Today's Big Stuff 12.10.21

December 10, 2021

12.10.21

Happy Friday. There are 333 days until the midterm elections. Inflation is up while gas is down, an Appeals Court tells Trump to eff off and Kanye is an actual damn villain.

Be advised: Our cussing and spelling both seem to get worse on Fridoys.

Note: You know what today is? It’s Sexy Patriot Day. So give yourself a break and bake yourself a cake because you’ve earned. You’ve put up with more bullshit these last few years than any sexy patriot ought to, but here you are — standing strong, fighting for America and making fun of the scum trying to burn it all down. So as a treat, we’d like to offer you some truly authentic TBS cussing gibberish. Yeah, you won’t find this weird shit in Playbook.

For this random sexy gobbledygook we take you back to the magical year of 2012. It was just a few weeks after President Obama had won re-election, and Vice President Biden was attending the opening of a Costco. Yeah, apparently all the mayors and pageant winners were busy that day. Anyhoo, while he was there shopping with the press in tow, some Costco employees tried to get him to come to the tire section prompting Biden to say “Hey man, I don’t need tires. I don’t drive anymore.” This is a true story, and we always thought it was capitalism’s best argument that there are salespeople out there who would try to sell the vice president of the United States a set of tires while he’s doing a photo-op at freaking Costco. You gotta love it.

Well, TBS, that’s not so bad, it was even kinda cute and made sense in a random way. LOL. Just wait.

So this totally obscure event always stuck with us and for some reason it popped on our noodles and it got us thinking and we realized — fuck, we need new tires. And that got us thinking about whether America needs new tires. (Goddamn that’s a stretch, TBS. Yeah, we know just go with it.) Well, yeah, it does. Basically our national tire story looks like this — you got four tires, one of them is running low on air, one of them is a solid spare but wobbly, one of them is Marjorie Taylor Greene and one them flew off and burst into flames years ago and we just kept driving, showering the world with sparks and fear. So yeah, we need new tires if we’re gonna keep this thing moving. The good news? You’re the tire store. So please, sell us some new tires before they blow out and we drive this motherfucker straight off a cliff. More: Washington Post

Note two: We know what you’re thinking — um what the fuck was that? And the truth is, we don’t have a good answer except it’s Friday, it’s been a long week, everything is fucking terrifying and we really do need new tires.

Note three: While we were cranking that nonsense out, SCOTUS released a ruling that says Texas abortion providers can sue the state, but it son’t stop the ban from being enforced. If that seems like cowardly bullshit, well, it is. More: Fox Detroit

Note four: We were gonna put this in the news section, but let’s get to it now — THEY HAD A POWER POINT FOR A FUCKING COUP. First of all, Power Point is a tool of the devil, and now we know it for sure. Second of all, THEY HAD A POWER POINT FOR A FUCKING COUP. Lazy sonsofbitches will probably use the same damn demonstration for the next time. More: Newsweek, Esquire

Note five: Btw, the original opening note was about how we were just joking earlier this week about having sex with Christmas trees, but Tucker Carlson actually seems to be way into it. We don’t want to say the Fox freakout this week has been hilarious, but the Fox freakout this week has been hilarious. Tucker, get down off that charred tree corpse and pull your damn pants up! More: The Daily Beast, Washington Post

Note six: Trump actually said “fuck him” about Bibi Netanyahu in an interview, and we’d be laughing our asses off if it wasn’t obvious that Trump was shoring up international help for his next coup attempt. Remember when the New York Times wrote a story about Biden’s watch being too fancy? More: Axios

Note seven: Anyone want some updates on the Jan. 6 committee before they start screaming cuss words at the sun? Yeah, us too. CNN, CNN II

Note eight: Julian Assange is having a bad day. Is there a sarcastic sad face emoji? More: Washington Post

Note nine: Someone tell the dumbshits at QAnon to stop sniffing glue for a second because they missed a big one. Oh and congrats to all the Republicans who have posed for pics with this fucking monster. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Did y’all see the video of Ali Alexander getting served as he left his House deposition yesterday? The end of democracy is really scary, but we have to admit that it’s also funnier than we thought it would be. More: CNN

