Today's Big Stuff 11.24.21

November 24, 2021

11.24.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 349 days until the midterm elections. Some really great economic news for Biden and America, Jan. 6 organizers were using burner phones to communicate with the White House and murderers get together and hang out at Mar-a-Lago.

Be advised: We cuss a lot and spell a lot of stuff wrong. Have a Happy fucking Thonksgiving!

Note: Good day to you, sexy patriots! Your sexiness is exceeded only by your patriotism, and we sure wish we knew your secret. Welp, today is the last TBS of this short holiday week, and we wanted to drop some knowledge on you. And that’s way better than dropping some turkeys out of a helicopter on you:) More: You Tube

First, we wanted to offer a little more guidance for those of you who have to brave Red Hat Land and dumbfuck Trump-loving relatives this holiday. So today we’re teaching you how to make dumbfuck camouflage. Ok so you’re gonna want to grease up your head. Yes, grease up your head. We like crisco for this because it reminds us of when we greased up our heads as kids for Arbor Day. What? Y’all didn’t do that? Seriously? You shittin us? Huh. Anyway, go ahead and get your head Arbor Day levels of greased, which apparently means nothing to you non-arbor-greasers, and make sure you hit the ears hard. Next, take your Turkey and hold it above your greased head and spread its legs as wide as you can. Then you just jam that motherfucker right down on your head as hard as you can. The more force — and more grease — you use, the more smug the fit is gonna be. If you don’t have a turkey, just get a running start and fling yourself greased head first into a relative’s backside. Or do a flip off the table and land seated on your own head. The most important part is you’re gonna want to have your head up something’s ass. Everything will smell like shit, and you’ll look like a complete fucking moron. They’ll definitely think you’re one of them. 

Second, we wanted to ask a favor. We’ve decided we want to try and grow this little newsletter as big as we can because we think there are more sexy patriots out there who could benefit from some laughs and some cussin’. But we need your help. So you know that one relative who is a little off like you are? Maybe someone described as having a twisted sense of humor? Maybe someone described as a black sheep? Someone described as a disappointment? Oof, ok so that last one might just apply to us. Anyway, tell that special someone about this great fucked up newsletter you found and tell them to sign the hell up. But only if you’re sure they’re as cool as you are. We don’t want this shit falling into the wrong hands. 

And lastly, we just want to tell you how thankful we are for you. You’ve helped us grow this newsletter from an audience of six to an army of about 90,000 of the sexiest goddamn patriots you’d ever wanna meet. But more than that, you have inspired us every single day for the past few years. Even on days when inspiration seemed well out of grasp. It’s a pretty good deal really. We bring the cuss words and y’all bring the hope. We sure as hell appreciate it. And we sure as hell love y’all. Thank you for the hope and the hang. We love y’all! 

Note two: Y’all really didn’t use to grease up your heads for Arbor Day? Man, we gotta make some phone calls.

Note three: Is there any better genre of story out there than the Nazis-are-still-getting-their-asses-kicked genre? Yeah, we don’t think so either. More: Associated Press

Note four: This is a tearjerker, but it also fits that fuck-the-Nazis genre. More: Washington Post

Note five: This should be in the news section because it’s big news. The White House has nominated a new OMB director. Let’s hope Joe Manchin doesn’t attack her for the mean tweets he was too scared to attack Trump for like he did with Neera Tanden. God, Manchin sucks so bad. More: Washington Post

Note six: There are still so many people and corporations who need to pay for America’s opioid crisis. But this is a start. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Anyone else really gonna miss knowing Angela Merkel was at the helm in Germany? More: CNN

Note eight: Here’s the landscape of the GOP Pennsylvania Senate race now that one of Trump’s abusive monsters has dropped out. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note nine: Here’s WaPo’s Dana Milbank on how we can be thankful for the sanity Biden is bringing to this Thanksgiving. More: Washington Post

Note 10: We have not decided if this is hilarious or horrifying. Or maybe both. More: The Hill

Note 11: Thanks to Eric Boehlert for calling out the absolute bullshit coverage Vice President Harris is having to endure. More: Press Run

Note 12: It’s cool that we’re looking out for Taiwan. We should think about doing the same for Texas. More: Bloomberg

