Today's Big Stuff 11.8.22 ELECTION DAY EDITION

11.8.22 ELECTION DAY EDITION

It’s Tuesday. It’s Election Day. VOTE VOTE VOTE!!! We spend way too much on elections, the Speaker speaks and a word of thanks.

Be advised: This newsletter is more cussing than newsletter today.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s here! It’s Election Day! But if you didn’t already know that, then we have really fucked up. How are y’all doing today? Yeah, us too. That’s why we have a surprise for you today. Some of y’all might have noticed that after everyone started talking about twitter’s blue bird and how it is dying an ugly death from an asshole who posts nazi pictures, we started talking about the TBS Naughty Eagle. Well, it wasn’t just talk. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to “Easy” Eddie Ticklefeather the TBS Naughty Eagle…

TBS: Welcome, Mr. Ticklefeather, thanks so much for joining us today.

EE: Please please. My father was Mr. Ticklefeather. Just call me Easy Eddie.

TBS: Um ok. Is that because keeping a democracy isn’t easy?

EE: No. No it is not

(Long awkward pause)

TBS: So can you tell these good Sexy Patriots why you’ll make such a great TBS Naughty Eagle?

EE: Well, I’ll tell ya. It’s because I love American democracy and the people who make it work more than I love a hot tub key party.

TBS: Wow. That seems like a lot.

EE: You bet your sweet fine asses it is.

TBS: Um ok, do you have any messages today for the Sexy Patriots?

EE: Yes I do. Vote like your life depends on it. Then swing by later and check out my waterbed.

TBS: Yikes. We might need a different mascot.

Note two: Big thanks to Kyle Shivers who does all the cool graphics here and who did not quit in disgust when we asked him to come up with something for a naughty eagle.

Note three: We’re gonna put on our serious faces for a minute now — So hopefully you’ve either already voted or you’re on your way and you’ve got a dozen like-minded people with you. Now that you have, prepare yourself for how tonight is gonna go down. Republicans will go up early. In-person voting will be reported first and mail-in will come in later. It’s called the red mirage but we’re not fucking calling it that. We already know Republicans are planning to use this time to claim victory like Trump planned to do in 2020 until Fox called Arizona for Biden. But in this country, we count all the votes. And it really pisses off the Republicans. So just buckle up because this is how America is now that it’s all orange and shit. So take deep breaths, unplug from time to time, be good to yourself and remember that no matter what happens we’ll be back here tomorrow morning cussing like some crazy motherfuckers. There’s no question these are scary times. And we have been through some seriously heinous bullshit lo these last few years. But we’ve gotten through it. Together. And tomorrow we’ll either celebrate together or be pissed off together. We think it’s gonna be a celebration, but shit is stupid now and nobody knows what’s gonna happen. Have a good day, Sexy Patriots. More: Huff Post

Note four: Just a reminder that right now there are Trump supporters on trial for seditious conspiracy. Hard to believe that just two years ago Republicans lost an election and then launched a violent attack on the United States Capitol. Even harder to believe so many Americans just flat out don’t give a shit about it.

Note five: LOLOL. We’re gonna miss dunking on “Dr.” Oz the Pee Drinker.

Note six: Katy Perry voted for Republican Rick Caruso. So did Chris Pratt. We no longer like either of them. Rich assholes gonna rich asshole we suppose. NO LINK

Note seven: We just found out we did not win the Powerball. We shall now finish the newsletter.

Note eight: Trump keeps talking about journalists getting raped in prison to reveal their sources. Last night he called Speaker Pelosi “an animal.” This is scary shit, and you’d think journalists would give a fuck. More: Rolling Stone

Note nine: We will say that we chuckled when we learned that Trump is looking to announce his re-election bid on the same day Pence’s book comes out. Keep kissing his ass, Mikey. It’s going great for you, buddy.

Note 10: Want to see something hilarious?

Note 11: Now someone threw a White Claw at Cancun Cruz and he and his buddies have been whining about it nonstop. But it seems like he could’ve easily caught it and drank it the way the players did. Or maybe he could’ve kept his wimp ass at home since he doesn’t actually play baseball and sure as fuck didn’t win the World Series.

Note 12: It’s not a high-on-the-radar race, but in Maryland, Democrat Wes Moore is looking like he’ll be elected as the first Black governor in America. You read that right. The first Black governor in the whole country. We’re very excited for Mr. Moore, and very embarrassed for America. More: NPR

Note 13: IF YOU’RE IN LINE WHEN THE POLLS CLOSE, STAY IN LINE!!!

Note 14: So Cougar or no Cougar, John Mellencamp is kinda fucking awesome. More: Variety

Note 15: Yesterday Elon MousePeen tweeted out a Nazi photo and an endorsement of the Republican Party. So let’s just check in and see how Tesla is doing…

Note 16: The good news — Justice Jackson has issued her first opinion as a Supreme Court justice. The bad news — it was in a dissent. More: CNN

Note 17: A judge blocked a rural county from trying to hand-count the ballots. The judge also told them to stop shitting in buckets. More: Axios

Note 18: It is insanely fucked up the way Ron DeSantis has done everything he can to scare Black Floridians from voting, and the beltway media just doesn’t give a good goddamn. More: Tallahassee.com

Note 19: VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Note 20: And on that note, let’s get to the news and then the long tedious wait. Hang in there today, SPs. We know this shit is intense, but be like Easy Eddie and have faith. Actually, don’t be like Easy Eddie. That dude seems a little suspect. Love y’all!

Holy shit!

It’s official that Americans spend too much money on elections. Now it’s not like we overpaid for a social media platform that we’re wrecking, but it’s still insanely fucked up. And as long as there’s this much money in politics, there’s gonna be a shitload of corruption.

Real courage

Speaker Pelosi gave her first interview since the attack on her husband, and it was as emotional as you’d expect. The speaker condemned those who have been mocking and lying about the attack, and she talked about how bad that is for the country. As usual, she was a picture of grace under the shittiest of circumstances. More: Axios

Thank you

So y’all know how we love to get all mushy, and we weren’t gonna let today’s TBS end without saying a big thank you to each and every one of you. Thank you for knocking on doors, giving money, making calls, tweeting at assholes, sending us emails and just generally being awesome. We consider ourselves damn lucky to write this newsletter every day for you, and we are equally grateful to be in this fight with you. Please be good to yourselves today, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. We love you, Sexy Patriots.

Today’s clips

The effects of climate change in the United States are already “far-reaching” and getting worse, but there remains hope that a rapid transition to a net zero economy can stave off the worst impacts of a warmer world, according to a sweeping new report. More: Huff Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.