Today's Big Stuff 11.29.22

11.29.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 707 days until the presidential election. Some Arizona asshats are getting sued, Democrats are about to protect marriage and Dark Brandon is ready to talk lame duck.

Be advised: This is a cussing letter. But at night it puts on a silly costume and fights crime.

Note: Well howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in the world are you today? Awesome! We’re pretty fucking great too. For lots of reasons. For one, we’re sexy and patriotic as can be. For two, we’re back in the saddle for a good break. And for three, we just found out that the RNC is turning to Blake Masters to find out what went wrong with the last election. Excuse us while we LOLOLOLOL. If you’ve forgotten who Masters is, well, that makes sense. But here’s an unsettling reminder.

Yikes! Seriously, was John Wayne Gacy not available to advise the RNC? Oh right. Anyway, we got a brief not real interview with Masters to talk about how he’ll be helping Republicans win more elections.

TBS: Why are you cleaning a gun?

BM: It’s how I stop myself from masturbating while thinking about Trump owning the libs.

TBS: What broke your brain?

BM: Fox and Peter Thiel. And bath salts.

TBS: So what are you going to tell the RNC?

BM: We’ve gotta be way more racist and way more creepy.

TBS: You are already really fucking racist and really fucking creepy.

BM: Oh I know. But it’s not enough for people to know we hate Black and Brown people. They need to know we hate ourselves, America and puppies too. 

TBS: Well, we’ve already forgotten about you, so we hope you eat shit and fuck off.

BM: Thanks! That’s exactly what Trump said after the election.

Well there you have it — Republicans aren’t planning to learn or change a goddamn thing. Also, Masters’s initials could stand for bowel movement. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: So we’re gonna be annoying dicks about this but have you gotten your new booster yet? How about your flu shot? We need your sexy patriotic ass here, so do what you can to protect yourself. 

Note three: We’re gonna talk about this more in the news section, but GEORGIA GEORGIA GEORGIA. Let’s fucking do this.

Note four: So we haven’t been great about covering this story, but it seems pretty clear that Sam Alito leaked the Hobby Lobby decision to a right-wing nutjob ally before it came out. Well Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse and Rep. Hank Johnson have been demanding answers. Yesterday the court’s top lawyer says he asked Alito about it and Alito said he didn’t do nuthin’ wrong. That settles it then, right? Yeah, we didn’t fucking think so. More: Huff Post

Note five: Remember how Saudi Arabia and Fox tried to fuck Americans with high gas prices so they could win an election?

Note six: To those protesting in Iran and China, we see you. We wish you had your own TBS to help you cuss at those keeping you down. Actually, if we’re wishing for shit, we wish you had basic human rights and dignity. You have our love and support and cuss words.

Note seven: IT’S GAMEDAY!!! Today the US is taking on Iran in the World Cup and the press over there have made this a game with serious geopolitical consequences. We don’t know if that’s accurate, but we do know the US needs a win to advance. Let’s fucking go! More: Yahoo News

Note eight: Wow. Pence said Trump should apologize for having dinner with nazis. He didn’t even say that when Trump tried to murder him and his whole family. More: Huff Post

Note nine: You want to see something sadlarious? This is the motherfucker House Republicans are basing their investigation on as they go after the president's only surviving son. We’re almost excited to see this dude testify. More: Raw Story

Note 10: Kevin McCarthy is probably gonna be Speaker. But it’s gonna be close. And watching him go on Newsmax to beg is about the funniest fucking shit we can imagine.

Note 11: We were wrong. Former crack aficionado Mike Lindell says he is running to be RNC chairman and THAT is the funniest fucking shit we can imagine. More: MSNBC

Note 12: So are y’all already listening to Christmas music or it is too early? We used to say it’s too early, but after covid and everything, we say fuck it let’s get in that holiday spirit. 

Note 13: Trump lost in court again. He loses a lot. Like a lot a lot. More: Bloomberg

Note 14: Damnit. We lost a member of Congress yesterday. Rep. Don McEachin from Virginia passed away just after being reelected. Sending love to his family. More: CNN

Note 15: This is weird to say but we need to say a big thank you to Dave Matthews. That dude was out putting on concerts for big Democratic donors this year, and he didn’t stop after Election Day. Thanks, Dave!

Note 16: Speaking of Georgia, people there are voting like crazy! After Marc Elias and his crew fought off Republican attempts to limit early voting, more than 200,000 people have already voted in the Dec. 6 run-off. We don’t want to get cocky, but goddamn this is good to see. Let’s keep it up! More: ABC News

Note 17: The New York Times is reporting that Trump won’t be going to campaign with Herschel because he sucks and everyone hates him. They didn’t put it like that, but that’s what’s happening. More: NO LINK

Note 18: But you know who is campaigning in Georgia? A real president. Moe: WRDW

Note 19: Between that fucked up picture of Elon’s nightstand and that fucked up picture of Kanye at a Waffle House, we have to say we’re pretty glad not to be rich. It seems awful.

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, it’s news time! We hope your week is off to a great start. And remember, no matter what, don’t take advice from Blake Masters on anything. Love y’all!

Fucking idiots

So yesterday was the day for Arizona counties to certify their elections. And it totally went like clockwork. If the clock was infested with nazi dumbfuck mice. Yeah, so most of the counties did what they were supposed to. But Cochise County — we’re not making that up — is refusing. So both Katie Hobbs and Marc Elias are about to sue them to hell and back. Why can’t everyone stop being so fucking stupid for like five minutes? More: CNN

Hell yeah

So yesterday, after holding open the vote way longer than they should have needed to, Democrats overcame the filibuster to get on the bill to protect marriage. That bill is expected to pass today. Then it will pass the House. Then Joe Biden will sign it. This is a big fucking deal, and more proof that Democrats can’t stop won’t stop delivering for the American people. This shit protects American families, and we are goddamn glad to see it. More: CNN

Meeting today

Dark Brandon has invited congressional leaders to the White House today to talk about what’s next. If McConnell and McCarthy are smart, they’ll shut the fuck up and listen. After all, Dark Brandon has delivered more for Americans than any president since FDR. And all McConnell and McCarthy have delivered are smooches to Trump’s orange ass. Let’s make this lame-duck count Democrats, and then let’s keep these evil fuckers on their heels. More: The Hill

Today’s clips

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-N.C.) caught flak online Monday after he tried to blame Donald Trump’s staff for allowing the former president to host a high-profile white supremacist for dinner. More: Huff Post

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