Today's Big Stuff 11.16.21

11.16.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 357 days until the midterm elections. Liz Cheney gets booted from the Wyoming GOP and we’d let her stay on our couch but it’s not really like big enough, Americans support abortion rights and Mike Flynn asked the Pentagon to seize ballots. 

Be advised: We’re cussing and misspelling stuff and coming in hat today. We mean hot. Fuck. 

Note: Good day to you, sexy patriots. How in the hell are you? You are looking well. Well and sexy. So can we just talk about Monday for a minute? Like can we meditate on the day that was or you got something better going on? Everybody’s in such a big goddamn hurry these days. Sorry. We haven’t had our coffee yet and we’re writing angry. And all we can think about is Monday. The day started with a multi-shirted Pixar meth rock turning himself into the feds because he’s a goddamn traitor to the country. Yeah watching Steve Bannon go down was really a nice way to start the week but also just a dark and gross reminder of how far we’ve fallen. And how did Democrats spend their Monday? Oh nothing just signing a $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill into law. Yeah, how you like that shit? We like it just fine ourselves. Mighty fine.

That’s what’s called talking shit, and we highly recommend it. It’s a fantastic part of celebrations, and we all need to be celebrating this infrastructure win. Politics is a fucking nightmare, especially in the age of the psycho killer gameshow host and existential threats to democracy. Victories are not only far and few between but often they are little more than small sighs of relief at the end of a hard hard battle that didn’t really end. So please take some time to enjoy this win and the good it will do. And by all means, sexy patriots, talk your shit. 

Oh and yeah what a horribly challenging time to be an independent American voter. To stand there in an imaginary fucking middle, with the very existence of our precious democracy in your clueless hands, and look at these two visions — David Lee Roth if he was a piece of shit traitor who was a part of an attack on the U.S. Capitol and looked like he’d been drowned for three days in a pool of bleach and rat piss (Bannon) or roads and bridges and broadband and clean drinking water and shit like that? Gosh. What a fucking dilemma. We sure as hell don’t envy that goddamn head scratcher. Real Sophie’s fucking Choice you got there. 

Or is this the easiest decision in the world? Maybe we’re gonna have a great goddamn story to tell voters. Maybe we already do. If we keep piling up wins, we can defy the punditry. It ain’t like they’re good at guessing at what happens. Anyway, excuse us if we’re a little obnoxious today. Our party just passed a major infrastructure bill that certain other people couldn’t pass and we’re gonna talk our shit. Y’all with us? More: CNN, NBC News

Note two: We’re sorry to any independent voters who read that first note and were offended. We know you’re smart and awesome and good looking and very important and your haircut looks great. 

Note three: Hey so we found out today that consumer spending is up and Goldman says the unemployment rate will be at a 50-year low by the end of 2022. So maybe reporters should stop repeating bullshit Republican talking points that the economy is in trouble. More: CNN

Note four: This trial has been a national disgrace. Ya know, because of the judge and the white supremacy. More: CNN, CNN II

Note five: How awesome was it to hear the Vice President declare “We did it, America” yesterday? God she’s amazing and we’re damn lucky to have her. No matter what CNN says. More: Axios

Note six: It’s really quite terrifying to us that one of the cannibalistic serial killers running for the Senate from Ohio could actually be in the Senate. Support Tim Ryan if you can. More: News Record

Note seven: The Jan. 6 committee is gonna meet to discuss what to do about Mark Meadows. Cool cool cool. No worries. The midterms aren’t for like another five years so it’s cool that we’re acting like we’ve got all the time in the world. More: CNN

Note eight: Well goddamnit. We are losing another fantastic member of Congress to retirement. Rep. Jackie Speier has been a fighter for women and sexual assault victims, she’s been an effective and thoughtful legislator and we are going to miss her. Thank you, Rep. Speier! More: ABC7

Note nine: This trial has also been a disgrace, but mostly because of the lawyers. And that part actually makes sense to us. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Alex Jones is going through some shit. And goddamn that makes us happy. More: New York Times

Note 11: Russia blew up some shit in space and made everything a dangerous mess. No word on where Trump’s Space Force was. More: Axios

Note 12: Remember when something like this would dominate the news and make us all think about how to stop the next one? More: CNN

Note 13: Here are the Republicans who showed up for yesterday’s bill signing. You should call them up and tell them you’re going to primary them. Just for funsies. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 14: Did y’all hear Rob Portman try to give Trump some credit for the infrastructure bill? LOL. Whatever, bro. Only thing he made us rebuild were some windows at the Capitol and our national dignity. 

Note 15: Good luck to Daniel Goldman who announced today that he is running for NY AG.

Note 16: We have no thoughts on Succession.

Note 17: So is it just us or does this seem insanely fucked up? More: Alter Net

Note 18: We know we said we wouldn’t say anything but seriously why is there so much Chris Christie on our fucking television? Even his family doesn’t like him this much. 

Note 19: Ok, you badass sexy mofo-ing patriots, let’s get our behinds to the news! And then get out there and talk your shit! Have a great day! Love y’all!

Bye Liz

The Wyoming Republican Party voted to no longer recognize Liz Cheney as a Republican. She responded by calling the vote rigged and then attacking the party headquarters and beating some cops with the American flag before smearing her own shit on the walls. We’re kidding about the second part, but man that is one fucked up party they got there. Sorry, Liz, we’d say you could stay with us but we’re all full up and we think you’d be allergic to our love of voting rights. More: Associated Press

Hell yeah

By a 2 to 1 margin, Americans want the Supreme Court to keep Roe the law of the land. According to the new ABC-WaPo poll, abortion rights has bipartisan support, with 75 percent(!) saying the decision should be left to women and their doctors. The breakdown is 95 percent of Democrats, 81 percent of indies and holy shit 53 percent of Republicans. More: Washington Post

Hell no

Traitor Mike Flynn, who CBSNews spent most of 2020 trying to clear, was a part of an effort to use the Pentagon to overturn the 2020 election. Yes, this is some truly fucked up shit. According to Jon Karl’s new book, Flynn called Ezra Cohen and told him to seize ballots, calling him a “quitter” when Cohen told him the election was over. Sure seems like Mike Flynn is a danger to this country. Oh and he’s calling in to the Jan. 6 terrorists and singing to them. Like we said, this is some truly fucked up shit. More: ABC News, Vice

Today’s clips

After publicly sounding the alarm about Russia's irregular military movements near Ukraine's border, the Biden administration's efforts to understand Russia's intentions are being hampered by a key blind spot -- the intelligence community's limited visibility into Russian President Vladimir Putin's inner circle. More: CNN

President Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping met Monday in a virtual summit that featured no breakthroughs but enabled the two global superpowers to engage on a slew of sensitive issues that have strained ties — including Taiwan, trade and human rights. More: Washington Post

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