Today's Big Stuff 11.17.21

11.17.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 356 days until the midterm elections. A jobs number screw up that really hurts, the House will censure a deranged lunatic and a new debt ceiling deadline. 

Be advised: We’re cussing, we’re spelling shit wrong and we’re feeling just plain focking weird today. 

Note: Hey there, sexy patriots. So um we don’t want to be alarmist or hyperbolic or whatever the hell else smug New York Times reporters called us back in 2016, but yeah, it sure seems like the Republican Party kinda sorta wants to kill us all. You know that pasty white dude with the AR-15? Oh right. We’ll be more specific. The one in St. Louis who stood there with his pasty wife pointing guns at Black people because they were filled with white rage and out of blue pills. Yeah, that one. Well he went to Wisconsin to show support for the other pasty white dude who (fine — allegedly) murdered two people. As far as we know, neither of them pointed a gun at anyone yesterday. They must’ve been so sad and flaccid. 

Anyway, it’s a problem when you got one crazy pathetic armed lunatic hanging out. But when they start hanging out together, buddy, watch out. Because, like we said, it sure as hell looks like they want to kill us all. And we know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re fine as hell and these deranged motherfuckers have wanted to kill us forever that’s why they have all the guns in the first place well that and inadequacy issues. Well you’re right. About all of it. And it’s terrifying. Except for the part about us being fine as hell. That was very nice of you. And astute;) 

But while we’re talking about this shit with Paul Gosar, it is pretty goddamn jarring to think about how this is a pretty obvious pattern now of these lunatic sonsofbitches openly fantasizing about killing us. Like really killing us. Like killers. They attacked our goddamn Capitol, so it’s not like there’s lines they won’t cross. They won’t stop talking about blood and war. They’re armed all the time, and they keep telling us about it. Like if you knew a Matt Gaetz in your life and he kept telling you he had a gun, wouldn’t you leave and call the authorities or just get in your car and drive far the eff away? Right. Probably a good idea to do that even if he doesn’t tell you he has a gun. Especially if you’re a minor. 

Anyway, keep your wits about you these days. We don’t want to scare you but we do love y’all and we don’t want to see some Trump-brained dumbshit messing with you or yours. Especially after what those cruel fuckers did to Herman Cain. Killed him and then made his ass keep tweeting. Truly chilling shit. Have a great day, SPs. More: Associated Press

Note two: Well that wasn’t very uplifting for a Wednesday. But the other thing we wrote was this lengthy fairy tale about Marjorie Taylor Eww Nasty and her tapeworm, Digly, and their adventures together and it grossed us out so much we dry-heaved for like a solid minute. So that first note shit might have been dark and scary, but trust us when we tell you we did you a favor. 

Note three: LOL. Digly. That’s a funny name for a tapeworm. Also, does anybody else’s mind just explode whenever they think about how that Herman Cain thing went down? Fucking crazy, right? 

Note four: Y’all wanna talk about politics? Cool. The FBI raided that QAnon nutjob Colorado clerk and Lauren Boebert’s former campaign manager. Someone tell Trump we found the assholes who tried to rig the election. He’ll be so relieved. More: Colorado Politics

Note five: So the new head of the House Freedom Caucus was a key player in trying to overturn the election and he just tested positive for COVID. Sounds like the right man for the job. More: CNN

Note six: President Biden is visiting Ft. Bragg on Monday for an early Thanksgiving celebration with the troops. He doesn’t have to go to Afghanistan to visit them because he ended the war there. More: News Observer

Note seven: Ok joking aside for a second — 100,000 Americans have died of drug overdoses in a year for the first time ever. This is one of the most devastating things we’ve ever heard. If you’re having an issue with this stuff, please talk to someone. We promise you can change things. More: Washington Post

Note eight: It’s weird how these super smart economists are like no Biden’s plan won’t add to inflation and dumbasses like Joe Manchin are like well I’m just not sure. Get your head out of your ass, Manchin! More: Reuters

Note nine: Speaking of useless centrist trash, Kyrsten Sinema sat for an interview with Politico and god she is just the fucking worst. We’re not linking to it. Needless to say she has a very high opinion of herself and thinks the rest of us are just morons. But we’re supposed to be grateful she hasn’t switched parties. More: NO LINK

Note 10: Nicole Wallace is pretty great for a former Republican. More: The Wrap

Note 11: Chuck Todd fucking sucks dead goat balls. Even for a current Republican. More: NO LINK

Note 12: Both Target and Wal-mart have had earnings calls in the last two days to talk about how great business is and how stocked their shelves are for the holidays. Maybe the press thinks every day is opposite day. More: Market Watch

Note 13: Here’s the goal from Fauci — fewer than 10,000 cases a day. Can we do it? Meh. More: CNBC

Note 14: It’s pretty horrifying to see the head of NATO talking about us like we’re some third-world backwards ass country, but maybe that’s exactly what we are. More: Axios

Note 15: Lock her up. More: NBC News

Note 16: We’re so happy for the new bisexual Superman. We know his parents are proud too. We just hate that he’s gonna get hit on by so many hateful closeted Republicans. More: Washington Post

Note 17: We’ll just be honest — we don’t know anything about this Fed Chair stuff. More: Bloomberg

Note 18: Ahmaud Arbery was murdered for being a Black man out jogging. It’s too late for justice, but we sure are hell are praying for accountability. More: CNN

Note 19: We love seeing these Republican assholes get called out for trying to claim credit for shit they voted against. More: Huff Post

Note 20: We need our people in Washington to do more on voting rights. A lot more. Like now. More: The Grio

Note 21: Ok, sexy patriots, to the news! They’re sentencing that QAnon Shaman dickhead today, so we’ll be sure to update y’all tomorrow. Have a wonderful day! And watch out for pasty Republicans with guns. 

Oopsie

So you know how there’s this crazy idea that the economy sucks even though the economy is booming? Well that’s in large part to some pretty major fuck-ups by the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS). Yeah, they undercounted the number of jobs created this summer by 626,000, which is obviously fucking huge. Oh and as Parker Malloy pointed out this morning, BLS is run by a Trump appointee who underestimated the jobs Trump lost and underestimated the jobs Biden created. What the effing hell is that all about? This could’ve changed the whole goddamn game? More: Washington Post

Gosar the Gosarian

We hate to defile our beloved Ghostbusters like that, but when were we ever gonna get that chance again? Anyway, today the House will vote to censure and strip Rep. Paul Gosar of his committee assignments because he’s an unhinged piece of shit who posts videos of him killing AOC and President Biden. Republicans, minus Cheney and Kinzinger, will of course unite behind the political violence guy and the Beltway press is already treating it like a both-sides no biggie. We are soooooo fucked. More: Axios, CNN, NBC News

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals

Dec. 15th. That’s when Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen says the U.S. will hit its next debt ceiling. So congrats to everyone in Washington who kicked the can down the road last month because now your holidays are gonna suck. This shit is so stupid and it’s really pretty insane we haven’t just gotten rid of it. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Pfizer asked U.S. regulators Tuesday to authorize its experimental pill for COVID-19, setting the stage for a likely launch this winter of a promising treatment that can be taken at home. More: Associated Press

Dr. Mary Bowden, the Texas doctor who had her privileges suspended last week by Houston Methodist for spreading "dangerous misinformation" about Covid-19 on social media, has resigned from the hospital. More: NBC News

Donald Trump has been on a retribution campaign against the House Republicans who voted to impeach him. Now the former President is expanding his revenge tour to include a new crop of members: GOP lawmakers who backed the bipartisan infrastructure law. More: CNN

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