Today's Big Stuff 11.15.21

11.15.21

It’s Monday. There are 358 days until the midterm elections. Bannon turns himself in to the FBI, Beto turns himself in… to a candidate and President Biden is taking infrastructure week to a whole new level.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses and spells shit wrong. That’s especially true on a Minday. 

Note: Well hey there, sexy patriots! How was your weekend? Well whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Us? Well, we spent the weekend reading. Don’t look so surprised. We read. And really with all these books coming out about how Trump was a dangerous lying piece of shit who tried to overthrow the government, it can be hard to keep up. You know, unless you already knew that stuff already. But if you do like the inside gossipy stuff, then you’re gonna love this excerpt from TBS’s fake book on the Trump years. It’s called “Holy Fucking Shit Please Make This Stop!” and it comes out never. (Because if we knew this crap was happening, we’d tell you instead of keeping it for a book for profit.) 

From Chapter 17: “...While Trump was known for busting all presidential norms to hell and back, he was not as well known for inventing new presidential traditions. That changed when he brought out the Presidential Poop Stick. It was exactly what it sounds like — a stick with a piece of shit on the end of it and the presidential seal on the handle. Nobody knew whose shit it was, but people suspected that every morning Ivanka would take a poo in a sterling silver box and that was the only thing she did all day despite collecting a government salary. When new would-be kissers of the orange ass were brought to Trump for his approval, Trump would first make them touch the Poop Stick. It was a humiliating ritual that left Republicans completely broken and in search of some purell. But it didn’t take long until the bootlicks were competing to see who could go further. Matt Gaetz was the first to eat the poop. Chris Christie ate the poop and then the stick. But the prize went to Lindsey Graham who also ate the stick but did so with such gusto that he also accidentally swallowed Trump’s watch. Before long, they were all eating shit and bragging about how much they could eat in a single sitting. Kevin McCarthy put on 15 pounds just from eating shit. Mar-a-Lago began selling Trump-brand Shit Sticks so folks like Marco Rubio could take some home to eat in private. What was odd was that after Jan. 20, 2020, just how many Republicans couldn’t stop eating shit. They had, it seemed, developed not just a taste for it, but an addiction.”

Wow. Truly shocking stuff, right? The worst part? For the first two years of the administration, Mike Pence was the stick. 

Note two: LOL. We don’t know what that was, but welcome to Monday. 

Note three: Speaking of Mike Pence, all this talk of him being hung must be very confusing for Mrs. Pence.

Note four: But it is pretty horrifying that not only is Trump defending his mob’s efforts to hang his vice president, but rank-and-file Republican senators are excusing it now too. More: Huff Post, Rolling Stone

Note five: It’s really pretty stunning just how many memos they wrote about turning over the government. We’re not lawyers, but didn’t they use to call that shit evidence? More: ABC News

Note six: Trump is selling his hotel. The new owners are gonna take off the name. They’re also gonna need to tent and spray that motherfucker like crazy. We hear even the bedbugs have syphilis. More: CNN

Note seven: It’s pretty amazing that Republicans are every goddamn day showing us their plan to take over and keep us frozen out for a generation and we’re just like yeah but we can organize. More: New York Times

Note eight: America 2021 — where we ban books. More: AJC

Note nine: We get that people are down on President Biden right now. But damnit when we see stuff like this we remember how important it is to have a good person in that job. More: CNN

Note 10: The teacher shortage is gonna endure past the pandemic. Which is weird because who wouldn’t want to be yelled at and threatened by some maskless inbred dumbfuck who thinks the Phantom Tollbooth is about satanic ghosts? More: Axios

Note 11: We’re gonna have some interesting stories to tell next year about the deranged violent pieces of shit who Mitch McConnell wants in the Senate. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Speaking of McConnell, we won’t link to the Politico piece but they’re reporting that Moscow Mitch wanted Trump disinvited from Biden’s inauguration. LOL. That’ll show him, Turtleman. More: NO LINK

Note 13: Speaking of no links, we are absolutely not linking to that piece of hot garbage hit piece of Vice President Harris. Not a whiff of scandal and they’re doing everything they can to bring her down. It’s appalling. 

NO LINK 

Note 14: We’re trying to be positive this Monday, so we’re not gonna dwell on these new numbers for Biden. But here they are, and you should know them. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Mike Flynn says this country only has one god. We assume he’s talking about Slash from Guns N’ Roses. More: The Hill

Note 16: Need a smile this Monday? More: Associated Press

Note 17: So shouldn’t it be the biggest fucking story in the world that the Trump administration lied about and covered up their COVID response resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans? Is our news media in on the cover-up? Where are the fucking hearings? WTF?! More: CNN

Note 18: We want to get excited about this climate agreement, but honestly we just know better. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Mark Meadows needs to get the Bannon treatment. More: CNN

Note 20: To be frank, we have no idea what to make of this thing in Georgia. But we sure as hell are rooting for them. More: AJC

Note 21: Congrats to Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy, who announced this morning he is retiring from the Senate. He has enjoyed a long and distinguished career, he was great in the Batman movies and we’re going to miss him. 

Note 22: Ok you badass SPs, let’s get to the news. We hope y’all had a great weekend, and we just know you’re gonna have a wonderful week. Watch out for the Poop Stick! 

No white(s only) Bronco

Steve Bannon didn’t seem quite so tough this morning as he turned himself in to the FBI, livestreaming the whole thing like the 100 year old virgin that he is. Bannon was charged with two counts of contempt of Congress and was whining about taking down President Biden the whole time. On the bright side, he looks great. Seems to be eating well and really taking care of himself. Just kidding. He looks like diarrhea got addicted to meth. More: CNN

Go Beto 

Beto’s back, baby. The man who took Ted Cruz to the wire is back to take on Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. Can he win? Beats us. But he brings a lot of energy to a state party that really needs it. And he was great in Dazed and Confused. Oh wait. That’s the other guy. Good luck, Beto! More: CNN

Hell yeah

Today Joe Biden is going to sign a $1 trillion infrastructure bill at the White House. There will be a couple Republicans there because he loves his bipartisan shit, but this is a big win and we all need to act like it. What’s more, the House is confident it will pass its version of the BBB bill this week. Then we get to watch as Joe Manchin tears it to pieces, but still, things are looking up! Enjoy this one, y’all. They don’t happen that often. More: CNN

Today’s clips

The Biden administration on Monday will propose a 20-year ban on oil and gas drilling in Chaco Canyon and surrounding areas in northwestern New Mexico, a sacred tribal site that also contains valuable oil and gas. More: Washington Post

When Chinese President Xi Jinping beams into the White House on Monday evening fora virtual summit with President Joe Biden, the two men will need no introduction. More: CNN

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