Today's Big Stuff 1.13.22

1.13.22

It’s Thursday. There are 299 bottles of beer on the wall… we mean days until the midterm elections. Democrats go big on voting rights thanks to some Schumer creativity, Matt Gaetz seems to have some problems and Kevin McCarthy tries to cover up an attack on the United States. 

Be advised: This newsletter contains dirty and often misspelled werds. 

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How are y’all today? Really? The whole thing? Well that’s damn impressive. Us? Well, we’re celebrating the end of a long and pointless search. But we found him. We found him! We have found the lowest most pathetic sonofabitch on the face of this here Earth. His name is Kevin McCarthy and he is a fucking coward. You have probably heard about Kevin and his candy. Yes, you have probably read about how cowardly Kevin found out that Trump’s favorite candy were starbursts — but only the pink and red ones — so the Kevinly lion started taking pink and red starbursts and great big chunks of his already flaccid dignity as gifts to his orange god. The orange god greedibly gobbled them up, getting spittle and orange make-up all over the fucking place. 

So yeah, that’s Kevin the candyman. Nothing sweet about that shit. But what you might not know is he’s also known as the Yellowbrick Road. It is a little known secret inside Republican circles that Kevin pees himself a little bit every time he hears the word “Trump.” Yeah, it’s not a full on pee, just a little bit. But they add up quick as you can imagine. So basically everywhere that cowardly piece of shit goes, he’s leaving a trail of urine behind him. Like a goddamn slug. They say one of the reasons he’s so dim-witted and cruel is because he is constantly dehydrated. His aides wear LL Bean duck boots all the time. He tells visitors to his office that the plastic on the floor is for remodeling but it ain’t. Just nonstop 24/7 pissing himself.  

But Kevin is about so much more than coddling facism, delivering candy as tribute and endlessly peeing himself. He’s also about reminding us what the fuck our future looks like if we sit these midterms out. And they are not being shy about warning us what they want to do. That’s the thing about existential threats — they kinda overshadow everything else. So we’re handing out a fuck you and a thank you. Fuck you, Kevin, for being a chickenshit coward who’s hiding the truth about an attack on the U.S. Capitol from the American people. And thank you, you pathetic starburst bum, for reminding us how much it would suck if you were ever in charge of anything. Fuel to the fire! Let’s go! 

Note two: No, seriously, they are coming for us. Check out these stories about what those sick fucks have planned if they take back the House. More: Axios, CNN

Note three: Damn. RIP Ronnie Spector. More: CNN

Note four: Did y’all see Dick Durbin say that the president might have gone a little “too far” in his voting rights speech in Georgia? This guy’s supposed to be on our side. It’s the only reason we’re not taking his first name and showing y’all just how immature we can be. And the damn shame of it is we were planning to praise him for getting a little tougher on Senate Judiciary. The man just melts in front of a television camera. Get it together, Dick. More: CNN, Huff Post

Note five: Please spread the word that the 15th is the last day of open enrollment for Obamacare. If you or anyone you know needs healthcare, go to healthcare.gov. 

Note six: Y’all pack your shit and kiss your loved ones goodbye. Crackhead Mike Lindell has enough evidence to put 300 million Americans in prison, and that’s pretty much all of us so we’ll see y’all there. More: Raw Story

Note seven: Wow. A court of law actually called bullshit on a red state’s legislative redistricting. More: Dispatch

Note eight: It really is astonishing how many people are walking around free after attempting to overthrow the government of the United States and presenting fake documents to do so. More: CNN

Note nine: How far has Mitch McConnell fallen? He’s lost Lindsey Graham. And all you need to keep Lindsey Graham is a quarter and an ass for him to kiss. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Maseratti Manchin’s bullshit is causing real pain for the people who pay him to work for them. More: The Guardian

Note 11: Ron DeSantis is sure having a good time spending all that money Democrats are sending him. More: Herald Tribune

Note 12: While McConnell was telling us how offended he was to be called a racist, Marsha Blackburrn was showing how racist she is. More: Huff Post

Note 13: Y’all, we might as well just kiss the fucking postal service goodbye. Goddamnit. More: Reuters

Note 14: We’re damn glad to see there’s movement on our side of the aisle to ban stock-trading by members of Congress and their spouses. We love Speaker Pelosi more than we love our luggage, but we disagree with her on this one. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Say a prayer for the Jan. 6 committee. They had to talk to Kayleigh McEnwhatever. More: CNN

Note 16: It’s kinda fucked up just how excited we are to help whomever primaries Kyrsten Sinema. She is the actual worst. More: AZ Mirror

Note 17: Director Adam McKay has one of the hottest movies in the country right now with Don’t Look Up. But there’s only one person he wishes would watch it — Joe Manchin. More: Indie Wire

Note 18: In his first op-ed since leaving the White House, President Obama comes out swinging in favor of filibuster reform for voting rights. More: USA Today

Note 19: This is what’s coming if we don’t find a way to protect the right to vote. And it is scary as all hell. More: The Guardian

Note 20: Congratulations to badass superstar White House correspondent April Ryan on 25 years covering 1600. 

Note 21: Ok, you super hot SPs, let us get our fine asses to the news section. We hope y’all are hanging in there and getting through this winter however you can. We love you, and we know you’re keeping everyone around you warm. ‘Cause you’re so hot;) 

Let’s fucking go

Democrats have found a creative way to force a debate on their voting rights bills starting today. Basically they’re taking a NASA bill from the House and using it as a shell, filling it with the two voting rights bills, sending back and forth and thus avoiding a filibuster to allow debate. It’s not enough to get us an actual vote, but it will get us to a place where we’re talking about what’s in the bill and forcing scumbag Republicans (and two Democrats) to show Americans just how little they think of them. It will be described as a loss for Democrats when the obstructionists ultimately win. But today we fight. UPDATE: We just saw a report that Sinema is probably gonna go to the Senate floor and defend the filibuster before Joe Biden speaks to the Senate Democratic luncheon. She is all in with Jim Crow. More: Axios

Yikes

Matt Gaetz might have some trouble on his hands. But that kinda shit is bound to happen when you’re an iredeemable piece of shit who allegedly pays money on venmo to rape children. Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend testified in front of a grand jury yesterday. Oops! And that fucker is still on House Judiciary. He’s lucky his last name isn’t Omar or CNN would be all ove this shit. More: NBC News, CNN

Chickenshit

As we mentioned at the top, Kevin McCarthy is refusing to cooperate with the Jan. 6 committee. Yes, the coward who spoke with Trump while the Capitol was being attacked is refusing to talk about despite saying he would previously. He is the lowest of the low, and he might actually be covering up a crime. But please Mitch McConnell, tell us more about how you were offended by a speech. More: CNN, CNN II, Washington Post

Today’s clips

Senior Democratic senators on Wednesday will unveil a fresh package of sanctions to punish Russian President Vladimir Putin if he invades Ukraine, an effort backed by the White House as the administration seeks to tamp down defections on a competing measure targeting Moscow set for a closely watched Senate vote this week. More: Washington Post

President Joe Biden is highlighting the federal government’s efforts to “surge” COVID-19 testing and military medical personnel to help overwhelmed medical facilities weather the spike in coronavirus cases and staff shortages due to the highly transmissible omicron variant. More: Associated Press

Hedge fund executive David McCormick is the latest Republican to jump into Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senate primary, another candidate competing for oxygen in one of the nation’s hottest midterm races. More: Huff Post

The Republicans who insinuated a man at the Capitol riot last year was a federal agent are not backing off even after one of their own colleagues told them they’re wrong. More: Huff Post

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