Today's Big Stuff 1.11.22

1.11.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 301 days until the midterm elections. Biden goes to Georgia for voting rights, pandemic hospitalizations hit an all-time high and Republicans are threatening us again.

Be advised: Our spelling is a little better today, but we’re still cussing like some motherfuckerps.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, those sonsofbitches finally did it. They finally rendered us speechless and hot as hell. Yeah, we didn’t think it could be done either. The speechless part anyway. Trump came close a couple of times, but we still aways managed to bleet out a “what the fuck?!” at the very least no matter how nutty/deadly things got. But today, we’re… uhhhh….uhhhh….uhhhh…shit.

See we look at the goals of this beautiful newsletter as four-fold: 1. We want to save democracy, and team up with a bunch of like-minded and super sexy patriots to do so. 2. We want to help you stay informed and away from the dumbfucks on Facebook and parts of Florida. 3. We want folks to know they’re not alone in their fear, outage, sexiness, anxiety or anger. And last — We want to try and make y’all and ourselves laugh. But we don’t know how the fuck we’re supposed to do that last one when the dumbshits we’re mocking are too goddamn dumbshitted to even make fun of. Y’all know what we’re talking about. THEY’RE DRINKING THEIR OWN GODDAMN PISS TO FIGHT COVID!

What in the wide world of sports are we supposed to do with that?! (h/t Mel Brooks) How in THE hell are we supposed to take that and make it funnier?! Jokes about how they’ll be eating their own shit next?! How is that a joke when we’ve watched them eat Trump’s for years now?! But seriously, would we even be surprised? Imagine a week or a month from now you’re having your morning coffee and scrolling through the news and you come across a Daily Beast story about how some Trump preacher or Mike Flynn has come out in favor of eating poop tacos as a way to beat COVID. Wouldn’t even faze you would it? You can already hear Flynn saying, “I ate my own shit for lunch, and I feel totally normal now let’s go overthrow the government and sell it to Turkey, fellow shit breaths!” The worst part? Trumpers will spend a fortune buying more of Trump’s when they can just make their own.

Anyway, we really feel like we’re just tilting at windmills trying to add some comedic value to this lunacy, so we’re just gonna give up on trying and see y’all back here tomorrow. We appreciate y'all understanding. More: The Daily Beast

Note two: They’re peetotalers. Get it? Like teetotalers? We did it! We got a joke out of it! Phew. We feel much better now.

Note three: Every once in a while we see something so fucking brilliant that we just can’t believe it’s happening in the world of politics. But whoever came up with this idea to ask North Carolina officials to bar Madison Cawthorn from office because he took part in an insurrection is a goddamn genius. More: Associated Press

Note four: Trump’s lawyers argued yesterday that he can say and do whatever he want as long as he’s president. The judge never asked them what country they thought they were in. More: Law and Crime, NBC News

Note five: Here’s a list of just a few of the reasons we need to be beating Ron Johnson like a drum. But guess what — that fucker is already on the air. If you can give money to the Wisconsin Democratic Party so they can fight back, then please do. More: Washington Post

Note six: Y’all watch Alabama lose last night? It was a good game, and it probably upset Roy Moore. Remember Roy Moore? Man, the Republican Party is a fucking disaster.

Note seven: Speaking of which, Iowa Republicans have gone completely insane. More: Associated Press

Note eight: The coward Mike Pence just can’t decide if he wants to help the Jan. 6 committee. In his defense, we’re not threatening to hang him if he does. No, that motherfucker is never gonna be well-hung. More: New York Times

Note nine: That last joke felt like poor taste even for us. But ya know, fuck that guy.

Note 10: This story is heartbreaking and infuriating but also kinda confusing because Mitch McConnell and John Roberts told us racism was over. More: CNN

Note 11: They sent fake election certifications to the national archives. Are we ever gonna find the spine to do something about this shit? It just drives us crazy that they’re the ones who tried to overthrow the government, but we’re the ones playing defense on election integrity. How the fuck does that even happen?! More: The Daily Beast

Note 12: If you thought indictments were coming anytime soon in Georgia, well, they ain’t. Guess we all just have to be patient. Yeah, we’re out of patience too. More: Associated Press

Note 13: The really scary thing is that the handful of Republicans who did stand up to Trump are all heading to retirement. We don’t blame them, but god help us with the band of deranged wall-humping glue-sniffers we’re getting instead. More: Talking Points Memo, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Note 14: Tennessee Republicans are gonna split up Nashville. It’s a cool town that’s getting a lot less cooler. The Tennessee GOP is really high on the list of scumbag state parties. Like surprisingly high. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Lisa Murkowski has been attacked by Trump nonstop. Why the hell haven’t we tried harder to get her to help us out on some important shit like voting rights? More: Huff Post

Note 16: Trump just announced that the pillow crackhead guy and white supremacist Paul Gosar will be speaking at his Arizona rally. He sure does have cool friends for a rich guy.

Note 17: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news! Hope y’all are having a good week. And if you did come up with any good jokes about those sick fuckers drinking their own piss, then please send them our way. The jokes. Not the piss. Love y’all!

Georgia

The pressure is on Joe Biden as he heads to Georgia for a series of events and then a speech focused on the need to reform the filibuster to pass voting rights. Unfortunately, the one-man audience for the speech, a corrupt and backwards dumbfuck from West Virginia, said this morning he’s not even sure he’ll watch it. The reality is we don’t have the votes to do what needs to be done, and there’s a good damn chance that two piece of shit Democratic senators are going to join all the piece of shit Republican senators and pretty much finish off American democracy. Yeah, it sucks. But we’re gonna keep fighting anyway because that’s what we do. More: The Grio, CNN, Washington Post

Be safe and sexy

So despite a bunch of assholes telling us shit was going to be “mild” like we were talking about goddamn chicken wings, hospitalizations for COVID are at an all-time high. This shit ain’t over yet. Yeah, we’re all really fucking sick and tired of it. But we can’t give up. Upgrade your masks and get your booster. And also — stay the hell away from Republicans. You never know what you’ll catch from those filthy assholes. More: CNN

Bring it

Republicans are threatening us again. Yeah, the people who tried to overthrow the government are trying to scare us. Mitch McConnell is threatening to wreck the Senate if we move the filibuster at all for voting rights (Hey asshole, you already wrecked the Senate!), and Kevin McCarthy is threatening to take away committee assignments from Swalwell, Schiff and Omar if Republicans retake the House. They’re telling us every fucking day who they are and what they want to do. Are we listening? Also, fuck Mitch and motherfuck Kevin. More: Wall Street Journal, Talking Points Memo, The Hill

Today’s clips

The House Administration Committee — another key player in the building drive to reform the Electoral Count Act — will call for at least four changes to the century-old legislation in a report being released as early as this week, Axios has learned. More: Axios

Treasury Department officials on Monday said that the Internal Revenue Service will face “enormous challenges” during this year’s tax filing season, warning of delays to refunds and other taxpayer services. More: Washington Post

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