Today's Big Stuff 11.17.22

11.17.22

It’s Thursday. There are 719 days until the midterm elections. LA finally puts a woman in charge, the Senate moves to protect marriage for everyone and waiting for the Speaker to speak. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. A shitload of ‘em. 

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re getting close to a week’s rest, and if we’re honest about it, we could use the break. We’re starting to wonder if we might be losing our shit. For example, can other people see this stupid shit too or did we hallucinate it?

Um. Ok. Well can we make that any dumber? Yes, we can. Folks, we’ve got an interview with a vampire. Please meet Dracula Johnson, president of the Vampires Local 719.

TBS: Thanks for joining us? So would a werewolf beat a vampire?

Dracula: Are you fucking serious? You know there’s a United States Senate seat on the line here, right?

TBS: Um, yeah. So are you a Warnock supporter?

Dracula: We didn’t endorse anyone. The rev has way too many crucifixes around for us to back him. But Herschel is dumber than the fucking mummy and that asshole has been dead for centuries.

TBS: So you’re hoping Herschel loses?

Dracula: Put it this way. I just sunk my teeth in a person’s neck and drained their whole body of blood and I don’t suck as much as Herschel goddamn Walker.

TBS: Ouch. Well we’re glad you have a full stomach. Take care!

Note two: So just a reminder that tomorrow is the last TBS before we take a week off to recharge the batteries. And if you couldn’t tell from that opening note, we need the break.

Note three: Yesterday the AP called the House for Republicans. They barely won. This morning they held a press conference to announce they’re going after Hunter Biden. We should be glad these fucking idiots didn’t learn a goddamn thing, but also these next two years are gonna be really stupid. More: Huff Post

Note four: Kari Lake put out a video this morning talking about how unfair her election was and that she won’t stop. Or we assume that’s what it said. We stopped watching because who gives a fuck about Kari Lake?

Note five: Need some good news? KP won and she’ll be back!

Note six: Pennsylvania House Republicans voted to impeach the Philly DA, who was reelected by his constituents, because they just care about crime so damn much. And also because they’re losing the majority and want to be the biggest assholes possible first. More: 6ABC

Note seven: Sherrod Brown announced he’s running for reelection in two years, and we need to have his back. Because he sure as hell has ours. More: NBC News

Note eight: So Jake Tapper and CNN had Mike Pence on for a town hall last night that was about the most embarrassing shit we’ve ever seen. Pence is a shitty actor and a pathetic kiss-ass, but at least he’s full of shit. Great work, CNN! More: NO FUCKING LINK

Note nine: Glen Youngkin had to backtrack after releasing new educational standards that just happen to leave out MLK and Juneteenth. Probably just a huge goddamn accident, right? More: Richmond.com

Note 10: We had a change of heart. We will share one Pence clip because we’re just nice like that.

Note 11: The Biden family is having a Friendsgiving with military families in North Carolina. It’s weird he doesn’t want to have it at a South Florida Orgy and Classified Docs Palace, but isn’t it nice to have a real human being as president? More: WCNC

Note 12: Fox News has been attacking Giselle Fetterman. She should tell them she’s Russian, and they’d stop. Also, fuck those assholes. More: Jezebel

Note 13: Mitch McConnell was reelected minority leader yesterday. That’s funny for two reasons — First, we kept him out of his dream job and he must be miserable. Second, Rick Scott needs a rehab for being addicted to losing. More: NBC News

Note 14: We want to congratulate the amazing Michelle Obama on her new book. We also want to again vehemently disagree with her about “going high.” Because fuck that shit. Sorry, ma’am. More: Time

Note 15: Y’all, we gotta win Georgia. 

Note 16: So it really looks like Elon Musk is trying to kill twitter. Here’s a tip on how to get started on Mastodon… More: Wired

Note 17: Democrats aren’t going to do anything about the debt ceiling during the lame-duck. So goodbye, economy. More: Bloomberg

Note 18: GET DACA DONE! We have to protect Dreamers, and this is probably our last chance to do it for a very long time. GET IT DONE! More: NBC News

Note 19: The NYT did the math and Trump’s candidates ran about 5 points behind other Republicans. LOL. Call it the Dumbshit Drag. More: New York Times

Note 20: Alrighty, you beautiful gorgeous amazing SPs, let’s go do some news! We love y’all so much and hope you have an awesome day. Also, watch out for Dracula Johnson. And Herschel Walker. 

City of Angels

WOOHOO!!! Enormous congratulations to former U.S. Rep. Karen Bass on being elected mayor of Los Angeles. She is the first woman to lead the city, and they’re lucky to have her. Of course we need to take a minute to point and laugh at Republican Rick Caruso who spent $100 million trying to fool everyone into thinking he was a Democrat, and it only worked on Snoop, Katy Perry and Chris Pratt. We thought we saw Maria Shriver backing him too, and we’re really hoping we’re wrong. Congrats, Madam Mayor! More: New York Times

Let’s fucking go!

Yesterday the Senate voted to advance a bill protecting gay and interracial marriage with 62 votes. So yeah, a shitload of Republicans — INCLUDING MITCH MCCONNELL WHO IS IN AN INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE — voted against protecting families. Enormous thanks to Sen. Tammy Baldwin for making this happen. We are giving zero credit to Kyrsten Sinema who ruined yesterday’s moment by issuing a self-serving both-sides bullshit statement and reminded everyone how much they hate her. More: CNN

Waiting

Shortly after this hits your inbox, Speaker Pelosi will let the nation know what her plans are for the future. The speaker’s officer is denying a report that she will retire in two years and step down as leader and help Hakeem Jeffries take the reins. Frankly we think the woman has more than earned the right to tell us what she’s doing on her own, so we’ll be watching. Whatever she decides, we are eternally grateful to the Speaker for leading us through these insane last few years. From taking on Trump to battling the pandemic to holding the Republic together on Jan. 6, Speaker Pelosi is a true American hero. Speaker Pelosi is scheduled to speak on the House floor at 12:10 ET. More: ABC News

Today’s clips

Far-right Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-N.C.), who is getting booted from Congress after losing his primary, has released a new video pledging allegiance to former President Donald Trump. 

But he has one exception. More: Huff Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.