Today's Big Stuff 11.5.21

11.5.21

Happy Friday. There are 368 days until the midterm elections. A scorching hot jobs report suggests Brandon knows what he’s doing, we might actually get votes today and some good pandemic news.

Be advised: This newsletter is in a weekend mood which means more cussing and more typos. We don’t even have any clever shit to ad here.

Note: Hooray!!! It’s Friday, sexy patriots! The weekend is upon us. And if we’re honest about it, we are really damn glad it’s here. Because y’all know all too well this week was a little rough. Or at least it was until yesterday. And then something really crazy happened — a Jan. 6 terrorist put a smile on our face. Yeah, we’ve totally lost our shit.

See, we’re doing something even we can’t fucking believe today and saying a giant THANK YOU to one of the pieces of human garbage who took part in the attack on our Capitol. What can we say? It has been that fucked up of a week. So here goes — Thank you, Jenna Ryan!

Dear Jenna, Thank you for tweeting that “Sorry I have blonde hair white skin a great job a great future and I’m not going to jail… I did nothing wrong.” Thank you for being such a gross and remorseless face of the scum who attacked us and our democracy. And thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for being so wrong with your obnoxious prediction.

When we heard Thursday that you had been sentenced to 60 days, we laughed. And we laughed. And we laughed. And our sides hurt. And then we laughed some more. And then we peed a little. And then we kept laughing. And then we saw another tweet from the jailbound Jenna. “I’m just gonna make a blanket statement to all the people calling me and texting me. You win!!! I’m going to prison. So you don’t need to contact me anymore. Pop the champagne and then rejoice. But just leave me alone. Thank you.”

Well, you’re welcome, Jenna. And though we don’t think you’re worth a bottle of champagne, or even an old bottle of like Mad Dog 2020 or some shit, we’ll take you up on your offer to rejoice and then forget all about your gross treasonous ass. And while we’re normally not the type to laugh at folks getting sent up the river since this country has debilitating incarceration and criminal justice issues, we are making an exception in your case. LOL. Thanks for the laughs and thanks for turning our week around, superstar. Peace. More: Washington Post

Note two: Is it weird to feel bad for the prison that has to contain her? It’s like if there was an album called Folsom Prison Blues but it was the prison singing the blues because it had to deal with that miserable nightmare.

Note three: Joe Manchin drives a fucking Maserati?! Are you shittin’ us?! It’s like every goddamn day he wakes up and smiles and gives us both middle fingers right to our goddamn faces. More: Daily Dot

Note four: Told y’all we were cussing a lot today. Phew. Make sure you put this newsletter in a safe place. Wouldn’t want some squares getting a hold of it.

Note five: This sure is a good time to be a lobbyist. But when isn’t it? More: Washington Post

Note six: This trial is a fucking mess. Does anyone really think justice is coming out of this thing? More: Law and Crime

Note seven: If Jenna Ryan hadn’t made us laugh, Adam Kinzinger thinking he’ll be president would’ve done the trick. More: CNN

Note eight: It’s heartbreaking to see this country do a big damn U-turn from last year’s pledges to defeat racism. Is that just the American way? More: Washington Post

Note nine: There’s a whole goddamn institute trying to overthrow the U.S. government. Seems bad to us. More: Vice

Note 10: Holy freaking shit! This post has candor, humility and reflection. How the hell did this guy get a job in politics? More: NJ.com

Note 11: So last year, we introduced the concept of “news horny.” It’s basically headlines that make us happy. Well, after a shit week, we’ve got a lot of news horniness going on this Friday. And we just had to put this one on that list. More: Washington Post

Note 12: The United States is suing Texas. We hope we take Texas to school. A school with lots of diverse text books. More: CNN

Note 13: Imagine what capping the cost of insulin would do for so many Americans. More: Market Watch

Note 14: Some of the redistricting attempts we’re seeing in red states are just fucking shocking. More: Salon

Note 15: Wow! West Hollywood’s minimum wage is for real! More: LAist

Note 16: Gather ‘round, kids, and we’ll tell you about the time when headlines like this killed political careers. More: CNN

Note 17: We love when Trump and Rudy get sued. We also love it when Rudy’s depositions get leaked. You know, like poop from his forehead. More: NBC News, CNN

Note 18: So this scumbag in New Jersey is hardly a feel-good story. Yikes. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Thank you to Sen. Patty Murray who is fighting the good fight to make daylight saving time permanent. We already have enough darkness in our lives.

Note 20: Ok, you super sexy patriots, let’s get to the news, which is actually pretty goddamn good today. We hope y’all have a kick ass weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday. Love y’all!

Hot damn!

That’s all we could say when we say last month’s jobs report. Check this shit out — 531,000 jobs added! Unemployment rate down to 4.6 percent! September jobs report revised from 194,000 up to 312,000! August jobs report revised from 366,000 to 483,000! Folks, this jobs market is smoking hot! Like us! Maybe this Brandon fellas knows what the fuck he’s doing. More: CNBC

Is this really happening?

No, no it’s not. It sure looked like we were ready to vote to pass the infrastructure bill and send it to President Biden’s desk and pass the social spending bill and send it to the Senate. But it appears that a handful of assholes from the corporate-funded No Labels are gonna hold it up again so they can get a CBO score. Yeah, once again the so-called moderates are fucking us. Hopefully the speaker can convince them otherwise, but they seem determined to suck. Oh and we won’t get a CBO score for weeks, so they are really fucking us here. More: Associated Press

The end?

So Pfizer delivered some shockingly good news today — their new oral COVID therapy works. Apparently it reduces hospitalizations and death by 90 percent. If the economy is this hot right now, just imagine if Biden actually ends this pandemic. Keep your heads up, sexy patriots. And enjoy the good news day. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips

Former President Donald Trump’s attempt to use “executive privilege” to cover up his actions before and during the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol ran into a federal judge Thursday who appeared unconvinced by his arguments. More: Huff Post

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