Today's Big Stuff 11.8.21

11.8.21

It’s Monday. There are 365 days — THAT’S ONE FREAKING YEAR, PEOPLE — until the midterm elections. Biden has a big weekend, a right-wing court rules in favor of COVID even though its way worse for red areas and how far Mitch McConnell has fallen.

Be advised: We’ve got a bad case of the Mondays so we’re gonna be cussing a lot and spelling lots of shit wrong. Fack.

Note: Hellllllllloooooooo there, you sexy patriots! We missed y’all so much this weekend! But you apparently spent your days off getting somehow getting even hotter. Yowzer! Too much for a Monday morning? Yeah, we get that. But we’ve got some fucked up news to share, and we figured we’d cushion the blow by reminding you you’re perfect. Ok, so here goes — Big Bird is trying to indoctrinate our children. And Oscar the Grouch is Deep State.

Yep. We thought it was just run-of-the-mill Ted Cruz bullshit too, but we did our own research at Aaron Rodgers University and it turns out that Sesame Street has gone full socialist communist hippie. Yeah, it’s a real fucking mess over there. Grover is using gender-neutral bathrooms, the Cookie Monster is dipping his shit in almond milk, Elmo won’t stop laughing hysterically and you don’t even wanna know what Burt and Ernie have been doing. Those sonsofbitches are teaching our kids all kinds of anti-conservative values — vaccination, love, tolerance, inclusivity, learning to count. So if you want to stand up for real American values and do a puppet Jan. 6 on the Street, meet us in front of Mr. Hooper’s store and let’s show these felt assholes just how dumb we can be.

Now, if everything you just read sounds really fucking stupid — and it should — imagine how it would look next to a party that spent the weekend passing a massive infrastructure bill and celebrating a blockbuster jobs report. Seems like a real shocking and obvious contrast, right? Like maybe the kind of thing that reporters and news shows should talk about to highlight the yawning chasm of seriousness between the two parties? Yeah, we think so too. But Dana Bash asking Mark Warner if Democrats are “too woke” is good too. Godfuckingdamnit. Screw it. Give us some of whatever Elmo is having. More: NBC News

Note two: We hope y’all had a wonderful weekend, and we do hope you’ll forgive our cantankerous opener today. What can we say? We don’t like people who fuck with Sesame Street.

Note three: Hey, speaking of infrastructure bills, can y’all help us remember how many of those Trump passed? How many? Zero? Well that doesn’t sound right. He told us he was a builder. Oh we see, he was full of shit. Oh well. Guess he’s just a loser. More: Washington Post

Note four: So admit it — you’re both relieved and pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t the New York Times who stole Ashley Biden’s diary. More: New York Times, New York Times II

Note five: So look, we don’t like to get too negative around here, but y’all need to see these poll numbers. We are not in great shape. Biden at 38 percent. Ouch. Looks like an outlier, but still. Here’s the good news — Friday was a reminder that we have tons and tons of good shit to talk about. So let’s get to talking about it. More: USA Today

Note six: So the way Republicans are embracing men who beat and abuse women is beyond fucked up even for a party that just tried to violently overthrow the government. Let’s hope our party and our candidates are hesitant to call this messed up shit out. More: Washington Post

Note seven: We have been trying so hard to not get our hopes up about Trump ever facing any actual consequences for his endless crime spree. But stories like this out of Georgia make our hopes put on their climbing shoes. More: New York Times

Note eight: So did anyone else get Ice Cube whiplash from Aaron Rodgers last week? Like how the eff did we spend 20 years thinking these guys were brilliant? That’s our bad. More: CNN

Note nine: We mentioned this last week but man we are rooting so hard for Gabby Giffords on this thing. Josh Hawley is a freak, and it’s past time the law caught up with him. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Did y’all watch The Harder They Fall on Netflix? It’s pretty damn cool. If you like violent westerns, don’t miss it.

