Today's Big Stuff 1.18.22

1.18.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 294 days until the midterm elections. Virginia gets all Trumpy, Gorsuch is a piece of shit and Matt Gaetz had a bad weekend. 

Be advised: We’ve decided to stop cussing and spelling stuff wrong. Nah, we’re just fucking with ewe.

Note: And we’re back! How the heck-fire are you, Sexy Patriots! Well we missed you and you smell fantastic. And frankly that’s not easy to do after the torrential downpour of hypocritical bullshit that damn near downed the country yesterday.

Yeah, apparently MLK Day now doubles as Getting Trolled By Racist Douchebags Day. It actually reminds us of our favorite quote from Dr. King — “Kyrsten Sinema should keep my name out of her mouth, and Mitch McConnell is a fucking asshole.” Now we can’t be sure Dr. King actually said those things and now that we think about it, it seems pretty darn unlikely that he did. Or maybe it was a different Dr. King. Regardless, we got pretty darn sick and tired of getting trolled yesterday on a day meant to honor the life and work of one of America’s greatest heroes, and we’re sure you can relate. The good news is we think we found a pretty good solution.

Welcome to the start of Racist Piece of Shit Week! Yes, from now on, MLK Day will be followed by Racist Piece of Shit Week. It will be like final exam week from back in the day and basically the way it works is racist pieces of shit who had the goddamn motherfucking gall to put out a statement about their love of Dr. King after spending the other 364 days of the year shitting on his work and legacy will have to explain why the fuck they thought it was cool to put out a tweet. So let’s say you’re a senator who thinks dry-humping the filibuster is more important than protecting the vote of Black people but you still had the goddamn nerve to be talking about content of character yesterday. Well in that case, this week would really suck for you because they’d keep getting asked why they’re so full of shit. And by the way, is it just us or can you actually smell the content of some of these sonsofbitches’ characters? Yeah, someone should like a match. Or at least open a window. 

The point is we’re not forgetting who these people really are. We’re not forgetting how they spend the rest of the year. And we’re not done calling them out by a damn sight. Because the reality is every week is Racist Piece of Shit Week. And you can just call us the Weekend. More: NPR

Note two: It has come to our attention that someone already has the name the Weeknd so we’re just gonna stick with Today’s Big Stuff. We remain committed however to fighting racism in all its forms and calling out d-bag hypocrites. We regret any confusion. 

Note three: What in the hell? Trump rigged the census, and it’s barely a fucking story. Like we knew in real time that he was doing this, but maybe some of our watchdogs should be barking louder or our party should be holding public hearings. It’s really pretty fucking depressing how much shit orange assface got away with. More NPR

Note four: If you only read one thing that came out of this year’s MLK Day, we recommend this twitter thread by 1619 Project creator Nikole Hannah-Jones.

Note five: Did y’all see that massive ratio Sinema got yesterday? Congrats to Arizona’s dumbest senator on becoming the non-orange face of racist voter suppression. Democrats are pressing ahead with their focus on voting rights this week, so there will be lots more time to hate on the filibuster lovers. More: Newsweek

Note six: We’re watching Peacemaker on HBOMax and we can’t stop laughing. We’re not being paid to say that, but we will happily keep saying it if HBO wants to give us some money. 

Note seven: Looks like Jim Obergefell isn’t done making a difference. More: HuffPost

Note eight: They say the Omicron wave is easing. Well they also said that shit was mild. Keep your mask on and get that booster. More: CNBC

Note nine: Michigan Republicans tried to get into the state capital to stop the certification of Biden’s win. Seems like a big deal to us. More: Detroit News

Note 10: Just a reminder that abortion is illegal in Texas for intents and purposes. More: Washington Post

Note 11: Liz Cheney is running against actual terrorists. You have to assume that her daddy is starting to believe in karma. More: The Daily Beast

Note 12: Does anyone give a fuck about Trump vs. Ron DeSantis? It’s like a discarded Publix container vs. a churro wrapper from Disneyworld — they’re both just Florida trash. More: Axios

Note 13: Really this is fucking brilliant and why the hell are we not making more serious moves to keep the people who tried to overthrow the government from doing it again? More: HuffPost

Note 14: It seems like every week we read a story about how the Jan. 6 committee is unsure of how to deal with the Republican terrorists in Congress. Well figure it the fuck out. It’s been a year, and the clock is ticking. More: Washington Post

Note 15: One America News got dropped by DirectTV over the weekend. Yeah, the channel’s biggest fans just went outside and watched animals fuck instead. It was the healthiest program they’ve watched in years. More: NBC News

Note 16: We love the Second Gentleman! More: AP News

Note 17: Huge congrats to our buddy Rex Chapman who is getting his own show on CNN+. Well done, Sexy Rexy! 

Note 18: Josh Hawley refused to honor the Capitol workers who cleaned up the mess he and his terrorist buddies made. Is Missouri just a shithole filled with assholes? Or is he something special? More: McClatchy DC

Note 19: Elise Stefanik is lying human garbage. And we typed that out before we even saw this story. More: North Country Public Radio

Note 20: Remember how Trump put that scummy troll on a board that deals with American heritage? Remember how that troll lied and spread conspiracy theories about Jan. 6? Well Biden fired his ass. More: Washington Post

Note 21: Wow. Look at Beto putting up a big number! More: Texas Tribune

Note 22: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news. We sure missed y’all over the long weekend, and we’re happier than pigs in shit to be back with you. We hope y’all are rested and ready to kick some ass this week. Have a good one!

Old Dominion

New Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin was sworn in and immediately went to work trying to make Virginia all Trumpy. In a series of executive orders, Youngkin sought to prolong the pandemic and the reconstruction era, and it’s really pretty fucking gross. School districts around the state were quick to tell the new governor to fuck off with his anti-mask mandates, and now his lieutenant governor is threatening to withhold funds. Oh and his GOP allies moved fast to try and limit voting. Wonder why that’s always so important to them. Guess we’re about to find out how well Florida Republican bullshit goes over in a purple state. More: Washington Post, 13 News Now, Axios

Fuck off, Neil

We already knew that Neil Gorsuch is a piece of shit. But now we know that he’s a piece of shit who wants to kill his coworkers. According to a new piece by longtime court-watcher Nina Totenberg, the court was made aware that Justice Sotomayor’s diabetes puts her in a high-risk category when it comes to COVID. But Gorsuch still refused to wear a mask even though he sits right fucking next to her. So she’s had to do everything by remote. Republican Supreme Court justices are exactly the assholes we thought they were. More: NPR

LOLOL

Remember when we found out that Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend was testifying in front of a grand jury? Well now we know she has been granted immunity. Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha. How the fuck is this guy still on the House Judiciary Committee? Are there any reporters covering the House? More: CBS News

Today’s Clips

Christopher Miller, who was acting secretary of defense during the Jan. 6 riot, met Friday with members of the House committee investigating the origins of the attack on the Capitol, a source familiar with the panel's activities told NBC News. More: NBC News

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