Today's Big Stuff 1.12.22

1.12.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 300(!!!) days until the midterm elections. Biden brings the fire in Georgia, inflation is up but now like the press is screaming and Trump runs screaming from the thugs at NPR. 

Be advised: We’re misspelling shit and cussing like it’s our goddamn jeb today. 

Note: It’s Hump Day, Sexy Patriots! You know what that means! What?! No, you pervs. It means it’s Wednesday and the week is halfway over. Goodness gracious. Good to know where your minds are today, you cheeky devils. Well, you’re in luck because today we’re talkin’ porn.

WHAT?! TBS, don’t do this, it’s gross and you’re so good looking. Well thank you and don’t worry. We’re not talking about that kind of porn. We’re talking about what we’re calling resistance porn. Or maybe blue porn? Prog porn? Lib porn? Or non-dumbfuck porn? We’ll keep working on it. But basically it’s anything that happens in politics that’s so righteous and just and necessary that it’s just hot as all hell and nothing short of porn to the people who care about American democracy and core American values. An example? We thought you’d never ask.

There are few things as hot as when someone good in public life says something to someone shitty in public life that you wish you could say or that just needs to be said. Remember how good it felt when Joe Biden told Trump to shut up? Well yesterday we got two of those. The first was Dr. Fauci taking Prince Randulous Shitweasel Paul to school and doling out a whoopin’ by calling out Rand for fundraising off his attacks on the good doctor. So of course Rand later went on Fox and said he wants Fauci brought up on charges. For what? Embarrassing Rand? Well then arrest that fucking hair too. But if you skip the Fox part at the end, the actual showdown was about as freaking steamy as it gets. It should’ve come with an NC-17 warning and kids should be hiding it under their mattresses. 

And it got even better.  They went and turned the hotness knob up to 11 when Dr. Fauci was heard talking about Kansas Sen. Roger Marshall on a hot mic and said, “What a moron. Jesus Christ.” Wooooooo! Yowzer! Hot mic is right! Talk about giving us the vapors! That shit is hot! Doc, we love you. We’re sorry you have to put up with all the fucking nutjobs and shitheads, especially when they’re both and in the United States Senate. But we sure do appreciate your efforts. Especially when they involve humiliating Republican senators. More: Washington Post

Note two: Try not to judge Rand Paul too harshly. His father was Ron Paul. And his mother was Ron Paul’s sister or some random satan goat. And he got his ass lit up by his neighbor. And he’s not that bright.  And you know what… fuck that guy. 

Note three: You want to hear something nuts? If this guy gets elected, the Rand Pauls of the Senate are gonna be the smart ones. More: The Daily Beast

Note four: Pay attention to what happens in Republicans get in. They’re already trying to turn Virginia into Alabama. More: Washington Post

Note five: The Supreme Court is a much, much bigger problem than most people seem to realize. More: Vox

Note six: It turns out that Snoop, Willie Nelson and Sam are all gonna be just fine in this COVID world. More: Bloomberg

Note seven: If you haven’t seen “Don’t Look Up,” it’s getting our full and total and complete endorsement. It’s like combining prozac and weed — you’re depressed but you’re laughing. More: MSNBC

Note eight: Lindsey Graham is cheering on Manchin and Sinema for blocking voting rights. If Lindsey Graham cheered us on for anything we’d stop doing that thing and then have to blow up the whole world just to get clean. More: Rolling Stone

Note nine: Please be safe out there, y’all. Get those boosters! More: Washington Post

Note 10: Ted Cruz got so embarrassed by Tucker Carlson that Ted is now back to working for the terrorists who attacked the Capitol. You know, the ones who said Cruz was “with us.” Now he’s pushing the idea that someone named Ray Epps was an FBI informant and started the whole thing. LOL. Nice try, scumbag. Next he’s gonna try to tell us his dad didn’t kill JFK. Well we’re not buying it. More: Business Insider, Associated Press

Note 11: Republican senators defended their buddy Mike Rounds after Trump called him a jerk. Wish Trump would call democracy a jerk and then maybe those fucking assholes would defend that too. More: CNN

Note 12: We agree with these Democrats. Anything on BBB is better than nothing at this point, but it’s probably safe to assume it’s deader than disco. Thanks, West Virginia! More: Huff Post

Note 13: DOJ formed a domestic terrorism department. Just now? They think Oklahoma City was a fluke? More: The Guardian

Note 14: Wow. Look at all the lives saved by vaccines. If you’re related to a fucking idiot, show them this. They won’t believe it, but show it to them anyway before they eat some livestock medicine and wash it down with their own piss. More: NBC News

Note 15: Kanye is going to hang out with Putin. Or he’s not. Honestly, why do we even care anymore? More: Rolling Stone

Note 16: Trump’s next campaign is going to be full on QAnon. So you know, like the last campaign. More: Mother Jones

Note 17: Speaking of Don’t Look Up, don’t look at the ocean levels. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Congratulations to new U.S. Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick! More: CNN

Note 19: Hey y’all, just remember that open enrollment for the ACA ends in three days. If you need health insurance, get on it. 

Note 20: OK, SPs, let’s get to the news! We love y’all and hope you have a wonderful day. Unless you’re Rand Paul. Then we hope your day sucks butt. 

Go Joe!

VP Harris and Joe Biden did what Democrats have been begging them to do for months — they turned up the heat on voting rights and called for reforming or eliminating the filibuster to protect them. So naturally we got a bunch of theater criticism (why the fuck do progressives watch Joe Scarborough who said this morning that Biden was “too aggressive?” Seriously. Do we hate ourselves that much?). Joe did what we wanted and needed him to do. Unfortunately, reality is a dumbfuck hillbilly named Joe Manchin and a corrupt desert dilettante named Kyrsten Sinema. So who knows what happens now that the White House is all in, but the usual obstacles remain. More: Axios

The sky is falling

Yeah, now we know CNN can get hysterical about shit and they just choose not to unless they think it will hurt a Democrat and show everyone how fair they are. The new consumer price index shows inflation is still a problem, but naturally CNN is hyping it up and making it seem worse than it is. They even had Manu Raju run right to Joe Manchin so he could talk about how terrible it is for Democratic proposals. The reports are all saying inflation is up 7 percent. Well that’s from this time last year. The reality is it’s up .5 percent from November to December, which is actually lower than it had been going up. Sigh. More: CNN

Run, Donald, Run!

Donald Trump is running… away from the scary tough guys at NPR. LOLOL. Trump tried to do a real interview outside of the Fox News bootlicks and it went so bad he hung up, ran away, peed himself and hid under the bed. Yeah, it probably won’t change any minds, but goddamn it’s nice to hear someone confront that deranged orange fuck with the actual goddamn truth. More: NPR, Washington Post

Today’s clips

The Biden administration on Wednesday announced new initiatives to provide an additional 10 million Covid-19 tests per month to schools and students in an effort to keep classrooms open. More: CNN

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