Today's Big Stuff 11.1.21

11.1.21

It’s Monday. There is ONE DAY until this year’s elections, and there are 372 days until the midterm elections. Trying to understand how Jan. 6 keeps getting scarier, big votes coming up this week maybe hopefully and SCOTUS takes another step toward ending Roe and maybe killing us all. 

Be advised: We came here to do three things — eat leftover Halloween candy, cuss like some motherfuckers and spell some shit wrong accidentally. And we just got goddamp tummy ache so we’re done with the candy. 

Note: Helllllllooooo you sexy mf’ing patriots!!! How the effing heck are you this fine Monday? Are you nursing a Halloween hangover? Did you do something that can get you fired last night? Divorced, maybe? Well don’t worry because TBS is here to cuss and laugh about the horrors of politics with you. What’s that? We’re not solving your problems at all? Well that might be technically true, but we’re not making them worse either and in the year 2021, that’s about the best you can hope for. Yeah, here at TBS we’re all about keeping things in perspective — and keeping things sexy as all hell. 

So ahead of tomorrow’s elections, while we’re maybe all understandably a little nervous, we thought we’d take a giant step back and try to see the forest and the trees. Ready? Ok, so there are two major parties. One wants to do shit like get healthcare for people, child-care for parents, fix roads, fix bridges, protect the vulnerable, stand up for the folks who need it and just generally make life better. Then there’s a fucked up cult led by an actual idiot who thinks invisible planes are real, played golf while thousands died a day and oh yeah tried to overthrow the government by sending a gang of inbred, goat-horned dumbshits to the U.S. Capitol while we were trying to have a peaceful transfer of power like we had for more than two centuries before that actual goddamn idiot came along. And yet somehow, that cult party is still in a position to win elections in places that aren’t Mississippi. How?

Well, the answer to that is what Sam calls the four-and-a-half assholes theory. No, this is not a feel-good story about a person overcoming the adversity of having to take four-and-a-half shits at the same time. Basically it goes like this — if you take a polling average, the 74 million dicks who voted for little dick last November and the morons who sank their boats for Trump and you add it all up, we’re going to say it represents about 45 percent of Americans. Yeah, it’s way too high, and it makes us pee ourselves a little too. But if you break it down, and you imagine a room with 10 people in it, then doesn’t it seem likely that 4.5 of those people would be irredeemable assholes? What about 45 out of a hundred? Like you’re gonna have a guy in there who cheats on his taxes or cheats on his wife or hates Black people or takes shits in the shower or really wants to have sex with livestock. Irredeemable assholes are just a fact of life.They’re everywhere. And they sure as shit shouldn’t be elected to any positions of power. That’s why it’s so important that we remember we're the five-and-a-half non-assholes and go out and win some elections. Sound like a plan? Ok, go team! 

Note two: Y’all can tell we’re really good at math and theories. If that made you feel dumber, we’re sorry. Try not to stand up too fast after reading that gibberish. 

Note three: We want to send best wishes to superstar truth-teller, Fox-battler and Doocy-dropper Jen Psaki, who announced yesterday that she and members of her house have tested positive for COVID. More: CNN

Note four: We want to send worst wishes to the degenerate piece of shit Southwest Airlines pilot who told his captive passengers “Let’s Go Brandon” before take-off. You’re now free to move about the country… with some fucking asshole who thinks Jan. 6 was super cool. No thanks, Southwest. More: Associated Press

Note five: We were gonna use this space to laugh about Josh Hawley trying to present himself as a picture of masculinity or Mike Pompeo taking on Trump while kissing his ass at the same time, but instead we thought we’d say A. We’re glad President Biden is talking so much about climate change and B. Please leave it all out on the field for New Jersey and Virginia tomorrow. 

Note six: What we’re about to type out was an actual headline that ran in the New York Times. We are not going to link to the story because seriously we don’t want to encourage this lunatic shit. Ready? Ok. Deep breath. Here it is — “Kenosha Trial to Peg Whether Teen is Hero or Reckless Gunman.” That is a real headline in the so-called paper of record about accused double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse. Yeah, pretty fucking shocking, right? So it got us thinking about some other blood-soaked monsters the Grey Lady might think are just misunderstood.

Was OJ just a knife enthusiast? Was John Wayne Gacy just a really, really edgy comedian who took clowning to an extreme degree? What if Jeffrey Dahmer was just really hungry. What the effing fuck is wrong with that newspaper? Oh and this doesn’t even include the Jeremy Peters scandal that broke last night. 

