Today's Big Stuff 1.14.22

1.14.22

Happy Friday. There are 298 days until the midterm elections. The Senate cancels recess for next week after getting screwed over by some assholes, DOJ charges some dirtbag traitors with being dirtbag traitors (and sedition) and the Supreme Court has a bloodlust that can’t be satisfied.

Be advised: You best believe we are cussing and spelling shit wrong like some motherfackers todoy. Goddamnip.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How are you oh fuck it we know how you are. Pissed off, confused, pissed off, frustrated, pissed off and unsure what to do next. We can assure you that you are not alone. In fact if you heard someone screaming “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!” at the sky without interruption for the last 24 hours then you should have come over to say hi because that was us. Of course it’s also probably smart not to go around trying to chat up red-faced lunatics cussing at the sun.

Before we get to the news and wish y’all a good weekend, there’s a couple of things we’d like to do today. The first thing we want to do is deliver a message to Sen. Kirsten Sinema. Here it is — fuck you, fuck off and go fuck yourself. If you’re not gonna defend democracy, then you’re not a goddamn Democrat. It’s in the fucking name of the party. Please and thank you and eat shit.

With that out of the way, we want to issue a bit of a mea culpa. It’s hard for us because we’re rarely wrong. But if you’re wrong about something — like a horrible haircut and orange make-up or losing an election by 7 million votes — then you should come clean. So that’s what we’re gonna do.

Since this little newsletter began, we have repeatedly counseled y’all to remember that you’re not crazy — they are. But yesterday we were listening to some Waylon Jennings and he was singing “I’ve always been crazy, but it’s kept me from going insane.” And it was like a neon lightbulb went off over our heads — If they want to get crazy, then let’s get crazy.

LOL. We hope y’all weren’t coming here today for an actual plan because unfortunately we sure as shit do not have one except do what we’ve always done which is cuss like some fucking sailors and try to win elections against scumbags, sleazebags and pieces of human garbage. Even if they happen to be in our own party and from Arizona. So yeah, let’s get a little nuts. Laugh at a stop sign, eat ice cream for lunch, dye your hair with that shit Rudy Giuliani uses. Until we can figure out a fucking plan to save everything, we’re just gonna have to keep on keepin’ on because we’re Americans and we don’t quit. We’re fucking crazy like that. And sexy. Soooooo sexy. Y’all have a great weekend. More: Huff Post, Huff Post II

Note two: So we want to make sure y’all know we’re talking about Patsy Cline, Prince and Gnarls Barkley crazy and not actual mental health. Friends, these last few years have put our collective minds through a fucking meat grinder. Please take care of your mental health. Hell, putting out this newsletter is part of our release valve, and Sam won’t shut up about how much he likes his therapist. So please make sure you’re checking in on the ol’ noggin’. We love y’all.

Note three: So we think we’re gonna take Monday off to honor Dr. King. We’ll probably still work because we work when we’re pissed off about shitty corrupt senators and also we’d feel kinda lazy and dickish just taking that day off and doing nothing.

Note four: Should we talk about politics? We mentioned the Arizona traitor, but did you know that Rep. Reuben Gallego is already thinking about challenging her in a primary? Well we like his style. More: The Hill

Note five: President Biden is going to talk today about implementing the infrastructure bill, that thing that Manchin and Sinema fucked us over on. The White House is announcing a big plan to rebuild and repair bridges and no we’re not going near that metaphor with a 10-foot fucking pole. We ain’t David Brooks. More: CNN, Associated Press

Note six: Tomorrow is the end of open enrollment for Obamacare. If you or someone you know needs health coverage, go to healthcare.gov. More: CNN

Note seven: Sure seems like a big deal to us that Kevin McCarthy is flip-flopping on Trump’s responsibility for the Jan. 6 attack. But what do we know? We’re just a cussing newsletter. More: CNN

Note eight: Not long after Sinema stuck a knife in democracy yesterday, a Wisconsin judge outlawed drop boxes. Nice work, senator! More: Washington Post

Note nine: Need a shot of hope? You’re on the same side as Stacey Abrams. That always makes us feel better. We’re also on the same side as Willie Nelson. That also helps. More: AJC

Note 10: Get ready for Putin to pull some Putin shit and get ready for Biden to get blamed for it by the assholes at the New York Times. More: CNN

Note 11: Thanks to Michigan AG Dana Nessel for referring the document-forging creeps to DOJ where Merrick Garland will probably tell them how disappointed he is in them. More: Detroit News

Note 12: In one Texas country, half of all applications for mail ballots are being rejected. Jim Crow laws are working the way they are intended to. More: Texas Tribune

Note 13: Republicans are already pulling out of presidential debates because they are chickenshit cowards. Seriously. Aren’t these supposed to be big tough guys? It’s the fucking presidential debate commission. More: CNN

Note 14: It is nothing fucking short of appalling that ABC would edit the CDC director’s comments, launch a thousand dangerous conspiracy theories and then not even explain what happened. The news media is basically the House Republican caucus at this point. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Gee. Thanks for the apology, assface. More: CNN

Note 16: Marsha Blackburn is racist trash. More: Commercial Appeal

Note 17: California Gov. Gavin Newsom denied parole to RFK killer Sirhan Sirhan. Guess CPAC will have to find another speaker. More: The Guardian

Note 18: As much as we hate Trump and fear his army of shitlings, we do love them go after Republican assholes like John Thune. Enjoy your monster, Dr. Frankenstein. More: NBC News

Note 19: Ok, you badass SPs, it’s news time. We know this week has been a total mindfuck and it just happened to come in the middle of a mindfuck month of a mindfucked decade, but we want you to know you’re doing great. Keep hanging in there. We’ll see y’all Tuesday. Be good to yourself.

Recess canceled

Chuck Schumer announced late last night that the Senate is canceling its MLK week recess and will return to Washington next week to take up voting rights. You remember voting rights? They’re the thing two Democratic senators teamed up with the Republican Party to kill. Yeah, we got fucked but good by Sinema and Manchin yesterday, and then those two scumbags had the nerve to go back to the White House to meet with Biden again. And they got nowhere. The president was pretty candid Sinema’s stunt that he doesn’t know if he can get this done. So we’ll just say what he often does — keep the faith. And good for Schumer for making those dicks go on record. More: CNN, The Hill

Sedition

We’ve been told by terrorist sypmathizers that the Jan. 6 terrorists weren’t a part of an insurrection because nobody had been charged with insurrection. Well now the head of the Oathkeepers and his scumbag buddies have been charged with sedition. Fucking sedition. And their pals at Fox News are still cheering them on. CNN, Washington Post, New York Times, Associated Press

Fuck SCOTUS

The Supreme Court decided yesterday to kill a lot of people. Yeah, a broken, corrupt and rigged SCOTUS voted to block Biden’s vaccine-or-test mandate for businesses. They did allow it narrowly to stand for healthcare workers, but that’s probably only because they’re worried about saving their own miserable asses. The U.S. government is corrupted and broken. Guess we better save it. More: Associated Press, Washington Post

Today’s clips

The House select committee investigating the deadly Capitol riot has subpoenaed social media giants Twitter, Reddit and the parent companies of Facebook and Google, the panel’s chairman said Thursday. More: CNBC

President Joe Biden plans to sign executive actions on police reform as early as this month, three people familiar with the plans said, as his administration seeks to unilaterally jump-start an issue that is a top priority for a key constituency. More: NBC News

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