Today's Big Stuff 11.9.21

November 09, 2021

11.9.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 364 days until the midterm elections. House Republicans seem pretty freaking murderous, Reuters talks to the creeps threatening election officials and Trump’s most recent cover-up attempt gets smacked down.

Be advised: Just a heads up that we’re obscene, typo-prone and a little risque. Holy shit did we just spell risque write?

Note: Well h to the i, sexy patriots. And how is your fine self doing today? Well we are glad to hear it. We’re doing great too. Ok, that might be overselling it a bit. To be completely honest, we’re pretty fucking freaked the eff out. It sure seems that every goddamn day, members of the Republican Party get light years more deranged, and their staring point was being Jeff Dahmer’s personal fucking chef. We’ll talk about this Paul Gosar stuff more in a minute, but to say we’re unsettled would be an understatement.

Fortunately, this derangement can also sometimes be very funny. Remember Trump looking at that eclipse? Never gonna stop being funny. The thing we’ve been laughing at for a few days now is that Josh Hawley is gonna be the new face of masculinity. LOL. Yeah, that’s like making him the new face of, well, masculinity. He looks like he shaves with a practice razor. He looks like he still wears a speedo to shower. At home. Dude looks like a testicle that’s never sprouted its first pube. Ok gross. Yeah, we thought that was funny and it is accurate but it just grossed us out. And it’s dangerously close to porn, which Hawley is trying to stamp out, along with video games, to make men men again. Real smart, bro. There goes your base of compulsive masturbators using racial slurs on Call of Duty 17: Return to Grenada.

But then there’s this whole other thing that seems to be getting lost in the discussion on Hairless Hawley and his War on Porn. What was it? Hang on a second we forgot. We’re trying to remember… OH YEAH HE LED AN ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES GODDAMN CAPITOL EARLIER THIS FUCKING YEAR. So while we appreciate the urge to laugh at or ask more about this horribly misguided attempt to look like a real man or at least something more than the world’s first mannequin designed to only sell mayonnaise, maybe it would be great if the press would keep in mind that this joke of a human being is also a very real enemy of the United States. Also, we have got to find a way to get some bass-heavy old school porn music playing every single place that sonofabitch goes.

Note two: We’re still grossed out about the testicle joke. Sorry about that. And as always, our apologies to the non-racist compulsive masturbators out there.

Note three: The Milwaukee Bucks were at the White House yesterday to celebrate their championship. Isn’t it nice that NBA teams are going back to the White House because the president is no longer a virulent racist? It’s the little things. More: CNN

Note four: RIP to former U.S. Sen. Max Cleland. He was a damn nice man, and we will never forget what Republicans did to him in 2002. More: AJC

Note five: You know, our politics might be broken beyond repair when folks kill tens of thousands of their own people and are still favored to win re-election. Do these assholes just walk around thinking hey we’ve got it coming? More: CNN

Note six: The infrastructure win is huge. We’re going to enjoy it for a while. But man it’s gonna be painful as hell watching Manchin and the so-called moderates completely rewrite the BBB bill. Sigh. Big picture, everybody. More: NBC News

Note six: Damnit. Dean Stockwell died. We loved Quantum Leap. And don’t ever forget he was in Blue Velvet. RIP. More: Deadline

Note seven: It’s good to know that we’re not the only ones seeing the flaming brown paper bag of dogshit that is the New York Times editorial page. More: Esquire

Note eight: LOL. Republicans are using footage of Trump’s America to try and show chaos in Biden’s America. Seems like this is a great opportunity to run an ad that throws that back in their face. More: CNN

Note nine: Also, it ain’t Trump’s America or Biden’s. It’s ours, and every last one of those sonsofbtitches need to remember that.