Note 11: So we kinda forgot that Lindsey Graham existed. After he got a free pass for tampering with the election in Georgia, he seemed to just take a deep breath and disappear up Trump’s ample orange ass forever. But apparently he’s still around and still toadying for his hero. And even the rest of the Senate GOP doesn’t take him seriously anymore. More: The Hill

Note 12: Real normal fucking country we’ve got here. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Yeah, we ain’t ever reforming the police. Goddamnit. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Congrats to the Starbucks employees who voted to unionize yesterday despite an intense intimidation effort by the company. We never used to have beef with Starbucks. Hell, we could go for a latte right now. But also fuck Howard Schultz and fuck any company that treats its employees like crap. More: NPR

Note 15: This seems good and important and way undercovered because it will die in the Senate. A for effort though. More: CNN

Note 16: One of the guys who objected to certifying votes in Michigan died of COVID after shit-talking vaccines. Hang on we’ll be right back… well shit. Our thoughts and prayers pantry is totally fucking empty. Oh well. More: New York Times

Note 17: It’s a Biden Boom. And that’s way better than a Trump Boom Boom which required change of the presidential pants. More: Washington Monthly

Note 18: “And I still love comedy. It's my delicious refuge from the world. I hide in humor and comedy. I love it.” Anyone else excited to read Mel Brooks’s new book? More: NPR

Note 19: Even Senate Republicans think Ted Cruz sucks. And they are the mayors of Sucktown. More: CNN

Note 20: We think we figured out where that first note came from. Anyone in Massachusetts see Sam come through there? More: WHDH

Note 21: Ok, you super sexy super patriotic rock stars, let’s get our hot asses to the news. We hope y’all have had a good week, we hope you have an even better weekends and we hope you didn’t TIRE of our jokes this week. Groan. Ok we’re gonna go think about what we’ve done. Love y’all lots!

Good and bad

Just about every economic indicator is showing the most robust economic recovery like ever. However, inflation is a stubborn motherfucker that isn't’ going away. It’s almost like there was a once-in-a-century pandemic last year or something. Anyway, look for Manchin and Republicans to use this new data point to try and justify gridlock and inaction. The good news? Gas prices are going down. Oh and supply chain issues are easing. And don’t forget yesterday’s unemployment news. Thanks, Mr. President. More: CNN

How appealing

The D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals said no to Trump’s request to stop Joe Biden from turning over his records to the Jan. 6 committee. Actually, they said HELL NO. But they also gave Trump to two weeks to take his bullshit to the Supreme Court. And while this should be a slam dunk for even those dipshits, it’s impossible to guess what a stolen and rigged and corrupt court will do. Still, it was a shitty day for Trump, and we like those days. More: CNN

Went down to Georgia

So Kanye West is a bad dude. And that hurts us to say because we used to be pretty big fans. But apparently Ye’s publicist went down to Georgia and tried to scam and coerce a frightened election worker into admitting she had committed fraud. Yeah, the star rapper’s publicist suggested that the worker and her family were going to jail if she didn’t come clean. So why the fuck isn’t the publicist in jail yet? And where is the national Democratic effort to stand up for these embattled election workers? Georgia really is Ground Zero for the new Jim Crow battles, and an already ugly battlefield promises to get uglier. Like Ted Cruz’s wife. Sorry not sorry. Have a great weekend! More: Reuters, Reuters II, Wall Street Journal

Today’s clips

Democrats in Congress told CNN that GOP senators are continuing to hold up the nomination of the woman President Joe Biden tapped to become the next US Envoy to Combat and Monitor Anti-Semitism, five months after she was nominated.

More: CNN

President Biden warned world leaders Thursday of a “backward slide” in democracy around the globe and urged them to champion a form of a government that he said needs concerted work to be sustained through an “inflection point in history.”

In the latest push for President Joe Biden to further extend the pandemic pause on student-loan payments, three Democratic lawmakers received data showing just how hard millions of borrowers will be hit.

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