Today's Big Stuff 10.8.21

10.8.21

Happy Friday! There are 25 days until this year’s elections, and 396 days until the midterm elections. Delta messes with the jobs report, Trump reminds everyone he’s a racist d-bag and all eyes on Democrats as Trump’s henchmen defy a congressional subpoena.

Heads Up: This newsletter contains cuss words, typos and, today, some righteous ranting in all caps. Have a nice doy.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to the almost weekend! And have we got a treat for you today. You’re gonna freaking love it! Ready? Ok, open your mouths because we got us a big ol’ jug of Republican Senator tears and they taste better chocolate milk mixed with ecstasy. It’s so much fun. Some of them could be described as having a sad, and some of them just straight up fainted from offense. And the ones who didn’t faint cried so hard we’re worried they’re dehydrated. Now you might be thinking gosh aren’t these the same deranged fuckers who tried to overthrow the government just this freaking year? Why yes, yes they are the very same fuckers who tried to overthrow the government just this freaking year. Oh and aren’t we in this mess to begin with because these sleazy treasonous dickheads were playing political games with 6 million jobs because they wanted to stop Joe Biden’s agenda and hurt Democrats’ election prospects? Why yes, we were in this mess to begin with because these sleazy treasonous dickheads were playing political games with 6 million jobs because… well you get the point.

Still, as you’ve probably seen by now, these sonsofbitches had the goddamn nerve — THE UNMITIGATED FUCKING GALL — to whine and cry and moan and piss their britches because Chuck Schumer, the Majority Leader of the United States Senate, called them out for their psycho party clown with a chainsaw behavior. Well keep crying, assholes. Cry, cry, cry some more. Oh don’t stop crying. Y’all see Lindsey crying and eating this loss on Fox? It was hilarious. It also made us realize he probably likes degradation because he is so fucking good at it. But like seriously, they’re calling us partisan and demanding grace?! Once again for the people in the back — Y’ALL TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING GOVERNMENT LIKE THIS FUCKING YEAR!!! You don’t get to whine anymore! You are forbidden from whining! And Mitt Romney was one of them?! Are you shitting us?!!! He voted against it!!! He voted against it in a move that only the most partisan, most hackiest of pricks would make, and he’s complaining about grace?!!! Oh Mittens, please eat a giant bowl of shit and have a seat on your dancing horse. There’s your grace.

Anyhoo, as you can tell we were half-amused and half-apoplectic about the little pissy-pants fit the treason wimps threw themselves after losing — again! But the weekend is here, tragedy is averted for now, Republicans are crying and Britney is free and settling all of her old scores. Life is good. Y’all have a great weekend, and please know that we love you and we think you’re doing great.

Note two: Yeah, we saw Manchin crying too (Manch Romney?), and we liked it. Too bad he won’t weep for West Virginia the way he weeps for Mitch’s hurt feelings. More: Washington Post

Note three: We didn’t really know what to make of McConnell’s offer. It seemed shitty to us at first, and we’re still gonna hurt in December. But that’s December America’s problem, and October America don’t give a shit about December America’s problem. And we made Republicans cry and McConnell further isolated from his own party. Good times, y’all. More: CNN, Washington Post

Note four: We’ve got a treat for you. A column from Adam Parkhomenko, who begs us all to please heed Hillary’s warnings this time. (We know you already did. But this is for people who aren’t as cool and smart as you) Click here to read. Click the button below to easily tweet it out!

Note five: You wanna hear something that is nucking futs? There are still 250 Trump terrorists who assaulted cops on Jan. 6 who have not yet been arrested. Maybe we should get on that shit. More: Huff Post

Note six: When you think about it, we really are living in the golden age of the exclamation point.

Note seven: Did it mess with you that we ended that sentence with a period? Yeah, it messed with us too. We were all like… woah.

