Today’s Big Stuff 12.1.22

Today’s Big Stuff 12.1.22

It’s Thursday. There are 705 days until the presidential election. The House has Trump’s tax returns, Democrats get a new leader and Herschel Walker somehow gets worse.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So only cool people should read it.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Really? Try club soda and fire. Should get it right out. We’re doing pretty great too. But really it doesn’t take much these days. We look in the mirror, say “You’re not a Republican” and then we feel amazing. It’s really that simple. The crazy thing about that crazy ass party is that they’d be hilarious if they weren’t so fucking terrifying.

Like imagine you’re walking down the street. Now imagine you look down and see some dog shit. It’s mildly annoying but you go around, be grateful you saw it and go ahead with your day. Now imagine that same scenarios as a Republican — First, you go “OH LOOK SOME DOG SHIT I THINK I’LL GO PLAY IN IT!!!!” And then you run your dumb ass right up to that pile of dog shit and you jump up in the air with both feet and come crashing down with a thud as shit goes everywhere. But you’re not done, Mr Republican. Next you actually lie down and roll around in the shit until every inch of you is covered. At some point you’re more dog shit than human.

House Republicans have an opportunity to try and win back indie voters by showing they can govern. All but the most batshit crazy Americans have given up on them. They need a restart, and they have a chance. But there’s that pile of dog shit…

Note two: How’s your post-Thanksgiving week going? Did you get your booster yet? How about your flu shot? Yeah, we’re gonna be super annoying about this shit. But it’s annoying with love.

Note three: The Senate is voting on the railworker deal today. Give them paid sick leave. Just fucking do it. We care about workers. Let’s act like it. More: HuffPost

Note four: For soccer fans, this morning Christian Pulisic shared some important truth with the world — “I didn’t get hit in the balls,” he said. Good to know. Give ‘em hell this Saturday!

Note five: Well goddamn this one hurts. RIP to Fleetwood Mac’s Songbird Christine McVie.

Note six: Remember that shitty stunt Ron DeSantis pulled shipping those migrants from Texas to Massachusetts? Well “Perla” is getting sued. We assume she’ll be served the papers in hell where she lives. More: Texas Tribune

Note seven: LOLOL. Elon Musk, the guy who’s currently fucking up twitter to distract from his exploding cars, says he’ll be ready to start human trials for a “neuralink” implant. So who wants to be first to let racist pizzagate douchebro fuck with their brain? No? No takers? Weird. More: The Verge

Note eight: One other quick note about Musk — he ain’t doing shit in six months. He’s a fucking liar who lies about everything and everyone know thats except his legion of incel fanboys and the mainstream media.

Note nine: Someone to keep an eye on — Reed Hastings is a major Democratic donor. Here he is kissing Musk’s ass. Billionaires are the fucking worst. And Reed sure comes off as pathetic here. More: Deadline

Note 10: Welcome to French President Macron. Enjoy tonight’s state dinner. We’re just gonna be polite and not say anything else.

Note 11: Ugh. A three-judge panel on the Fifth Circuit won’t reinstate the student loan forgiveness program. Guess Dark Brandon will just have to pause repayment indefinitely. More: Washington Post

Note 12: We really need to stop linking to the Washington Post. They did an actual puff piece on Skidmarkorie Taylor Greene today that would make you vomit. And no we ain’t linking to it.

Note 13: The dumbfucks in Arizona refusing to certify the election results might just cost their party a congressional seat and really that’s the fucking least that should happen to them. More: Bloomberg

Note 14: Today the Senate Judiciary Committee is voting to send 18 judicial nominations to the Senate floor. And thanks to all you Sexy Patriots who fought to keep the Senate, we can keep doing this for the next two years. (h/t Jen Bendery of HuffPo)

Note 15: We’re gonna get into this more in the news section, but GEORGIA GEORGIA GEORGIA!!!!

Note 16: Remember Madison Cawthorn? Yeah, we don’t either. But he gave his farewell speech yesterday and used it to attack metrosexuals and seriously this dude needs to get some fucking help. Do they have rehab for being a goddamn loser? More: HuffPost

Note 17: The Salvation Army is hosting its gala at Mar-a-Lago. There are plenty of deserving charities that will do a lot of good with your money and not fucking spend it at the South Florida Orgy Palace of a goddamn traitor. More: Palm Beach Post

Note 18: Lauren Boebert was elected to the Republican Policy Committee. So they’re probably not gonna be doing a lot of policy stuff. More: The Journal

Note 19: Luzerne County, Pa. finally certified its election results after they saw Marc Elias coming. Thanks, Marc! More: CNN

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, to the news! We hope this week is flying by for you, and we hope you’re finding a way to get involved in Georgia. But knowing your sexy asses, you’re already way ahead of us. Have a great day!

Now what?

After six fucking years of waiting, the House Ways and Means Committee finally has Trump’s tax returns. And today they’re going to meet to try and figure out what the fuck to do with them. Why not just post them? Or tweet them? Or read them into the congressional record? Or better yet, just take the parts that show what a miserable fucking fraud Trump is and put that shit on billboards all over the country.

More: CNN

A new day

Democrats have a new leader in the House, and he is making history. U.S. Rep. Hakeem Jeffries is the new Democratic leader, becoming the first Black person to lead the congressional caucus and ushering in a new generation of leaders for a party on the rise. Congratulations to Rep. Jeffries. Also congratulations to Reps. Katherine Clark and Pete Aguilar, who are rounding out the new leadership team. It’s a new day for Democrats, and we’re proud to see it.

More: CNN

So fucking gross

We would’ve liked to have ended on that good news, but there’s still the Herschel Walker of it all. While Herschel has all but gone into hiding down the homestretch, one of the women he terrorized is speaking up. The Daily Beast, who have really led on the Walker beat, has an exclusive interview with one of Walker’s exes, and it is just as fucking horrifying as you’d think. This should be disqualifying. But that’s true of a lot of shit about this dude. Georgia, do the right thing and send Rev. Warnock back to the Senate.

Today’s clips

Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), who is likely to replace Nancy Pelosi as speaker after Republicans narrowly won back the House, has warned the House select committee investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection that the GOP will be looking into its work. More: HuffPost

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