Note 13: Gosh, who could’ve guessed that those New York cops who don’t want to get vaccinated might have some other disciplinary issues? More: Miami Herald

Note 14: You can tell America has gotten more compassionate in the way we talk about addiction because reporters aren’t constantly asking this fucking moron if he’s smoking crack again. Well that and he’s a rich white guy and they don’t get asked uncomfortable questions. More: The Daily Beast

Note 15: The Jan. 6 committee sent subpoenas to the Proud Boys. You just know every last one of them was served to their mamas’ houses. More: TPM

Note 16: Good for Target for letting their people have the holiday off. We were probably gonna spend some money there Friday anyway, but now we’re definitely gonna. More: NBC News

Note 17: Bret Baier sounds kinda like Susan Collins. But even Susan doesn’t sound this weak and pathetic. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 18: Lauren Boebert challenged Madison Cawthorn to a sprint to decide who gets to offer an internship to Kyle Rittenhouse. We have no further comment.

Note 19: The Joint Committee on Taxation did an oopsie when it came to estimating what Biden’s BBB bill would do for rich people. How the fuck have there been so many of these oopsies? More: NBC News

Note 20: Ok, you sexiest of sexy patriots, it’s news time! We sure hope y’all get some time to enjoy your friends and family and hopefully a little peace and quiet these next few days. We’ll be back here Monday. In the meantime, stay sexy. 

Woohoo!

While Washington reporters are locked in to the idea that the economy sucks because their orange god king isn’t around to help them sell books and call them morons, Joe Biden is actually overseeing quite the boom. This morning we got the great news that weekly claims for unemployment benefits are down to 199,000. Folks, that’s not just a pre-pandemic low. That’s the lowest since November 1969! (Nice) Keep up the great work, Mr. President! More: CNBC

Burner burned

So y’all know we are really confused by Rolling Stone. First they did that hit piece on our friends at Meidas Touch, and then they let Megan McCain be interviewed by her best friend for a puff piece. But this shit they’re doing lately is explosive. Their latest is a source saying that the Jan. 6 organizers were using burner phones to communicate with the White House and the Trump family. Gosh, why would all these rich assholes need burner phones? Probably to call each other and talk about how innocent they all are. More: Rolling Stone

Gross

So y’all know we said we didn’t want to talk about Kyle Rittenhouse anymore? Well, the goddamn Republican Party won’t let us. The Cabbage Patch Killer flew down to Mar-a-Lago to compare notes on killing people with the master — Donald J. Trump. They smiled for one of those weird fucked up thumbs up pictures, and then they went back to paying for sex. It’s all so fucking gross. But we like to think things got off to a bad start when Trump walked in the room and started screaming at aides “WHY THE FUCK IS CHRIS CHRISTIE HERE?!” More: Rolling Stone

Today’s clips

Democrats got a hopeful sign from the Senate rules referee Tuesday in their effort to include provisions for undocumented immigrants in the $1.75 trillion "human" infrastructure bill they hope to pass through the partisan reconciliation process. More: Axios

The Republican National Committee is pushing back against a state party leader’s call for Ronna McDaniel to resign as RNC chairwoman over her outreach to the LGBTQ community. More: Washington Post

Lawmakers, local reporters and journalism advocates are sounding the alarm over a takeover attempt of local newspaper group Lee Enterprises by Alden Global Capital, a hedge fund known for cutting journalists at local papers to maximize profits. More: Axios

Despite mounting concerns about discriminatory policing, the Trump administration aggressively recruited local law enforcement partners and courted sheriffs who championed similar views on immigration policy, according to dozens of internal ICE emails obtained by The Post. More: Washington Post

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Note three: Is there any better genre of story out there than the Nazis-are-still-getting-their-asses-kicked genre? Yeah, we don’t think so either. 

Note four: This is a tearjerker, but it also fits that fuck-the-Nazis genre.

Note five: This should be in the news section because it’s big news. The White House has nominated a new OMB director. Let’s hope Joe Manchin doesn’t attack her for the mean tweets he was too scared to attack Trump for like he did with Neera Tanden. God, Manchin sucks so bad.

