Today's Big Stuff 11.18.21

11.18.21

It’s Thursday. There are 355 days until the midterm elections. House Republicans are Paul Gosar, tonight could be the night for BBB and more good economic news.

Be advised: We’re cussing a lot today. Even for us. Probably spelled some shit wrong too, but that’s just how we da.

Note: Helllllllooooooo there, you sexy mf-ing patriots! How in the heck are you this fine day? Well that’s good. We’re pretty good too. We actually wanted to give y’all a heads up that we’re taking tomorrow off for some travel. We hope that’s cool. We promise to be back next week for a few days of cussing and laughing. But in the meantime, we wanted to go ahead and start helping y’all prepare for Thanksgiving during America’s second civil war. We know for some of y’all, the anxiety over being around your red-hatted dumbfuck kin is already bubbling. So here’s our first tip to getting through Thanksgiving with the Trump trash in your family.

So what are you gonna do about your unvaccinated Uncle Shitforbrains — it’s a family name. You’re sitting at the table and Uncle Shit, as the kids call him, is going on and on about how he doesn’t want to be microchipped and magnetized and how Fauci invented the vaccine to steal your uncle’s DNA. Like anybody would want that shit. So what do you do? Well, you get one of those plastic bags from your local store. It’s good to recycle those anyway. Normally we’d recommend something sustainable but you’re gonna want plastic for this job. Dirty plastic if you can find it. And what you do is you take that bag and you hold it under the table with one hand and you eat your delicious turkey with the other. And the second that dumb crazy motherfucker starts talking his red hat anti-vaxx shit you take that bag and you strike like a fucking rattlesnake ninja and you wrap that goddamn bag around his empty goddamn head. And you take the handles you tie a knot. It’s like the ultimate mask. And it ain’t like you gotta worry about causing brain damage.

Now obviously we’re joking because we’re not the dumbshit lunatic party that wants to see more violence, but you might keep a bag handy just to send a message. And if Uncle Shit starts talking about what a good boy Kyle Rittenhouse is, you can always put it over your own head for a nice little break.

Note two: Well that was just filled with all kinds of terrible advice. Sorry about that. We slept with a plastic bag over our heads.

Note three: Hey so our very own Uncle, Sam, has a new piece out in LA Magazine that we are going to shamelessly plug here. More: LA Mag

Note four: The Jan. 6 committee says it is still considering a contempt vote for Mark Meadows who is refusing to cooperate. The chairman said they’re in “no rush.” Um why the fuck not? More: Associated Press

Note five: If y’all pray, please say a prayer for Julius Jones. More: Washington Post

Note six: It is astonishing just how much corrupt shit Trumpland got away with. It’s like the end of Ocean’s 11 if Danny Ocean fucked his cousin. More: NBC News

Note seven: The QAnon goat horned dumbfuck shaman was sentenced to 41 months yesterday. The judge compared him to MLK Jr. That’s something that really happened. And now we’re looking for that plastic bag again. More: CNN

Note eight: The president asked the FTC to investigate what’s going on with gas prices because something sure smells funny and it’s more than just Chris Christie. More: New York Times

Note nine: Kristi Noem’s daughter has given up her real estate license. We’re pretty sure the Deep State made her do it. More: Alter Net

Note 10: Steve Bannon is pleading not guilty. Steve Bannon is very guilty. Of lots of shit. More: CNN

Note 11: Just a reminder that abortion is effectively illegal in Texas right now and has been for weeks. More: AP News

Note 12: Biden was in Detroit yesterday. The press might hate him for actually passing infrastructure, but at least he’s having a good time selling it. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Um, did y’all know about “Brown Friday?” Because we sure as hell didn’t and now it’s all we’re gonna be able to think about next week. Seriously this shit is gonna haunt our dreams. More: MLive

Note 14: RIP to Young Dolph. More: Variety

Note 15: We think y’all know how much we hate Trump. Like we think our cred is rock solid on that front. But goddamn we feel conflicted every time he tortures Mitch McConnell. We also can’t tell if the nicknames are getting worse or better. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 16: It is pretty terrifying how Republicans keep playing games and trying to politicize our military. More: Washington Post

Note 17: LOL. Trump is demanding that the Pulitzer Prize board take back the awards for Russia reporting. We’re demanding that the McRib be available year round. Bet ours has a better chance of actually happening. More: Law & Crime

Note 18: Matt Gaetz says he wants to hire Kyle Rittenhouse. Let’s all hope to hell that this time next year both these fuckers are asking for an extra helping of turkey loaf in a pen somewhere. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We’ve taken 14 showers since we saw that Lauren Boebert speech yesterday, and we still feel dirty.

Note 20: Ok, superstars, let’s get to the news. We are really sorry to be out of action tomorrow, and we hope we’re not letting y’all down. As always, if you need some extra cussing in your life, just shoot us a note and we’ll make it happen. Also, despite our fucked up jokes about murdering your uncle, the pandemic is not over and we want you to please be safe. Because we love y’all. Have a great day.

G(osar)OP

Paul Gosar posted a video of him killing AOC and President Biden. And yet Republicans stood on the House floor and defended him, they backed him as he stood in the well while the censure resolution was read and they showed us all one simple truth — they can’t censure Paul Gosar because they are all Paul Gosar. All in all, 207 Republicans voted to against censuring Gosar and removing him from his committee assignments. That is the mainstream of the Republican Party and not the “fringe” as Politico reported today. Thank you to Speaker Pelosi for doing what needed to be done. More: Washington Post, Washington Post

BBB?

So the Speaker and House Democrats are hopeful they might be able to vote on the second part of Biden’s legislative agenda as soon as tonight. Debate began this morning. The snag is that the CBO score might not be ready. We call it a snag but really it’s a fucking joke by some so-called centrists who want to appear fiscally responsible. Anyway, fingers crossed we get this out of the House. And then Joe Manchin can get in front of cameras and start tearing it to pieces. Sigh.

Yay!

Remember when we found out this week that the beancounters accidentally missed 626,000 jobs created this summer? Yeah, fuck them. Anyway, here’s some more good economic news. For the seventh straight week, the number of Americans asking for unemployment benefits fell. Last week saw a low for the pandemic of 268,000. We’re doing it, y’all. Despite the press and the Republican Party and a stubborn pandemic, we are digging this country out of the mess that gameshow host left us. Keep your heads up, sexy patriots. More: AP News

Today’s clips

The Biden administration is taking steps to help distribute several billion dollars in aid for winter heating and utility bills, an unprecedented sum that comes largely from its $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief package. More: AP News

The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee is launching a new, multimillion-dollar effort to engage and mobilize voters of color ahead of the midterm elections, including investments in local organizing and a seven-figure research and polling effort. More: NPR

Two of the three men convicted in the assassination of Malcolm X are set to be cleared Thursday after insisting on their innocence since the 1965 killing of one of the United States’ most formidable fighters for civil rights, their lawyers and Manhattan’s top prosecutor said Wednesday. More: AP News

At the center of the potential fight is Trump's false contention that the election was stolen, with the narrow victory for Joe Biden in Georgia as a central part of the tale. Despite Kemp's call for an audit that turned up no substantial change in the overall vote count, Trump continues to blame the governor for not contesting the results enough and has vowed to back a primary challenger. More: CNN

The Senate on Wednesday night cleared a key procedural hurdle to advance the annual defense policy bill. More: CNN