Today's Big Stuff 11.29.21

11.29.21

It’s Monday. There are 344 days until the midterm elections. Biden addresses the nation about a new variant, Texas will not be alright alright alright and Fauci takes on Ted Cruz.

Be advised: We’re feeling a little rusty today, so the cussing and spelling might be more focked up than usual. 

Note: And we’re back! How in the effing hell are you, sexy patriots?!!!! We missed y’all!!! And if you missed us, then you’re in luck. Because after all the eating we did these last several days, there is definitely more of us to love. And frankly, we need the love because we did not take the omicron news well.

In fact, we’re sending this newsletter from the empty field where we’ve gone to wait for death after selling all our worldly possessions and telling our families goodbye. What can we say? We might have overreacted. They said “new variant,” and we immediately shaved our heads and began begging the good lord Slash to go ahead and take us. Adam is currently doing a dance that is supposed to bring on the Mayan apocalypse, and Sam has just been alternating between sobbing and laughing hysterically while using a sharpie to make crude drawings on his leg.

Now we know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re too good-looking to be acting like this, and also you’re vaccinated and boosted and we don’t actually know shit about this new variant so maybe you should just chill the fuck out. Well, you’re right on all counts. And next variant, we promise to act more responsibly than our national news media. Of course maybe the next variant won’t have a name that sounds like Darth Vader Freddy Krueger Fuck You disease. But for today, we’re just gonna hang out in this field a little longer if for no other reason than to watch Adam’s end-of-the-world-dance. It’s surprisingly sensual, and the dude has got some moves. 

Note two: We just don’t know how y’all managed these last few days without some righteous gibberish like that to chew on, but we sure are glad to be back. Just one programming note — we’re still dealing with holiday travel, so tomorrow’s TBS is either gonna be really early or really late. We apologize for the uncertainty, but you’re Americans so you’re used to it by now. 

Note three: So there are two Trump stories we’re going to ignore. The first is him challenging literally anyone to a debate over the 2020 election results. Ok, um, no problem. And the second is Politico sporting wood over the Trumpian 2024 veepstakes. We get that the Beltway media misses Trump so much that they cry themselves to sleep at night, but that doesn’t mean we have to indulge that shit.

Note four: Wanna see something really uncool that will largely be absent from coverage of next year’s elections? Of course you do. It’s a story about how Republicans are incentivizing dumbfucks to not get the vaccine. Bet y’all a cool grand you never hear a mention of this on Meet the Press. Hey, Republican dickheads, please stop trying to kill people and prolong a deadly pandemic. More: Axios

Note five: Goddamn this booming economy. When will Joe Biden stop doing so much to help people? Ugh. More: CNN, CBS News

Note six: One of the big news stories today is that Jack Dorsey is out as CEO of Twitter. We don’t know what this means, but we’re frightened. Someone please hold us.

Note seven: RIP to Lee Elder, the first Black man to compete at the Masters golf tournament. More: CNN

Note eight: Remember all that ridiculous Chris Christie coverage? It didn’t help him sell many books. Does Dana Bash still get her cut? More: Press Run

Note nine: Webster’s Dictionary says “vaccine” is the word of 2021. Had it been up to us, we would’ve gone with “holy fucking shit” for the fifth year in a row. More: CBS News

Note 10: RIP Stephen Sondheim. Big loss over the holiday break. More: New York Times

Note 11: Don’t forget that a corrupt Supreme Court will hear a direct challenge to Roe from Mississippi this week. Chuck Todd and Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves already chest-bumped about it, so we’re expecting the worst. More: Vox

Note 12: Two real things to consider — Trump is going to run again, and the news media hasn’t learned a fucking thing. More: Washington Post

Note 13: If you keep up with all the Qanon Mike Flynn pathetic weirdness, then this has been a busy few days for you. If you don’t, read this instead. More: Vice

Note 14: We were away last week when those murderous racist pieces of shit were convicted for killing Ahmaud Arbery. We were happy to see it. Or as happy as you can be in a horrific fucked up situation like that. More: Washington Post, Associated Press

Note 15: Want to freak out about the future of American democracy? Like more than you already are? Well read this. More: New York Times

Note 16: RIP to genius Virgil Abloh. We are not cool enough to have been big fans, but we’re fans of people who were. More: GQ

Note 17: It was damn cool to see the Second Family celebrating Hanukkah last night. And we want to wish a Happy Hanukkah to everyone as well! More: CNN

Note 18: In case anyone needs a reminder, no, it was definitely not a hoax. More: The Atlantic

Note 19: Jared Kushner, who helped cover up the Saudi-led murder of an American resident journalist, is raising money from the Middle East for his new investment fund. Why did Chelsea Clinton let him get away with this?! More: New York Times

Note 20: If this is the premise for the next Toy Story movie, we’re in. This also might be why Sam has been sobbing so much. More: CNN

Note 21: Did y’all see DOCTOR Biden’s holiday decorations at the White House? We’re not interior decorators, but we think it was a good move to get rid of all of Melania’s blood fantasies. 

Note 22: Ok, sexy patriots, let’s get to the news. We sure are glad to be back with y’all. We were worried that over the break everything would stop being dumb and terrifying and we wouldn’t have anything to make fun of and nervously laugh at. Guess we didn’t have anything to worry about. We love y’all, and we hope you have a great week. 

Omicronotagain

Well, we already discussed the major weekend freak-out over a new variant. Today, President Biden is going to do the same. He’ll probably leave out the shit about standing in the middle of a field naked waiting to die. Fuck. We didn’t mention the naked part, did we? Anyway, we don’t know what he’s going to say, but, um, we know what he’s going to say — it will take a couple of weeks before we know what this means, travel bans are necessary (maybe) and get your happy ass vaccinated because that’s how we stop this shit. Rinse repeat. Pfizer and Moderna both said this weekend that if the new variant can get around their vaccines, then they can have new vaccines really fucking fast. So do your best not to worry about this shit until we know how worried we should be. Easy, right? More: Bloomberg, Axios, CNBC

Matthew McConnanope

Well, if you want to see Matthew McConaughey (that name is surprisingly difficult to spell), you’re gonna have to do what we do every Valentine’s Day and fly to Austin and rent “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” The actor who for some reason was thinking about running for governor has decided not to take the plunge. We’re hoping this clears the way for Dallas Buyers Fight Club. Or we would totally watch a sequel to Interstellar. Or maybe our focus here should be on Beto, a real candidate who would make Texas better and not confuse the fuck out of all of us with weird commercials for Lincolns. More: Bloomberg

Go Fauci

On Face the Nation, Republican Margaret Brennan was happy to bring up right-wing lunacy and ask Dr. Fauci about Ted Cruz saying Fauci should be investigated and prosecuted. Fauci, badass that he is, responded by laughing and bringing up Cruz’s role in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. We’re glad to see Fauci pushing back on stupid shit, but the sad reality is he has to take on Ted Cruz because Senate Democrats are too weak and afraid to do it for him. Yo, Washington Democrats, you’re running out of time to get tough. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

Oil and gas companies should pay more to drill on federal lands and waters, the Department of the Interior argued in a report released Friday, saying that the current rates were "outdated." More: Axios

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky says a group of Ukrainians and Russians is planning to carry out a coup against him next week. More: CNN

Yet Rittenhouse, who argued he was acting in self defense when he fatally shot two people during protests last year in Kenosha, Wisconsin, has emerged as a symbolic figure for the pro-Trump right wing as the former president considers running again and wields power by issuing endorsements in various Republican primary races. More: CNBC