Today's Big Stuff 11.7.22

11.7.22

It’s Monday. ELECTION DAY IS TOMORROW!!! Laughing at a broken billionaire, McCarthy wants to put Marjorie Taylor Gross on oversight and the Russians admit they’re helping Republicans.

Be advised: We were gonna ask you to pardon our french. But we don’t speak french. We do cuss like some motherfuckers though.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you holding up? What’s that? You’re not holding up? You’re fired up? Oh sorry. FIRED UP!!!! Well fuck yeah! That’s how we’re rolling into this crucial Monday too. These next 48 hours to two years are gonna be pretty intense and pretty nuts, so we wanted to put together a little guide to help you deal with some of the people you might encounter in these tense times. So here are a few handy phrases to help you out…

Pollster — Kiss my ass

Pundit — Go kiss that pollster’s ass

Exit pollsters: Kiss a magic goat’s ass

Republicans — Go kiss Trump’s ass

Undecided voters — Kiss our asses, no wait don’t, we love you

Defeatist Democrats — Go jump up your own ass and cry there

Election deniers — Kiss America’s ass, eat shit and then go fuck yourself

It’s important to remember that no one knows anything, and the people pretending like they do are completely full of shit. The only thing we do know is that we’re on the side of goodness and sexiness and real patriotism, and we know that because of you awesome mofos.

So to hell with everyone who’s not a voter or a poll-worker, and let’s bring this motherfucker home tomorrow. We’re so goddamn grateful to be with you, SPs. Thanks for keeping us sane-ish, and thanks for fighting for this country. We love y’all.

Note two: WHO’S READY TO VOTE?!!! If you haven’t early voted, do you have a plan? Who are you taking with you? How big is your van? Can you fit a couple more? Wait. Why are the windows blacked out? Oh dear lord…

Note three: Remember that the “I Voted” sticker is a middle finger to fascism.

Note four: In case you need a reminder of the sick degenerate toad taint licking scum that we’re up against…

Note five: The whole world is laughing at Elon Musk. Well the whole world except his army of incel losers also known as the Republican Party. And we’re laughing at them too. More: CNBC

Note six: Seriously, apartheid asshat, free Kathy Griffin! More: CNN

Note seven: I have a big smelly butt that stinks and I like to smell my own butt. Sincerely, Elon Musk

Note eight: So there’s a Blood Moon tomorrow night. We’re choosing to believe that’s a good sign. Or a harbinger of the end of all life here on earth. But no, definitely a good sign. More: The Guardian

Note nine: This scum in Wisconsin is literally trying to stop military votes from being counted. Even for a Republican, that’s some fucked up shit. More: Axios

Note 10: It’s the year 2030 and Sen. Herschel Walker has caused an international incident by trying to abort the Martians who just landed bringing peace. Let’s not let that happen, ok?

Note 11: Susan Collins defended “Dr.” Oz on abortion. Congrats to a Washington press corps that spent decades calling that trash pro-choice. Bangor Daily News

Note 12: Republicans are already trying to have thousands of mail ballots thrown out in battleground states. The story is paywalled and gutless so you’re not missing anything, but the attack from Republicans is very real. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Nikki Haley said that Rev. Warnock should be deported. Yes, she really said that. Yes, she is the fucking worst. More: WKRG

Note 14: This made us lol.

Note 15: If you’ve volunteered to be an election worker, we just want to tell you how fucking grateful we are. It’s always been a really cool thing to do. But now it’s also a brave thing to do, and we salute your courage as well as your love of this country.

Note 16: What? We’re allowed to have a serious note every once in a while.

Note 17: We love this ad from Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto where she points out that her Republican opponent’s family hates him and endorsed her. It really should be more of a sign to voters when the people who know these assholes best won’t vote for them. More: NBC News

Note 18: Ron DeSantimonious? Really? We’d say Trump has lost it, but that orange dumbfuck ship sailed and sank long ago. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note 19: Want to see something awesome that has nothing to do with politics but will make you smile? We thought so…

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s get to the news section. But first, a quick thank you. We built this newsletter to help ourselves and other people cope with the endless shitshow that Trumpism flushed upon this country. At super stressful times like these, we’re really fucking glad we did. Thanks for being in this foxhole with us, SPs. Have a blessed day.

Fuck Elon

So this post was gonna be about how Elon is a fucking loser who can’t handle people making fun of him. But then that miserable piece of shit announced that everyone should vote Republican, and now it’s a post about how Elon can fuck all the way off. Look dude, we get that you’re a racist rich asshole who hates women. But don’t be such a fucking cliche. Anyway, twitter is now a tool of the Republican Party just like Fox News and the New York Times. We are sprinting toward a future where Today’s Big Stuff is the only real and independent news organization out there, and we are most definitely not a real news organization. More: Reuters

Yikes

Why do we have to give it all we’ve got these next two days? Because Marjorie Taylor Batshit Fucking Crazy wants on the House Oversight Committee, and apparently scumnuts Kevin McCarthy is cool with it. Yes, this shit is scary. That’s why we’re gonna turn the fuck out and stop it from happening. More: Market Watch

They’re back

There were reports over the weekend that US intelligence was seeing Russian interference on behalf of Republican candidates in the major swing states. And then the fuckers just came out and admitted it. So yeah, add those sick fucks to the long list of people we’re about to piss off by winning tomorrow. LET’S DO THIS, SEXY PATRIOTS!!!

Today’s clips

Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-S.C.) on Sunday defended his warnings about the existential threats to U.S. democracy, drawing similarities to the rise of the Nazis in Germany, and urged voters to reject election deniers in Tuesday’s midterm elections. More: Huff Post

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