Today's Big Stuff 12.1.21

12.1.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 342 days until the midterm elections. SCOTUS prepares to overturn Roe, Trump tried to kill Biden (and the rest of us) and more good economic news.

Be advised: Oh hot damn are we fired up today, so expect the cuss words and typose to be at an all-tim high. Shit. Sorry, Tims out there. 

Note: Helllllloooooo, you sexy patriots!!! How are you today? Drowning in a sea of cruel stupidity? Well we don’t have a life jacket, but we do have a shitload of cuss words for you. Today we wanted to take you behind the scenes here at TBS. No, we’re afraid we can’t show you the poll we slide down to get to work or the ‘87 Chevy Nova that sometimes runs and we sometimes call the TBSmobile. We also can’t show you the bathroom because someone is in it. Sorry to whoever that is for all the pounding on the door. 

But we do want to try and explain how we bring jokes to you even on days when we should probably be curled up in a fetal position and crying. Because truth be told, some days it ain’t easy. Today for example, we’re still processing a school shooting in Michigan, a grotesque and probably successful attempt to end abortion rights and whatever bullshit is coming out of Joe Manchin’s corrupt mouth. So yeah, it can be damn difficult to come up with solid poop jokes when you’re dealing with all that. And we mean the jokes should be solid; not necessarily the poop.

Well, here’s our secret — the TBS Hammer. To the layperson, it looks like a normal, if slightly oversized and polka-dotted hammer. We keep it in a case, and on days like this one of us will say “it’s hammer time” and go and get it out. Then we take turns smacking each other in the face with it until the crying and screaming has stopped and we’re left with nothing but imbecile laughter and a child’s appreciation for profanity. We know today was a rough one because Adam hit Sam in the forehead with the TBS Hammer 78 times before he started laughing like Beavis and talking about how Marjorie Taylor Greene probably likes to fuck cattle. Adam only required 19 smacks before he was chuckling at the word “poop.” So now you know, we keep the funny during the sad — by giving each other brain damage. And hey, it’s worked so far giraffe xylophone fuckhead palm tree. And don’t worry about our credibility, CNN does the same shit. 

Note two: Wait. What were we talking about? Who the hell are you and how’d you get in here? 

Note three: Well, sexy patriots, we are damn glad to be back in the saddle. What do you say we make this sprint to the holidays really count? Yeah? Ok fucking awesome. 

Note four: Speaking of CNN, um maybe they should be hitting themselves with a hammer. Or maybe they already did. Because this Cuomo shit is fuuuuuuuuuuucked up. If they want to be like Fox, this shady shit seems like a good start. More: TPM

Note five: So yeah, there was another horrifying school shooting yesterday. We’re sure Congress will do something about it today. Right? More: New York Times, Detroit News, CNN

Note six: Massachusetts’s Gov. Charlie Baker isn’t running for re-election. Oh well. More: Boston Globe

Note seven: One more time for the cheap seats — IT WAS NOT A HOAX! More: New York Times

Note eight: What could be better during a deadly never-ending pandemic than a fake fucking tv doctor who doesn’t even live in the state in which he wants to run? Did everyone get hit with a hammer? More: Associated Press

Note nine: It’s pretty fucking amazing what little attention the good stuff Biden is doing gets. It’s like news producers are like hey did you see Joe Biden is helping veterans and the other one is like yeah but did you see Trump gave a horse syphilis? More: CNN

Note 10: The economy is booming. Unless you’re a Republican or a news personality. And then things are just so bleak that we need more gameshow host. More: Press Run

Note 11: LOL. We are far from impressed with the speed of the Jan. 6 committee, but we do enjoy seeing this. Probably makes it fun to go home to Georgia. More: AJC

Note 12: Republicans are talking about shutting down the government over vaccine mandates. Please do this. Please do this. Please do this. More: CNN

Note 13: We had no idea that Chris Christie’s limp book tour was still going, but this is some pretty funny shit. More: Axios

Note 14: Gosh we thought Ted Cruz’s endless trolling and Republican attempts to put women in cages would’ve helped to fix their power grid. Guess not. More: NBC News

Note 15: Republicans will refuse to implement universal pre-K if we pass it? Ok. Do it. We fucking dare you. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Fox News says Dr. Fauci is a nazi. We don’t think they know what nazis actually are. Or doctors for that matter. More: The Guardian

Note 17: It’s scary that Kevin McCarthy might be speaker one day. But it’s hilarious thinking about all the super gross ass he has to kiss to get there. More: CNN

Note 18: Are Washington reporters just required to use the word “polarized” in any story about vaccines or President Obama? More: Washington Post

Note 19: What Rep. Omar has had to endure because of the hatred of her Republican colleagues and the cowardice of her Democratic colleagues should have us all reaching for the hammer. More: Axios

Note 20: Ok, we were gonna do another RIP to yet another Republican dumbfuck who died from COVID, but we ran out of space and thoughts and prayers and just generally giving a shit. More: Washington Post

Note 21: Alright, you super sexy rock stars, let’s get to the news. And thanks for being patient with us while we were traveling these past few days. We’re excited to be back at TBS HQ. Our traveling hammer just ain’t the same. Hope this hump day finds you fucking awesome, and we’ll see you here tomorrow. Love y’all!

The end of Roe

Today a rigged and corrupt Supreme Court is hearing arguments from fucking Mississippi about taking away a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body. Justice Sotomayor, who is nothing short of a goddamn genius, has already ripped the plaintiffs and the court to pieces and she was right about every single word. Sadly, we can all count, and we all know where this is probably headed. More: CNN

Attempted murder

In his new book, former Trump chief of staff Mark Meadows reveals that Trump tested positive for COVID three days before debating President Biden. Oh and then he went and exposed himself (the virus, we really have to clarify with this piece of shit) to Gold Star families. And them said maybe they were the ones who gave it to him!!! Even for those of us who are completely hammered (TBS-style), this is some fucked up shocking shit. More: The Guardian

Woohoo

While reporters and Republicans keep telling us how much the economy sucks, the numbers are telling a different story. We found out today that private payrolls had a “better-than-expected” growth of 534,000 in November. Gosh, wonder what Friday’s jobs report is gonna show? Maye instead of believing serial liars about the state of the economy, the Washington media could try using their own fucking eyes. More: Yahoo News

Today’s clips

Congressional Democrats say their $2 trillion spending plan would have a profound impact on the lives and pocketbooks of most American families, and some left-leaning think tanks are trying to help prove it to voters. More: NPR

The Biden administration is preparing stricter testing requirements for all travelers entering the United States, including returning Americans, to curb the spread of the potentially dangerous omicron variant, according to three federal health officials. More: Washington Post

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