Today’s Big Stuff 11.3.22

Today’s Big Stuff 11.3.22

It’s Thursday. There are FIVE FREAKING DAYS until Election Day! The insurrection was betting on their buddy Clarence, the Fed keeps trying to cause a recession and Dark Brandon warns of danger ahead.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Herschel Wallker pays for abortions — A LOT.

Note: Holy cow, Sexy Patriots! Did y’all somehow get sexier overnight? Or is it more patriotic? Well whatever it is, it’s working for you. Just like you’re working to save democracy, right? Yeah, we knew it. We knew y’all were gonna save us and the rest of the dumbfucks from going over the idiot cliff. And boy are we up against some real idiots. It’s not just us, right? Republicans are totally getting dumber right? Like this stupid sonofabitch…

Well you’re not gonna believe it but that silly dumbshit is absolutely right. Not only are children identifying as cats, but some kids are actually turning into them. We just happened to score an interview with Felix, a fifth grader in New Hampshire who is now more cat than human…

TBS: Felix, thanks for joining us.

Felix: No problem. You guys want to talk about student loan forgiveness or job creation?

TBS: Um no, we want to talk about the Republican war against you for being a kid-cat.

Felix: Ugh. Well that’s stupid. Y’all know there’s like really important shit going down, right?

TBS: We do and we’re embarrassed about this.

Felix: Well at least you can feel shame. I bet that dumb motherfucker Bolduc can’t.

TBS: No, probably not. What would you like to say to him?

Felix: How about don’t attack the Capitol, stop lying and oh yeah I’M NOT FUCKING REAL, YOU GODDAMN MORON!!!!

TBS: You make some really good points. Especially that last one. Anything else?

Felix: Meow, bitches.

And there you have it — an interview with a cat-child that we totally made up because that shit isn’t real and Republican Senate candidates are just dumber than a whole bag of goat shit.

Note two: Have you voted yet? How about your friends and family? If you don’t have a plan, make one. Go to Iwillvote.com.

Note three: Elon is said to be firing half of twitter’s employees today. It’s a machine that allows normal people to speak truth to power, and so he wants to destroy it because he just loves free speech so fucking much. What an asshole. More: Bloomberg

Note four: Holy crap that new movie is out where Daniel Radcliffe plays Weird Al. We know what we’re doing tonight. Partly because Weird Al is awesome but also because so is Radcliffe. More: Deadline

Note five: The Beltway media keeps telling us violence is a real possibility. Maybe they should take their heads out of their Republican sources’ asses and see that it’s already happening.

Note six: LOLOL. This asshole running to be Indiana’s Secretary of State seems to have voted illegally. Now he just needs to beat a cop with the American flag, and he’ll be the next Republican nominee for president. More: Indy Star 

Note seven: Kash Patel has been given limited immunity to testify against Trump. Given that he is an even more pathetic kiss-ass than Lindsey Graham, we’re not getting our hopes up here. More: CNN

Note eight: So all pollsters are lying fuckheads and all polls are made up bullshit. That said, almost every poll since that Pennsylvania debate shows Fetterman still leading. Maybe Pennsylvania voters aren’t the heartless assholes that our media are.

Note nine: L’Oreal has suspended advertising with Elon’s twitter. This is going really well so far. More: FT

Note 10: Kanye praised Hitler for years, apparently. He even had to pay people off to keep quiet. So was Kim one of those people? More: NBC News

Note 11: It’s probably not great that two Proud Boys have qualified as poll-watchers in Miami. The third one is an actual goddamn Jan. 6er. More: HuffPost

Note 12: “Dr.” Oz is going to campaign at a place that doesn’t allow same-sex weddings. It’s cool that his closing message is reminding everyone what a miserable hateful dickhead he is. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Want something to scare the living shit out of you? Well imagine Rand Paul in charge of the Senate health committee and leading a mob against Dr. Fauci. It could damn well happen. More: Washington Post

Note 14: It is truly sick the way Republicans have declared war on trans kids. Seems like just one reporter could ask these assholes exactly how many trans kids they’re hoping will commit suicide. More: Vice

Note 15: This guy is sooooooooo good.

Note 16: Are any of you Star Wars nerds? Are you watching Andor? It’s pretty intense.

Note 17: So this seems important from WaPo — Georgia could go to a run-off, Alaska’s results won’t be available until Nov. 23 and Wisconsin, Arizona and Pennsylvania won’t count mail-in ballots until after Election Day. We might not know who won what for a while. And that’s when Republicans get really fucking dangerous. More: Washington Post

Note 18: It looks like that Washington asshole scumbag — no, the other one — might finally be selling the Washington football team. Just need that and an exorcism, and then they can start to rebuild. More: ESPN

Note 19: If you’ve seen a super racist ad while watching tv, there’s a good chance Stephen Miller is behind it. He’s the kidnapping monster who got a free pass for being a kidnapping monster because he’s a source for all the big-time reporters.

Note 20: In today’s Dumbfuck News, Donald Trump is suing the New York attorney general… in Florida. More: HuffPost

Note 21: Alrighty, SPs, to the news section! How are y’all holding up? Are you ready to make them hear you? Goddamn right. Well we love you and hope you have a blessed day.

But his emails

So John Eastman’s emails make a few things clear — 1. Eastman is both a traitor and a fucking moron. 2. Eastman knew Trump was breaking the law and hilariously wrote that in an email. And 3. They were banking on Clarence Thomas to be the justice who would help them with their bullsit. Yes, the same Clarence Thomas whose wife was a part of the insurrection and the same Clarence Thomas who has refused to recuse from every case involving Jan. 6. What a totally functional and aboveboard Supreme Court we have.

More: CNN

Fuck the Fed

As you probably know, the Trump-appointed Fed chair yesterday once again raised interest rates as he hustles to put Americans out of work so inflation will ease. Yes, our economy is so royally fucked up that these fuckers openly talk about hurting people so they can tame inflation. What’s oddly always left out of this conversation is record profits enjoyed by asshole companies like Exxon. What a fucking disaster.

More: CNBC

Listen to him!

Last night, President Biden warned Americans that Republicans are scary people who are trying to end our democracy with lies and violence. He lamented the attack on Paul Pelosi and drew a straight line between that heinous attack and the one on Jan. 6. The White House press corps responded with a yawn and Republicans responded by accusing Biden of being divisive. Fuck ‘em. It was an important speech, and Americans needed to hear that it will take some time to count the votes.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade offered an astonishing dismissal on Thursday of the apparently politically-motivated attack on Paul Pelosi, whose attacker allegedly asked “Where is Nancy” and aimed to take the House speaker hostage. More: HuffPost

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