Note six: There are still so many people and corporations who need to pay for America’s opioid crisis. But this is a start.

Note seven: Anyone else really gonna miss knowing Angela Merkel was at the helm in Germany?

Note eight: Here’s the landscape of the GOP Pennsylvania Senate race now that one of Trump’s abusive monsters has dropped out.

Note nine: Here’s WaPo’s Dana Milbank on how we can be thankful for the sanity Biden is bringing to this Thanksgiving.

Note 10: We have not decided if this is hilarious or horrifying. Or maybe both.

Note 11: Thanks to Eric Boehlert for calling out the absolute bullshit coverage Vice President Harris is having to endure. 

Note 12: It’s cool that we’re looking out for Taiwan. We should think about doing the same for Texas.

Note 13: Gosh, who could’ve guessed that those New York cops who don’t want to get vaccinated might have some other disciplinary issues?

https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article256038322.html

Note 14: You can tell America has gotten more compassionate in the way we talk about addiction because reporters aren’t constantly asking this fucking moron if he’s smoking crack again. Well that and he’s a rich white guy and they don’t get asked uncomfortable questions.

Note 15: The Jan. 6 committee sent subpoenas to the Proud Boys. You just know every last one of them was served to their mamas’ houses. 

Note 16: Good for Target for letting their people have the holiday off. We were probably gonna spend some money there Friday anyway, but now we’re definitely gonna.

Note 17: Bret Baier sounds kinda like Susan Collins. But even Susan doesn’t sound this weak and pathetic.

Note 18: Lauren Boebert challenged Madison Cawthorn to a sprint to decide who gets to offer an internship to Kyle Rittenhouse. We have no further comment.

Note 19: The Joint Committee on Taxation did an oopsie when it came to estimating what Biden’s BBB bill would do for rich people. How the fuck have there been so many of these oopsies?

Note 20: Ok, you sexiest of sexy patriots, it’s news time! We sure hope y’all get some time to enjoy your friends and family and hopefully a little peace and quiet these next few days. We’ll be back here Monday. In the meantime, stay sexy. 

Woohoo!

While Washington reporters are locked in to the idea that the economy sucks because their orange god king isn’t around to help them sell books and call them morons, Joe Biden is actually overseeing quite the boom. This morning we got the great news that weekly claims for unemployment benefits are down to 199,000. Folks, that’s not just a pre-pandemic low. That’s the lowest since November 1969! (Nice) Keep up the great work, Mr. President! 

Burner burned

So y’all know we are really confused by Rolling Stone. First they did that hit piece on our friends at Meidas Touch, and then they let Megan McCain be interviewed by her best friend for a puff piece. But this shit they’re doing lately is explosive. Their latest is a source saying that the Jan. 6 organizers were using burner phones to communicate with the White House and the Trump family. Gosh, why would all these rich assholes need burner phones? Probably to call each other and talk about how innocent they all are. 

Gross

So y’all know we said we didn’t want to talk about Kyle Rittenhouse anymore? Well, the goddamn Republican Party won’t let us. The Cabbage Patch Killer flew down to Mar-a-Lago to compare notes on killing people with the master — Donald J. Trump. They smiled for one of those weird fucked up thumbs up pictures, and then they went back to paying for sex. It’s all so fucking gross. But we like to think things got off to a bad start when Trump walked in the room and started screaming at aides “WHY THE FUCK IS CHRIS CHRISTIE HERE?!” 

Today’s clips

Democrats got a hopeful sign from the Senate rules referee Tuesday in their effort to include provisions for undocumented immigrants in the $1.75 trillion "human" infrastructure bill they hope to pass through the partisan reconciliation process.

The Republican National Committee is pushing back against a state party leader’s call for Ronna McDaniel to resign as RNC chairwoman over her outreach to the LGBTQ community.

Lawmakers, local reporters and journalism advocates are sounding the alarm over a takeover attempt of local newspaper group Lee Enterprises by Alden Global Capital, a hedge fund known for cutting journalists at local papers to maximize profits.

Despite mounting concerns about discriminatory policing, the Trump administration aggressively recruited local law enforcement partners and courted sheriffs who championed similar views on immigration policy, according to dozens of internal ICE emails obtained by The Post.