Note eight: Remember when Trump was a dick and screwed around with our national parks as a fuck you to President Obama? Well Biden just un-screwed them. More: CNN

Note nine: The evacuation of Afghanistan, described by Washington media as the worst thing to ever happen, has ended as a rather smashing success. Because the sad truth is there is just no good way to lose a war. More: Axios

Note 10: One thing we truly enjoy watching is when Trump trash turns on each other. And now they’re going after the Cyber Ninjas. Must suck to be losers who are hated by even bigger losers. But we sure are enjoying it. More: Vice

Note 11: Oh and it gets even better. QAnon thinks Mike Flynn is a satanist now. Well, you’re right Q. Total Satanist. Way into Satan. More: The Daily Beast

Note 12: We freaking love this story. It’s about how nobody in Florida is buying Matt Gaetz’s sudden family man routine. LOL! Yeah, no shit. People tend to be pretty skeptical when an alleged child rapist suddenly becomes Ward fucking Cleaver. More: Business Insider

Note 13: That idiot terrorist lady who stole Speaker Pelosi’s laptop, Osama Bin Dumb As Hell, has finally been charged. So um what the hell took so long? More: CNN

Note 14: People, we have GOT to win in Virginia. These sonsofbitches are sick! More: Washington Post

Note 15: So a new report out this morning shows that Trump Hotel took in millions from foreign governments but still lost money. So either Trump is too incompetent to be good at being corrupt or he’s lying about what his hotel made. Yeah, we agree. It’s probably both. More: CNN, Washington Post

Note 16: Somebody messed with Woody freaking Harrelson? Get your shit together, D.C.! More: Washington Post

Note 17: As you see reporters buy the bullshit that Republicans are super offended by Schumer, just remember that they spent yesterday denying the presidential election results and they can go fuck themselves. More: Raw Story, Talking Points Memo

Note 18: So we asked y’all if you had some suggestions for October songs, and a couple of you sexy ass patriots came through. Unfortunately, what they taught us is that the only songs about October are as depressing as they are obscure. So here’s the Peanuts dancing to Outkast instead. More: YouTube

Note 19: Our friend Molly Jong-Fast wrote about what the world is gonna look like after SCOTUS finishes off Roe. More: Vogue

Note 20: Elon Musk is moving Tesla to Texas. So California just got even cooler. More: CNN

Note 21: Ok, you amazingly gorgeous rock stars, let’s get to the news and then let’s get our hot asses to the weekend. We hope you’re able to relax and recharge this weekend because y’all know we’re gonna have to go right back to fighting these fascist assholes next week. We love y’all!

Pandemic ain’t over

That’s the main takeaway from the new jobs report, which showed the economy adding 194,000 jobs last month and the unemployment rate dropping from 5.2 percent to 4.8 percent. Three things to consider: 1. The pandemic ain’t over yet and Delta is causing some pain. 2. Kicking people off their unemployment benefits didn’t work. 3. The August report was revised upward from 235,000 to 366,000 so that could also happen here. More: CNBC

Yikes

It’s been a while since we heard a shocking racism from Trump, but that’s mostly because we don’t really listen to him talk anymore. But last night on Hannity, Orange Dingus was going off about immigrants the way he likes to do when he said that the Haitian refugees who are fleeing hell are probably bringing AIDS with them and going to kill Americans with it. Yeah, fuck every last single person who supports this asshole. More: Washington Post

Terrorists hide

The four Trump aides subpoenaed by the Jan. 6 committee are clearly defying their subpoenas after missing last night’s deadline. Steve Bannon even said as much. And now everyone is wondering just how tough the committee is going to get. They issued new subpoenas yesterday for the organizers of the Stop the Steal rally, but if they don’t haul Bannon’s ass in, then why would anyone answer what then becomes just a meaningless piece of paper? Let’s drag these motherfuckers in and make an example already. More: CNN, Buzzfeed News, Washington Post

Today’s clips

One has been accused of assaulting another White House aide. Another allegedly threatened his ex-wife’s life, exaggerated claims of financial success and alarmed business associates with his erratic behavior. A third has asked a judge to keep past protection-from-abuse orders sealed. More: Associated Press

Facing this increasing damning evidence of a plot to subvert democracy, Republicans have landed on a familiar defense, most notably made in the Ukraine impeachment debate last year: Yeah, but Trump didn’t actually follow through. More: Washington Post

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