Note 10: You know how you can tell they’re enemies of America who attacked our country? ONE OF THEM FLED TO FUCKING BELARUS. More: Washington Post

Note 11: Merrick Garland made some announcement about ransomware yesterday. It was like watching an episode of Popeye where he doesn’t have any spinach. You know what else happened yesterday? Steve Bannon continued to breathe free air. What the hell are we doing here?! More: NPR

Note 12: President Obama was en fuego yesterday. Always love seeing him bring the heat. And yes, both of these sentences are inappropriately written given that the subject is climate change. Sorry about that. More: Washington Post

Note 13: This might sound controversial, but we think it’s a good thing that a terrorist who wanted to hang the Speaker of the House is being kept in jail. More: Raw Story

Note 14: It really is pretty fucking crazy that Steve Bannon is just going along, smelling the goddamn roses and trying to overthrow the government and it’s like he has a fucking force field around him. More: CNN

Note 15: So we just got a huge break in the battle for the Senate this morning. New Hampshire Gov. Chris Sununu says he won’t run. Phew. So take a moment to be happy this morning that Mitch McConnell is sad about something.

Note 16: The Jan. 6 committee issued some new subpoenas. And honestly we don’t know what to say. The clock is ticking, Garland doesn’t seem to be doing shit and House Republicans have fully embraced the terrorists. Maybe we’re just being dicks, but it doesn’t seem like we’ve done much to deter another attack on the homeland. More: CNN

Note 17: It sure is shocking to discover that rich right-wing scumbags were behind the whole critical race theory bullshit. It was literally the same fucking playbook as the tea party and the whole damn national press corps just played along. More: The Daily Beast

Note 18: Joe Manchin has been shopping a book deal. It’s gonna be called “The Art of Sucking.” More: Mother Jones

Note 19: Y’all know we love us some Joe Biden. But we’re not cult people like them Trump chumps. So we call out our guy when he has fucked something up. And he has fucked up Saudi Arabia. More: Huff Post

Note 20: Wanna hear something crazy? Ok fine, we’ve already said lots and lots of crazy shit. But Punchbowl is reporting that House Republicans are thinking about stripping committee assignments from the 13 Republicans who voted for infrastructure. Yeah, you can try to overthrow the government and be cool. Get your constituents some new roads and you’re toast.

Note 21: Ok you sexy mofos, let’s get to the news. We hope your week got off to a fantastic start, and we just know it’s gonna keep getting better. And again, we are very sorry about the testicle joke. Oof. Love y’all!

What the effing fuck?!

So in case you missed it, Rep. Paul Gosar put out an anime video that shows him killing AOC and then attacking President Biden. Yeah, the motherfucker who was the first to champion the ex-living-terrorist Ashli Babbit has consistently and repeatedly found ways to get worse and more terrifying. And it’s weird when a total fucking loser is terrifying. Fortunately, Gosar was immediately arrested for making threats against public officials, and there will be consequences for this heinous behavior. LOL. We’re just kidding. Because it’s not like anyone should take this shit seriously. It’s not like the goddamn U.S. fucking Capitol was full-on attacked. It’s not like they tell us all the time how much they hate us and want to kill us.

So what’s next? Are we just gonna wait until Gosar is sitting on the House floor eating one of his fellow members and asking for ketchup? How long until Marjorie Taylor Ewww Gross is just walking around with her own shit in her hand to fling it at anyone she doesn’t like? How long until Lauren Boebert just straight up shivs someone in a Capitol cafeteria? How long until Matt Gaetz does some Matt Gaetz shit? And how long until Gym Jordan says he didn’t see a thing? More: Washington Post

Even more threats

Reuters went out and found the people who have been threatening election officials, and big surprise but they are not remorseful at all. In fact, they seem pretty proud of how unhinged they are. You also see law enforcement repeatedly shrugging at very obvious threats of violence. This ain’t good, people. More: Reuters

Sorry, Orangey

Yesterday Trump tried to force a judge to rule quickly to let him hide all his shit from Jan. 6. The judge basically responded by saying um no that’s not how this shit works. There’s a deadline coming up, and Trump seems really scared about it. We actually don’t know why. It ain’t like that motherfucker has ever had to face the consequences of his actions. But hope springs eternal. More: CNN

Today’s clips

The government's top doctor released a step-by-step toolkit Tuesday morning to help people combat misinformation about the COVID-19 vaccines in their own close circles.

More: ABC News

Whatever one’s views on the appropriateness of vaccine or mask mandates or other coronavirus-related policies, one fact about those debates is incontrovertible: Misinformation is very disproportionately a problem on one side — the right.

Two close Virginia House of Delegates races appeared to be headed to recounts Monday, after tallies of mail-in and provisional ballots left the Republican challengers with slim leads.

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