Today's Big Stuff 11.3.21

11.3.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 370 days until the midterm elections. Holy cow there might actually be a deal on prescription drugs, kids can get shots and some silver linings from an ugly election night.

Be advised: We’re cussing and misspelling shet even more than usual today.

Note: Hey there, sexy patriots. How you holding up? Like you just got kicked in the naughty bits and then pushed down some stairs into a puddle of goat pee? Yeah, us too. Mind if we cuss about it for a second? Fuck shit motherfucker goddamnit shit! Like it’s never a good day when you remember that racism, fear and anger are actually really effective tools for winning elections in America. It sucks to see a national press corps that hasn’t learned a damn thing, a Republican party that feels vindicated and emboldened after trying to violently overthrow the government earlier this year and an electorate that apparently doesn’t give a shit about the looming death of democracy. But other than that, it wasn’t bad for a Tuesday.

So now what? Well, we dust ourselves off, splash some water or kerosene on our faces and we get our hot asses back to work. If you need a day or two to question everything you know about America and humanity, we totally get it. We’ll hold your spot for you, and when you’re ready to get back to it, we’ll be here. But goddamnit it’s ok to be mad as hell right now. And more than a little confused. But the anger is more useful than the confusion.

Keep your heads up, sexy patriots. We live in a world where the sky is green and the grass is blue, and you’re doing the best you can. Let’s just remember how this feels so we do everything we can to avoid feeling this way next November. Stay mad. Stay motivated. Stay safe. Stay sexy.

Note two: Remember in the movie Singles when Cliff (Matt Dillon) was like “we are loved in Belgium and in Italy?” Well, we did well in New Hampshire last night. So there’s that.

Note three: It looks like we’re going to win in New Jersey despite a way closer race there than any of us expected. So yay.

Note four: What follows below was going to be the opening note before we decided to swap it out for a pep talk. This might be a horrible misstep, and we’re really sorry if that’s the case. We promise we’re just trying to make you laugh after a shitty night...

...So we have some news here, and we’re not real sure how to tell you this. You know how those lunatic losers gathered in Dallas yesterday for the return of JFK Jr.? Well obviously that seemed pretty goshdarn silly, but, um, well, we actually did see JFK Jr. come back. Yeah, we know it sounds nuts and we’re looking fine as hell but hear us out. The late president’s late son who tragically died in 1999 was reincarnated as a neon green fanny pack, and after we accidentally picked him up at a yard sale, he was kind enough to sit with us for an interview. What follows is a transcript of that interview edited lightly for space constraints and because it’s totally made up.

TBS: Wow. So you’re a fanny pack now?

JFK Jr.: Yeah, weird right? But I like being useful and helpful, and this new form really lends itself to that. Reincarnation is a beautiful thing.

TBS: And you’re neon green.

JFK Jr.: Yeah, well, I guess I always did stand out in a crowd.

TBS: You sure did. And you still do. Talk about a sexy patriot. So we wanted to ask you if you’ve actually been faking your tragic death that devastated us 22 years ago?

JFK Jr.: What?

TBS: Yeah, well you know, these people who call themselves QAnon say you’re alive and faked your own death and you’re gonna show yourself basically any day now.

JFK Jr.: That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

TBS: Oh wow really?

JFK Jr.: I honestly can’t imagine how fucking dumb a person would have to be to believe some shit like that. I’m a talking fanny pack, and I’m smarter than that shit.

TBS: Ok, well that’s good to know. By the way, what is inside of you?

JFK Jr.: Hope. And skittles.

TBS: Amazing. Two of our favorite things. Well, we hope you have an awesome afterlife, and we’re sure sorry a bunch of pathetic assholes are trying to shit on your memory and all.

JFK Jr.: Thanks! And don’t forget to wear a fanny pack!

So there you have it, folks. Fanny Pack John-John says Q is full of shit. More: The Daily Beast

Note five: Seriously, please don’t hate us.

Note six: Sure looks like Trump fucked himself on executive privilege by paying for the insurrection as a campaign expense. More: The Washington Post

Note seven: Fwiw, Biden had a pretty good trip overseas. Of course there was no Joe Manchin there to fuck things up for him. More: Associated Press

Note eight: So we don’t want to make that puddle of goat pee bigger or smellier, but the Supreme Court is hearing arguments in a gun case today. More: Bloomberg

Note nine: The joke is gonna be on Facebook when the planet they rule is no longer inhabitable. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Wow. This is actually wonderful environmental news. We were caught off-guard by it. More: Washington Post

Note 11: Tucker Carlson is very angry that Trump isn’t sending money to the terrorist scum who attacked our Capitol. The rest of the Beltway media are just pretending they can’t see this. More: Mediaite

Note 12: This is important stuff, and we’re damn glad to see the Biden administration taking it on. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Despite Manchin’s theatrics this week, Biden still says he can get him on board. Of course Biden said in the same press conference that we were going to win Virginia, so you know, let’s hope he’s one for two. More: CNN

Note 14: We mentioned the embarrassing scandalous shit that the NYT’s Jeremy Peters pulled the other day. Well here’s what we were talking about. More: Press Watchers

Note 15: So this is one to read — Democrats aren’t convincing non-Democrats that Republicans are threatening democracy. That’s true. And we damn well better fix it fast. More: Washington Post

Note 16: LOLOL. Santorum got a job at Newsmax! What a fucking loser! More: The Daily Beast

Note 17: So seriously, folks, let this be a wake-up call. Because if they can win there, they can win anywhere. More: Washington Post

Note 18: If you want to know where to help, take a look at these Senate races where the ratings were changed last night. More: Center for Politics

Note 19: Ok, we’re done crying in our cheerios. Time to get up and get back to it. These fuckers are relentless so we have to be too. We love you, you sexy patriots. We’re damn grateful to you for everything you did to try and win these races, and we hope you’re keeping your head up today. Love y’all!

Good news?

It’s hard to believe given the horrendous headlines we woke up to, but it seems like Democrats might actually have a deal on prescription drug prices. According to Schumer, both Sinema and Menendez — two corrupt assholes who work for the drug companies — have signed off on it. It doesn’t go as far as we all want, but it would be a big damn deal. More: Washington Post

Yay! Shots!

Wait — more good news? Yep, we’re just full of it today. The CDC yesterday signed off on the COVID vaccine for kids ages 5 to 11. That means the kiddos can start getting their shots today. We need to whoop this pandemic if we’re going to have a chance at saving democracy. This is a big step in that direction. More: Washington Post

Silver linings

We swear we weren’t up early snorting crushed up prozac. We just think y’all should know about the good results from last night too. As we mentioned, we did great in N.H. and we pulled it off in N.J. But did you know Pittsburgh elected its first Black mayor? Or that Michelle Wu became the first woman and person of color to become mayor of Boston? Or that Alvin Bragg became Manhattan’s first Black DA? We lost some important races last night. But we won some too. Let’s build on that. More: Post-Gazette, NPR, NPR II

Today’s clips

The Department of Homeland Security has rescinded a Trump-era policy limiting entry of undocumented immigrants at legal ports of entry and released new guidance on the process, according to a recently-released memo. More: CNN

A bipartisan group of 66 former members of Congress filed a brief Thursday night urging the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia to dismiss a lawsuit from former president Donald Trump that seeks to block the release of records connected to the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol by a mob of his supporters. More: Washington Post

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