Today’s Big Stuff 11.11.22

November 11, 2022

Today’s Big Stuff 11.11.22

Happy Friday. There are 725 days until the presidential election. LOL Trump’s lawyers get sanctioned, the Supreme Court is really really really broken and the former guy declares war on the Republican Party again.

Be advised: This newsletter was too exhausted to cuss. But then we got our second fucking wind.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Congrats on making it to the end of a week that started approximately 78 years ago. Right?! Like goddamn. While we’re still waiting for the dust to settle out West, we thought we’d go ahead and start turning our attention toward the crucial race down in Georgia.

We read in Politico (which we generally boycott because they drink Oz’s pee and like it) that Mitch McConnell and Brian Kemp are teaming up to drag Herschel Walker across the finish line. So we’ve decided to do something really fucking nuts and form an unlikely alliance of our own. Ladies and gentlemen and Sexy Patriots, please enjoy this open letter from us to Donald J. Trump:

Hey shithead!

Looks like your crap life is really falling apart. Can’t tell you how much we’re enjoying that. You’re under countless investigations, your super corrupt company now has a court-appointed monitor, you’re related to Don Jr. and Eric, Rupert has turned on you and now elected Republicans are too. There’s only one thing to do — get your orange ass to Georgia stat!

McConnell and Kemp like to say that you cost them both US Senate seats in Georgia two years ago, but they’re just jealous of what a stable genius you are or whatever. You’re needed in Georgia. People that don’t exist are coming up to us with tears in their fucking eyes telling us they need you in Georgia. Spend as much time there as you can. Talk to as many people as you can. Go off-script. The teleprompter is just Obama trying to control you, and talking points are Hillary laughing at you. Run ads where it’s just you staring at the camera and repeating QAnon slogans and promises to ban abortion nationwide. The people have forgotten what a special person you are, and you need to remind them as only you can.

So go! Get in the game! It’ll really piss McConnell off, and you’ll definitely bring home victory just like you did in 2020. Which is to say it’ll only be in your empty fucking head. Anyway, thanks for taking a wrecking ball to American and please go fuck yourself! Sincerely, TBS

PS: Fuck you, dude. Seriously, just fuck you.

Ok so not exactly an olive branch. More like a stick with dog shit on the end of it. But still, we reached out.

Note two: On quasi-serious note — how are y’all doing? We know the stress has only slightly ebbed from where we were a few days ago. If you can, try to unplug and take a breath this weekend. We’re all due for a break from this shit sooner than later, but for now take lots of breaks and take care of yourself. Love y’all.

Note three: Also, since we asked a question we should note that we are way behind on responding to your emails. It’s seriously one of our favorite things to do, and we promise to get back to y’all before the weekend is over.

Note four: Happy Veteran’s Day to all of our veterans except Tom Cotton. He sucks.

Note five: Wanna see something fucking awesome?

Note six: LOLOL. Kevn McCarthy’s dream of being speaker is running into a roadblock made out of batshit crazy. More: CNN

Note seven: WOOHOO!!!! The people who know these things called Arizona for Mark Kelly last night. That’s huge!!! Congrats, Senator! Now please pull Katie Hobbs across the finish line. More: AZ Central

Note eight: In Nevada, we still need votes cured. So if you’re not sure if you fucked up your mail-in ballot, call and find out. That said, we continue to be cautiously optimistic Catherine Cortez Masto is gonna pull this out. More: Nevada Independent

Note nine: Sadly, we are not as optimistic about beating Lauren Boebert as we had been all week. But on the flipside, Katie Porter is hanging in there.

Note 10: We fucking love these videos so fucking much…

Note 11: Here’s a shortlist of shit that is melting down this week — Elon Musk and twitter, the world of crypto, the Republican Party. Burn, baby, burn.

Note 12: We’re not gonna post the video, but if you haven’t seen Lindsey Graham sobbing over Herschel Walker on Fox last night, it’s pretty hilarious.

Note 13: We’re also not gonna link to the NYT story but apparently Rick Scott was planning to challenge Mitch McConnell for leader until Democratic voters embarrassed the shit out of both of them. Oh well.

Note 14: There was a sheriff in Massachusetts they called “the Arpaio of the East.” He got his scummy ass beat on Tuesday. More: WCVB

Note 15: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Note 16: Huge congrats to new Oregon Gov. Tina Kotek, the second lesbian governor elected this year and the badass mofo who beat back Nike. More: NPR

Note 17: It’s a barn-burner out in LA. Karen Bass is closing the gap on Republican Rick Caruso, but it’s probably gonna be a few weeks before we know for sure.

Note 18: Dark Brandon has a hot take…

Note 19: A Trump asshole federal judge in Texas struck down Biden’s student loan relief. The White House is appealing, but it’s a real fucking problem that those Texas judges have made themselves American kings.

Note 20: Wall Street had its best day yesterday in more than two-and-a-half years. Nice work, Democrats.

Note 21: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news and then go do some weekend! We don’t know about y’all, but we are sure as hell gonna try to catch up on some sleep and some sanity this weekend. And refresh our phones every two seconds of course. Thank you, SPs, for a great week. We love y’all, and we’ll see you Monday.

HA!!!

Remember when Trump filed a lawsuit against Hillary and a bunch of other people over the “Russia hoax” that isn’t a hoax at all? And remember when that lawsuit got thrown out of court so fast it would’ve gotten past most major league batters? Well now a judge says the lawsuit was so goddamn frivolous that he’s implementing sanctions against the Trump lawyers who brought it. Seems like a cool guy to work for, doesn’t he?

More: CNBC

WTF?

You already know this but our Supreme Court is completely and totally broken. Last night, four members of the court showed up at the Federalist Society’s 40th anniversary gala and just had themselves a ball. Alito even got a standing ovation for stripping human rights from millions of Americans. This is insanely fucked up, and it needs to be our party’s next big focus.

More: CNN

Here we go

The Republican Party has been talking about moving on from Trump, and Trump is not taking it well. Yesterday he launched an attack on DeSantis that included the possible confession that he used DOJ to help DeSantis beat Andrew Gillum in 2018. Then this morning, he unleashed a racist attack on Glenn Youngkin saying his name “sounds Chinese.” It’s really fucking gross. But it’s also kinda fun watching him destroy what’s left of the party. Fuck ‘em all.

Today’s clips

Police have launched an investigation and construction of the Barack Obama presidential center in Chicago was halted Thursday after a noose was found on the site. More: HuffPost

A film crew hunting for WWII aircraft lost in the Bermuda Triangle has discovered a 20-foot segment of the space shuttle Challenger off the coast of Florida. More: HuffPost

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.