asked the former president’s daughter/lover to come in for an interview. Ivanka responded with a statement saying that she called for peace that day. She left out the part where she called the terrorists patriots. Skip the committee and lock her trash ass up. More: CNN

Peachy

The Fulton County DA is looking to empanel a grand jury to look at Trump’s illegal interference in the 2020 elections. We hope they get Lindsey too. Also we hope they hurry the hell up. We thought they’d already done this shit like last year. More: Associated Press

WTF?!

So y’all have probably heard Mitch McConnell’s horribly racist remark about how African-Americans are “voting in just as high a percentage as Americans.” So why the effing fuck is the Washington press corps largely pretending like it didn’t happen? This is appalling. If you’re on social media, push this shit and ask your favorite reporters why they’re ignoring it. If we’ve normalized racism this much, then we’re way more fucked than we thought. More: CNN

Today’s clips

A flurry of decisions by the Supreme Court and federal and state investigators has forced Donald Trump and his adult children to defend their conduct on multiple fronts, potentially jeopardizing their futures — or perhaps yet again allowing the former president to escape unscathed. More: Washington Post

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