Today's Big Stuff 1.10.22

1.10.22

It’s Monday. There are 302 days until the midterm elections. America’s worst senator (yes, even worse than Ted Cruz) says he’s running again, Gym Jordan has something to hide and it’s time to get serious about voting rights. 

Side note: We’re planning to cuss less and spell more stuff right today. Just kidding. It’s worse than flucking usuap. 

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! What’s cookin’, good lookin’? Fascism? Nope, not on our watch! But goddamn it does look like we are gonna be tested. Yeah, we hate to come in on a Monday and be those guys, but 2022 sent us a message and it ain’t a warm howdy do. 

Yesterday we found out AOC got COVID about the same time we heard that Bob Saget was dead. And then we knew. Yeah, we got your message loud and clear, 2022! That how it is? We gave you the benefit of the doubt, man, and you go and pull this shit?! We’re still watching fucking Golden Girls re-runs on a loop and you’re gonna take Saget?! It’s like that?! Ok, fuck it then. Let’s dance, motherfucker. 

Sorry, y’all. We were hoping it wouldn’t be like this. We were hoping 2022 and us were gonna be cooler than Freddie Jackson sippin’ on a milkshake in a snowstorm (h/t Big Boi). But no. Just like his idiot brothers 2016-2021, this sonofabitch is coming in lookin’ to start some static. Well, we can sure oblige that ass. You see this ain’t our first rodeo, Dickface Mc22. We ain’t scared of you. You can’t scare us. We lived through Trump. So bring it on. We’re ready to go to work this year, and we’re ready to win and we’re ready to save and protect what’s good about this country and we’re ready to beat the shitty parts of it like a goddamn drum. And no matter how many hilarious and shockingly profane and delightfully twisted comedians and fictional father figures you take from us, we’re gonna keep fighting for all the right shit. But seriously goddamnit. Did you not see Coulier standing right fucking there?! 

Note two: Our apologies to Dave Coulier aka Uncle Joey. We don’t even know the guy. We just always figured that shit about Alanis Morissette was true. Regardless, we at TBS are not in any way rooting for the death of Dave Coulier. We wish him a long and happy life. Far away from Alanis. 

Note three: Also, just because it’s Monday, here’s that Outkast song we referenced in the first note. RIP Bob, and get better, AOC! More: YouTube

Note four: We promise this is a newsletter about politics. So did you see that Politico completely shit the bed this weekend by reporting that Justice Sotomayor was having dinner with Democratic leaders but oops it wasn’t her it was actually Chuck Schumer’s wife? Yeah, they fucked around and by the time it was corrected it was already a fact on the right that our beloved justice was out on the town. In case you’re new here, this is one of the many reasons we refuse to link to anything Politico does. More: The Daily Beast

Note five: It sure seems like a big goddamn deal to us that the families of dead cops blame Donald Trump. Can you imagine how the press would treat this shit if it was a Democrat? More: Raw Story

Note six: We sure hope the courts hold that sonofabitch accountable because we’re running out of people and places who can. More: CNN

Note seven: Thanks to Eric Boehlert for pointing out the ways the press has ignored an economic boom so they can print their cynical bullshit headlines. More: Press Run

Note eight: Did y’all see that Trump tweet this weekend? LOL. That’s right you didn’t. Thanks to whatever genius at HuffPo came up with this. More: Huff Post

Note nine: Yeah, the orange assface is apparently very unhappy he’s been booted off social for a year and his new Trump-brand social media is still a ways away from going online. We have to admit we’re actually kinda excited to see this fucking thing fail. More: Washington Post

Note 10: It can be tempting to hate Trump supporters. We get it. And often we do hate them. But it’s way better for your blood pressure to realize that those dumbshits are still paying his legal bills and then just laugh and laugh and laugh. More: ABC News

Note 11: Gosh, the Senate sure looks broke as fuck to us. More: New York Times

Note 12: The Jan. 6 committee is hoping to talk to Mike Pence. It’s been a fucking year. Why are they just talking about this now? More: CNN

Note 13: So when do we send the National Guard to the Villages to stop this crime spree against democracy? More: Washington Post

Note 14: The lead news story in the country today is a tragic fire in New York that killed at least 19 people. This one has really broken our hearts, and we’re sending all the good vibes we’ve got that way. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Something crazy happened on a Sunday show yesterday — a Republican senator told the truth about Trump losing the election. In response. Trump put out a statement saying he will never endorse that “jerk” again. Yes, he really called him a jerk. Presumably from the jerk store. More: Axios

Note 16: Ok, Canada, we get it you’re smarter than us. Quit rubbing it in. More: Montreal Gazette

Note 17: We don’t know what Putin is gonna do. But we do know it sure looks like Joe Biden is gonna make him hurt if he does go into Ukraine. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Whatever you do — keep everyone you care about far the fuck away from Michigan Republicans. More: Bridge MI

Note 19: In case you missed Sen. Harry Reid’s funeral this weekend, there were some pretty damn wonderful speeches. RIP More: Washington Post

Note 20: Congrats, everyone, we won Arizona again. And this time we won it so hard that we broke the Cyber Ninjas forever. More: Washington Post, NBC News

Note 21: Speaker Pelosi invited the president to give the state of the union address on March 1. So mark your calendars. Or we’ll remind you. More: CNN

Note 22: Ok, SPs, we’ve gone note crazy. We hope this week is easier for you than the last one was. And if it ain’t, don’t worry because we’ll be here to cuss about it with you. We love y’all, and we hope you had an awesome weekend. To the news!

Gross

Ron Johnson, the dumbest dumbshit in the dumbshittery known as the U.S. Senate, said this weekend he is running for re-election, breaking his pledge to only serve two terms. Johnson, who is somehow dumber than Rand Paul and meaner than Ted Cruz, is a great way for us to win in Wisconsin. If you’re sick of Manchin and you’re sick of a Republican senator who says mouthwash is better than a fucking vaccine, then you’re gonna want to get involved in this one. More: CNN, The Hill

Gym

Gym Jordan, who knows a thing or two about cover-ups, is refusing to cooperate with the Jan. 6 committee. In a long bullshit letter, Jordan made up a bunch of reasons why he shouldn’t have to testify. None of them apparently applied to Hillary Clinton. Jordan and Scott Perry are now both refusing to testify, and so we find out if the committee will subpoena sitting members of Congress. Do it. Do it fucking yesterday. More: The Daily Beast, New York Times, MSNBC

LFG

With the BBB plan pretty much dead, Democrats are leaning into voting rights heavy now. Tomorrow President Biden and VP Harris will go to Georgia for a major speech on voting rights, and the Senate appears to have pivoted to that area all the way judging by how freaked out Republicans are. Of course as long as the Democrats’ two McConnell pets are fucking everything up, who knows if anything will actually come of this. That said, Michelle Obama is on the case, and we know better than to ever underestimate her. More: CNN, NBC News

Today’s clips

In early January 2021, as President Donald Trump summoned his supporters to Washington, Rep. Mo Brooks says he received a dire warning from a fellow lawmaker: Antifa was planning to infiltrate the Jan. 6 rally “dressing like Trump supporters.” More: Washington Post

Trumpy Republicans are using baseless 2020 election fraud claims to fill their coffers for this year’s Senate primaries. More: Axios

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