Note 11: At the top of the list of shit that keeps us up at night, right next to the way Trump talks about his daughter, is the knowledge that so many of our police and military forces have been infiltrated by groups like the Oath Keepers. More: NPR

Note 12: It’s one of the reasons we were glad to see this story about the government asking for harsher sentences for Jan. 6ers who were also veterans. More: Associated Press

Note 13: The Jan. 6 committee is readying more subpoenas. But don’t worry. We have all the time in the world for Merrick Garland to find a backbone. Oh wait no we don’t. We’ve got a goddamn year. More: The Guardian, Washington Post

Note 14: Come on. How the fuck is Youngkin’s kid trying to vote underage not a bigger deal? Oh right. He’s a rich white kid and they can do whatever they want. More: NBC Washington

Note 15: Do you remember when Democrats won the House in 2018 and then the press spent the next year chasing the squad around and trying to make them look like terrorists? Well why don’t they do that same shit to the actual terrorists in Congress? More: Talking Points Memo

Note 16: We are never going to be comfortable rooting for Liz Cheney. It’s just not right. But goddamnit we have to applaud her taking this on on Fox. More: The Daily Beast

Note 17: We want to give a special shoutout to Rep. Pramila Jayapal. She has been steadfast in leading the progressive caucus, and that is no easy task. Especially when a lazy press corps keeps blaming you for shit corrupt centrists are actually doing. Thank you, Rep. Jayapal for all your hard work. We know you’ll do your best to bring the BBB bill across the finish line. More: CNN

Note 18: We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — this country is damn lucky to have Dr. Jill Biden as first lady. More: CNN

Note 19: Thanks to Eric Boehlert for calling out the media’s refusal to acknowledge Joe Biden’s big wins. More: Press Run

Note 20: Ok, you amazing rock stars, let’s get to the news. We did real good to end last week, and we need to make sure we’re celebrating and talking about it this week. So keep those sexy party hats on, sexy patriots. We hope y’all have a wonderful day. Love y’all!

BFD Weekend

Well that was quite a Friday. And no we’re not talking about that shit you did that had you making apology calls on Saturday morning. We’re talking about how Democrats followed up an eye-popping jobs report by passing the biggest infrastructure bill that’s been passed in forever. We gotta turn our attention to the next bill and getting moderates to keep their promises, but this was a really big fucking deal and we need to talk about it a lot. This first AP link tells you what all is in this thing. Congrats to President Biden and Speaker Pelosi on getting it across the finish line. More: Associated Press, Washington Post

You gotta be shittin us

Those assholes on the Fifth Circuit are at it again. After refusing to stay that horrifying Texas abortion law, they’ve decided they do want to issue a stay when it comes to Biden’s vaccine mandate/testing requirements. It’s basically like having a whole circuit court that’s just Don fucking Junior. SCOTUS has been letting this shit through, though we don’t know how long that will last as they are obviously partisan hacks. And really, they should care. A new NYT story today shows that the death toll is three times higher in Trump counties than those who voted for Biden. And get this — “last month, 25 out of every 100,000 residents of heavily Trump counties died from COVID.” Seems odd that a federal court is trying so hard to make that worse. More: Washington Post, New York Times

Oh Mitch

Mitch McConnell used to call himself the grim reaper. Now he’s just some loser with a sickle. WaPo goes deep today on what a soulless hypocrite McConnell is and how he’s still just Trump’s little pet even though he tried to stand up to him for like two minutes. Mitch wrote a book a couple of years ago called The Long Game. Yeah, it apparently ends with a gameshow host walking you on a leash. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

As the United States reopens its international borders Monday to travelers from 33 countries who have proof of vaccination and a recent negative coronavirus test, airlines are bracing for an “onslaught” of passengers as families and binational couples prepare to reunite following months of separation. More: Washington Post

U.S. Covid cases have fallen to less than half of the pandemic’s most recent peak, a sign that the country may be moving past the punishing wave brought on by the delta variant this summer. More: CNBC

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