Today's Big Stuff 10.7.22

10.7.22

Happy Friday. There are 32 days until the midterm elections. Dark Brandon drops a BFD, Republicans beg the White House for some of that sweet socialism dough and Ganja Joe is THE jobs president.

Be advised: This newsletter has a potty mouth. Whatever the fuck that means.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s Friday! The weekend is here! We’re about a month away from Election Day, so we thought this would be a good time to huddle up and check on everyone. Y’all doing ok? We know the news is totally fucking nuts and totally fucking relentless. But so are we.

But you can tell we’re close to an election because the broken billionaire douchebag club feels like it isn’t getting enough attention, so Elon is being a super asshat and Kanye is changing his voice to be friends with Tucker Carlson. (Seriously. That’s not his real voice is it? Like we’ve been hearing dude sing for years and he didn’t sound like Tom Holland.) And really all they’ve reminded us is that money can’t buy happiness, coolness or a larger functioning peen.

So fuck them. Fuck their private planes, corroded brains and broken souls. Around here we’re staying focused. We’ve got a month to save America from assholes like this…

Oh no he fucking didn’t. Ok, everyone focused? Cool. Let’s go save our country.

Note two: You can tell we’re running out of TBS gas as we coast into the weekend. But that’s ok. We need y’all in a good place for this homestretch so please don’t hesitate to take a break, take a breath, scream some cusswords or smoke some weed on federal property. Ok maybe don’t do that last one. But you’re doing fucking awesome, and we’re damn proud to be on your team. Take care of your mental health the way you’re trying to take care of American democracy.

Note three: Speaking of mental health, last night at a fundraiser, Very Dark Brandon said the odds of a nuclear apocalypse are growing and oh holy shit Joe what the fuck are you trying to do to us, man? More: NBC News

Note four: Do we think this fella would be good in a nuclear crisis?

Note five: Hey, here’s a question — WHY THE FUCK DOES LOUIS DEJOY STILL HAVE A FUCKING JOB?! More: CNN

Note six: DOJ arrested a man for threatening to lynch the Maricopa County supervisor in Arizona. Seems like there should be about a dozen arrests like this every day. More: NBC News

Note seven: Ben Sasse is leaving the Senate to become the president of the University of Florida. We know what you’re thinking and no we don’t know who the fuck that is either. More: NBC News

Note eight: People who went to school with Blake Masters don’t seem to like his nazi ass very much. After watching some of last night’s debate, we can see why. More: Huff Post

Note nine: Y’all get that new booster yet? It’s pretty awesome. Sam had one with a demon sperm chaser and now he’s like 10 feet tall with gills and 5G. Just kidding. But we do highly recommend it.

Note 10: It really is fucking astonishing how much shit this country has put its women’s soccer team through. And all they’ve ever done is be powerful role models and bring home lots of trophies.

Note 11: Don’t forget those shit-eating treason fucks are still on trial for sedition. One of them just pleaded guilty. Also, THEY WERE IN TOUCH WITH THE GODDAMN SECRET SERVICE?!!!! More: Associated Press

Note 12: Isn’t it weird how a month before the election the Washington Post got a scoop from a bunch of rogue right-wing FBI agents that they’ve got enough evidence to charge Hunter Biden but not Matt Gaetz? Isn’t it weird how the same reporter wrote both stories? DC reporters could be exposing this broken shit. Instead their running errans for it. More: NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 13: In California, 23 million residents are about to get up to $1,000 in tax rebates to help offset gas prices. We’re sure Republicans will come up with a reason to hate this. More: CBS News

Note 14: In Kentucky, a group of three Jewish women are suing AG Daniel Cameron, the guy who covered up Breonna Taylor’s murder, over the state’s abortion ban. We’re about to find out just whose religious liberty Republicans actually give a shit about. More: JTA

Note 15: It is endlessly frustrating to be locked in an eternal struggle for freedom and life against the dumbest most pathetic ass-kissing dumbshits in this history of this goddamn planet.

Note 16: The next and possibly last Jan. 6 hearing will be on Oct. 13 at 1 p.m.

Note 17: A new book is explaining how terrified and “deeply alarmed” Republican senators were during the first impeachment. What timely fucking news to learn! Thanks, reporters! More: NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 18: Keep your kids away from Fox News hosts. Something ain’t right with them dudes. More: Huff Post

Note 19: Don’t sleep on North Carolina. Unless it’s Duke. Sleep on that shit all you want.

Note 20: Alrighty, you magnificent SPs, it’s news time! We hope y’all have an amazing weekend. We want to tell you how grateful to you we are for keeping us sane-ish. There’s power and comfort in numbers, and Team No Dumbfucks is getting bigger by the day. Love y’all!

Ganja Joe

Dark Brandon is on a fucking roll. Yesterday the man did what we’ve been waiting for someone in the federal government to do for a long goddamn time — be fucking cool about weed. Yesterday Biden announced pardons for all federal marijuana convictions and urged states to do the same. He also instructed his relevant cabinet members to begin the process of descheduling marijuana. This is fucking HUGE, and we love to see it. We also love seeing the so fucking predictable response from the squares over at Fox…

LOLOL

CNN is reporting that “dozens” of Republicans who voted against the infrastructure bill and called it socialism and did everything they could to stop it are now on their knees begging the White House for infrastructure money. The best part of the story is when Mayor Pete is like yeah we’re gonna give people the money because we’re not gonna punish them for having shithead representatives. More: CNN

WOW!!!

They keep telling us we’re in a recession, and Ganja Joe just keeps putting up great jobs numbers. The September report shows the economy added 263,000 jobs last month, dropping the unemployment rate down to 3.5 percent. Expectations were just 255,000 jobs and 3.7 percent. Folks, we couldn’t ask for a better jobs report for the October stretch. Joe Biden has created 10 million jobs in two years. Now that’s a good story to tell. More: Yahoo Finance

Today’s clips

This year’s Nobel Peace Prize was awarded Friday to jailed Belarus rights activist Ales Bialiatski, the Russian group Memorial and the Ukrainian organization Center for Civil Liberties, a strong rebuke to Russia’s President Vladimir Putin on his 70th birthday. More: Huff Post

The Department of Justice thinks that former President Donald Trump has more classified government documents in his possession and has asked him to return them, according to reports from The New York Times and CNN. More: Huff Post

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