Today's Big Stuff 11.30.22

11.30.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 706 days until the presidential election. Some traitors get convicted for attacking the US, the Senate moves to protect families and more awesome economic news courtesy of Dark Brandon. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We caught it smoking once too.

Note: SPs! Happy humping Hump Day! We’re halfway through the week, and America is kicking some serious ass. Yesterday even caught us doing the USA-USA-USA chant twice. First, we went nuts over this… 

And then we went nuts over this…

WOO-FUCKING-HOO, Y’ALL!!!!!!! We don’t know about you Sexy Patriots, but we’ve kinda got national whiplash these days. It wasn’t that long ago that we were pretty fucking worried that democracy was toast, dumbshits were gonna wreck everything and America was a hazy memory. But like Dark Brandon says, don’t you ever fucking bet against the United motherfucking States. Ok fine, he doesn’t say it exactly like that, but we know that’s what he means.

We’ve got a lot to celebrate these days. We’ve still got a lot of genuinely fucked up shit to worry about too, but we have A LOT to celebrate. Thanks to you, the rumors of this great country’s death have been greatly exaggerated. 

Note two: You know what’s on our minds? Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. And that’s more than Herschel Walker can say because that dumb sonofabitch seems to live in Texas, Texas, Texas. More: CNN

Note three: We’re embarrassed to say we don’t know the details of what’s going down with the railworkers, but we’re Americans so we won’t let that stop us from having a loud opinion about it — THEY WORK THEIR FUCKING ASSES OFF GIVE THEM PAID SICK LEAVE. More: KansasCity.com

Note four: Behind closed doors last night, House Democrats came up with a new title for Nancy Pelosi — Speaker Emerita. We freaking love it. We hear she’ll be keeping her other title of She Who Is Not To Be Fucked With. More: Market Watch

Note five: Once again, a high-ranking Republican said that his party wants to hold the economy hostage to force cuts to social security and medicare. So they’re basically planning to do exactly what the fuck Democrats have been warning they’ll do. More: Bloomberg

Note six: What do you get when you cross a turtle with a chickenshit? This sorry motherfucker.

Note seven: Stephen Miller testified in front of the Jan. 6 grand jury yesterday. We don’t know what he said, but we know he was an evil piece of shit when he was saying it. More: CNN

Note eight: Speaker Pelosi lit the congressional Christmas tree yesterday. In an act of protest, Republicans stuck their heads up their own asses so as not to see the pretty lights. More: USA Today

Note nine: You know those two irredeemable poopstains Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman? Well we were laughing that they were finally convicted of some of the awful shit they were doing, but sentencing to registering voters in D.C. just seems like a shitty thing to do to the people of D.C. More: Cleveland.com

Note 10: This shit is so cool.

Note 11: The former head of trust and safety at twitter says twitter is not safer under Elon Musk. As the current heads of no fucking and shit we’d like to say no fucking shit. More: Reuters

Note 12: The Supreme Court of South Carolina says that Mark Meadows has to testify in Georgia. It’s a good thing, but we wish they’d taken our suggestion to just lock his sorry ass up. More: CNN

Note 13: Yesterday Kevin McCarthy said Trump condemned his nazi thanksgiving buddy four times. That is a goddamn lie told by a goddamn liar. More: CNN

Note 14: Yesterday someone told us that TBS has “way too much distracting stuff like ‘sexy patriots’ and cursing.” They also said we were juvenile. So we called them poopieheads and then told their sexy asses to go to hell.

Note 15: No matter what, you are on the opposite side of things that this assfaced assface. 

Note 16: So yesterday we said that more than 200,000 people had voted in Georgia on Monday. We were wrong. It was more than 300,000. Keep going, Sexy Peach State Patriots!

Note 17: LOL. There are new campaign rules around Trump to keep him from “accidentally” meeting with nazis. We’re eager to see how they’re gonna keep him away from himself. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Well this is just fucking hilarious.

Note 19: Welcome to America, French President Macron. Since we remember your dinner with Trump at the Eiffel Tower and how many times you fell for Putin’s bullshit, you sure as hell wouldn’t have been our first choice. But you are Dark Brandon’s guest, so we’ll be nice. More: CNN

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s go do some news. We hope this week is treating you like the super awesome superstar that you are. And if ain’t, we hope that shit turns around real fast. Have a great day!

SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY

We put it in all caps because HOLY FUCKING SHIT that’s a big goddamn deal. Yeah, a couple of them Oathkeepers were convicted for seditious conspiracy and obstructing an act of Congress for their attack on the United States of America on Jan. 6, 2021. Congratulations to the prosecutors who won these crucial verdicts, and congratulations to the miserable dirtbags who attacked America on going to prison. Now let’s do the orange motherfucker who sent them. More: Huff Post

Proud

That’s how we felt yesterday watching the United States Senate vote to codify protections for gay and interracial marriages. They voted to protect American families. The House will pass it. Joe Biden will sign it. And America will be better off for it. Also, we’d like to invite the 36 Republican bigots who voted against this to kiss our asses, eat all the shit and fuck themselves into oblivion. More: Huff Post

On a roll!

What does Dark Brandon have for us today? More good economic news? Oh the press is gonna be so pissed. The US economy grew more than expected in the third quarter with GDP up 2.9 percent, which is higher than the 2.6 initial report in October. The Fed has done everything it can to hurt working people, but they are no match for DB. More: CNN

Today’s clips

The House select committee investigating the January 6, 2021, insurrection asked Kellyanne Conway, who served in the White House as a senior adviser to then-President Donald Trump, about her conversations with Trump after his election loss in an interview that lasted roughly five hours on Monday, two sources familiar with the committee’s work told CNN. More: CNN

Days after rare dual volcanic eruptions in Hawaii, officials are urging people not to park vehicles along a key highway because lava is flowing nearby. More: CNN

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