Note seven: Here’s how you actually write about that Rittenhouse shit. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note eight: Say a prayer for the Democratic women of the U.S. Senate who have to try to explain shit to Joe Manchin’s dumb ass. We’re guessing most women have met a Joe Manchin or two in their life so they can relate. Guys, don’t be a Joe Manchin. More: Washington Post

Note nine: Gosh, why does Trump want to keep all these documents secret? Was he involved in the violent attempt to overthrow the U.S. government? LOL. We’re just kidding. Of course he was. More: CNN, Associated Press

Note 10: Remember when the press was like duh we don’t know if Trump is racist derp More: Huff Post

Note 11: Huge congrats to Kal Penn on his coming out and on his engagement. Hope y’all have a happy life, and thank you for always fighting the good fight. More: People

Note 12: The NYT thinks paid family leave might come back stronger after getting left out this time. But they also think Kyle Rittenhouse might be a hero so fuck them. More: New York Times

Note 13: We spent decades thinking Ice Cube was one of the smartest people in Hollywood. Then we watched him fall for the idea that Kushner was going to get half a trillion bucks for the Black community and then this. So yeah, we don’t think Cube is all that bright anymore. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 14: “Ron DeSantis Can’t Figure Out Who Made COVID All Political.” Well done, WaPo. We love that kind of passive-aggressive shit. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Gosh, it sure would be a shame if these psycho firefighters weren’t with the department anymore. (See? We told you we like passive-aggressive shit.) More: NBC New York

Note 16: Are Bari Weiss and the rest of the campus speech warriors melting down over this? Why not? Oh right, because they’re full of shit. More: New York Times, Associated Press, AL.com

Note 17: We don’t know why, but Joe and the Pope put several smiles on our faces. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Remember when that Trump scum tried to run a Biden campaign bus off the road in Texas? Well Marco Rubio wasn’t the only one cheering them on. The Texas cops were real pieces of shit about it too. More: Texas Tribune

Note 19: So if you’re hating that it’s Monday or you spilled your coffee this morning or you backed into the trash cans, just remember it could be worse and you could be as dumb as Lauren Boebert. LOL. What a fucking idiot. More: Forbes

Note 20: Ok, you super sexy patriots, let’s get to the news shall we? We hope y’all had a kick-ass weekend, and we just know you’re gonna rock this week. Be one of the five-and-a-half and watch out for the other 4.5. Love y’all!

How does this keep getting worse?

So WaPo dropped some fucking bombs this weekend. First, we learned that that piece of shit lawyer Eastman was trying to USE THE VIOLENCE THAT WAS HAPPENING AT THE CAPITOL TO COMPEL PENCE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE COUP. That’s a real sentence we just typed. Oh and the FBI ignored a billion warnings. (Why the EFF does Chris Wray still have a job?) Second, the paper did an exhaustive and comprehensive look at the before, during and after of the Jan. 6 attack, and it is horrifying. So um how the fuck does this keep getting worse? And why the hell was the guy behind it all a guest at the goddamn World Series this weekend? More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Washington Post III

Is this the week?

So we have had a lot of false starts and falling poll numbers over our inability to pass some major legislation that we promised. But knock on wood, this might actually be the week. Biden says he thinks this is the week, and progressives say they’re ready to vote and pass both packages. Then we can all sit and wait and see if Manchin and Sinema will torpedo everything. Good times, right? More: CNN

Something really scary

Now that Halloween is behind us, we can move on to the really scary shit. The Supreme Court is hearing arguments today in two abortion rights cases, including that horrifying bullshit Texas law. Oh and if that isn’t enough to scare you poopless, they’re going to probably hear arguments to end all gun safety later in the week. Take deep breaths, everybody. This is going to be bumpy to say the least. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

The U.S. and European Union have reached an agreement to settle their diplomatic rift over Trump-era steel and aluminum tariffs, the White House announced Saturday, as President Joe Biden is in Rome attending the Group of 20 summit. More: Associated Press

As St. Louis Mayor Tishaura Jones took reporters’ questions Friday, the sound of four gunshots rang out. But Jones was unfazed. More: Washington Post

Nearly five years after Joe Arpaio was voted out as sheriff of Arizona's most populous county, taxpayers are covering one of the last major bills from the thousands of lawsuits the lawman's headline-grabbing tactics inspired — and the overall legal tab has hit $100 million. More: NPR

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