Today's Big Stuff 11.23.21

11.23.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 350 days until the midterm elections. Biden’s got the gas, some turds get some subpoenas and Trump is still taking GOP donors for a ride and it’s hilarious.

Be advised: We cuss and spell shit wrong even around the holidoys. 

Note: Well hello there, you sexy patriots! How the effing heck are you today? Well, you’re not in QAnon so you must be doing ok. Yeah, we’re getting right into it. Did you see those crazy fuckers yesterday? They gathered in Dallas at the spot where JFK was killed — you know, that horrifying national tragedy that the country is still trying to recover from decades later — and they waited for both the late president and his late son to come back from the dead. It didn’t happen. 

Now you might be thinking we’re about to devote some space to talking about how these poor dumb lost souls are crazier than shithouse rats. And we were gonna. But mostly we just feel sorry for them and we figure it’s only a matter of time before their crazy gets really dangerous and scary and not funny at all. Like if they attack our goddamn Capitol. 

And believe it or not, what they’re selling this week isn’t all that crazy. Sure it’s offensive and gross and insensitive to the Kennedy family. But what they want actually has happened before. We know we sound nuts, but have you ever heard the story of Millard Fillmore Jr.? Millard Fillmore Jr. was 

ugly as a mud fence and three times as dumb. And he actually did come back from the dead. It was the damndest thing. But nobody could stand the sonofabitch when he was alive the first time so when he came back everyone was like look Millard Junior is back and everyone else was like oh yeah who gives a flying fuck? And so MJ, as he called himself because nobody else would, just went away again. And that unlikeable motherfucker stayed gone and everyone just assumed he’d died again. And then damnit wouldn’t you know one day he popped up again. Still ugly as a mud fence and now five times as dumb, the only thing that asshole had changed was his name. Now he goes by Ted Cruz.

Note two: Long build-up to that joke, but we think it was worth it. We’re pretty sure there’s even a line from Field of Dreams in there.

Note three: Just as a programming reminder, we’ll be back in your inboxes tomorrow morning and then we’re out for the rest of the week. As always, if you need some extra cussing, shoot us a note and we’ll shoot you some cuss words.

Note four: Oh wow. This doesn’t look good for Kyrsten Sinema. That’s a shame. Guess maybe there are consequences for being corrupt and self-centered. More: The Hill

Note five: If you’re like us, then you’re smoking hot. Also, you probably think Texas can’t get any dumber or more corrupt. Well, you’d be wrong. About the second thing. More: Washington Post

Note six: We think it was last year that we introduced the concept of “news horny.” It’s the kind of news that ain’t just exciting. It’s REALLY exciting. Well we think this story about a judge forcing lying Trump lawyers to pay hefty fines for their lies certainly qualifies. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Some of these redrawn congressional maps are just fucking jokes. Let’s hope Marc Elias is Superman because we’re gonna need him to be. More: Washington Post, AJC

Note eight: Wait. Bezos gave President Obama $100 million to honor John Lewis? Wut? We honestly have no idea how to feel about this but it sure seems dumb as hell. Want to honor John Lewis, call the lawmakers you own and tell them to protect our fucking voting rights? More: Obama.org

Note nine: Oh yowzer. Want to see that asshole John Kennedy (not that one) get taken down a peg or two? More: Washington Post

Note 10: It ain’t even Thanksgiving yet and we know what we’re thankful for — this judge who said that Gore took his loss like a man and Trump didn’t. Just two quick clarifications — being whiny, delusional and dangerous sounds pretty manly to us and also Gore won. More: CNN, Raw Story

Note 11: Vaccine mandates, like the vaccines themselves, work. Y’all get boosted yet? More: CNN

Note 12: Want to read a really cool story that never would’ve happened during the Trump years? Thanks to HuffPo’s Jen Bendery for writing this one. More: Huff Post

Note 13: One of Trump’s scummiest endorsements dropped out yesterday after losing custody of his kids. Don’t worry. We’re sure they’ll somehow find someone worse. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note 14: With a headline that’s sure to piss some people off, our own Uncle Sam is back in the pages of LA Magazine asking “Is Dianne Feinstein going to die in the Senate?” More: LA Magazine

Note 15: Gosh, this horrifying story about an armed and violent insurrectionist sure seems to make Tucker Carlson and his ilk liars. But we knew that already. More: TPM

Note 16: Dear Democrats in Washington — we love you and we fight for you. Now please get your shit together on legalizing weed. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Speaking of Tucker and his ilk, it is our plan to never mention Kyle Rittenhouse ever again. Unless he kills again and then we’ll have to mention it. Otherwise, fuck that little shit. 

Note 18: If you’ve been praying for justice in Georgia, don’t stop now. 

Note 19: Ok, sexy patriots, we’re getting to the news early today. We love y’all, and we hope you’re loving yourself this week. Shit is fucked up as the kids say. So try to not get fucked up with it. Peace!

Tap that

President Biden is announcing today that he will direct the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to release 50 million barrels of oil to ease gas prices. Frankly we think this is the kind of thing you wait and do during the summer of an election year, but they must’ve decided they couldn’t wait anymore and they’re probably smarter than we are. Republicans are upset about this, but what else is new. Thanks for taking action, Joe! More: USA Today

Flush ‘em all

Alex Jones and Roger Stone were among the Trump scum who we found out yesterday are getting subpoenas. The question is does anyone care. Bannon got indicted and it didn’t scare anyone. Mark Meadows is still out there doing tv and shit. Let’s hope the Jan. 6 committee finds a way to get tougher and fast. More: NPR

LOLOL

We hate Donald Trump. And y’all know we hate Donald Trump. But goddamnit sometimes when we see him just straight up stealing from his dumbfuck voters, we kinda want to cheer him on. Yeah, the guy who tried to overthrow the government and thinks invisible planes are real has convinced the RNC to pay his legal bills. That means Republicans who give money to the committee to win elections will actually be helping their supposedly rich orange god pay his lawyers to keep his ample ass out of prison. And honestly, we can’t stop laughing about it. Fucking losers. LOL. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

​​Vice President Kamala Harris announced Monday that the Biden administration is investing $1.5 billion from the coronavirus aid package to address the health care worker shortage in underserved communities. More: Associated Press

The White House on Monday promoted what the Biden administration sees as the benefits for Latino families of the $1.7 trillion safety net and climate change package Democrats passed last week. More: NBC News

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