Today's Big Stuff 10.7.21

10.7.21

It’s Thursday. There are 26 days until this year’s elections and 397 days until the midterm elections. Trump told DOJ nine times to overthrow the government and Republicans say that’s fine, Merrick Garland gets the worst kind of endorsement and a federal judge gives women a reprieve in Texas.

Be advised: This newsletter contains cuss words and typos and occasional bursts of laughter. We fucking hope you ejay it LOLOL. 

Note: Goooooooooood morning, Vietnam!!! Oh shit. Wrong country. Wrong newsletter. Let’s try that again. Goooooooood morning, Sexy Patriots!!! Yeah, that’s better. How in this burning world are y’all today? Well that’s good. Us? We are also kicking ass and taking names. And today’s name is Mike Pompeo. Yeah, we’ve been laughing at a tweet from Pompeo the other day. You’ve probably seen it. “I think parents should decide what their children are taught in schools. That is all.” LOL. Ok, Mikey.

Like can’t you just picture his Grimace-ass showing up at West Point with this dumbass attitude? Uh sir I’m Mike but people call me that fucking asshole piece of shit. This is my mommy and daddy. It’s ok to hate them for giving birth to me. They’re here to tell you what you’re allowed to teach me because my left ass cheek is the smartest thing about me and I'm just terrified of having my ideas challenged. It’s here that the instructor laughs a lot like Sgt. Hulka laughed in Stripes when Bill Murray’s John Winger said that Hulka was their platoon’s big toe. Then the instructor says — well Mr. and Mrs. Pompeo and shithead let’s see… can I teach your boy about honesty? The Pompeos: Oh we don’t think that’s a good idea. You see Mikey didn’t just eat paste. He tried to eat the other kids. Instructor: Ha ok well what about honor and love of country? Pompeos: Well you can try but he might be the actual devil because not only was one of those weird psycho kids who abused small animals but then we’d catch him having deranged tea parties with their little corpses. Instructor: Jesus Christ! Well can I at least teach him to wash himself? Pompeos: We’ve tried over and over again and the boy just likes to stink. We get the BO and the general decaying shit smell but the sulphur smell is throwing us for a loop. Instructor: So what exactly and I’m supposed to do with this pile of demonic diarrhea? Pompeos: We honestly don’t care but he’s your problem now. And scene. 

And we didn’t even get to the “that is all.” What kind of bag of dicks ends a tweet like that? Anyway, this dude sucks, and we thought we should make fun of him. Did we miss anything?

Note two: Believe it or not, the original version of that was even more twisted. 

Note three: So we’re not buying this shit. We’ll go to our graves knowing it was really Ted Cruz. More: TMZ

Note four: It is endlessly fucked up that Republicans are now proudly the party of abusers of women. We are not talking about this nearly enough. More: Washington Post

Note five: We don’t use the term game-changer very often because it is super douchey and it makes us think of that ridiculous Palin shit. But a malaria vaccine is a game-changer. It’s a life-saver. It’s a miracle. And it’ll be a great chance for the rest of the world to show they’re smarter and more welcoming of scientific breakthroughs than our dumb asses. More: New York Times

Note six: A Mussolini just won an election. That’s probably fine. We certainly won’t be able to say the signs haven’t been there all along. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Sigh. Joe Manchin sucks so so much. And Sinema is somehow even worse. Like um why are they even Democrats? Were they inspired to join the party by Zell Miller? Did you see Bernie taking it to them? Yeah, we enjoyed that too. But also, brace yourselves for the possibility that the two assholes are gonna sink everything we worked for. More: Axios, Axios II

Note eight: Zell Miller. LOL. Now that’s a deep cut. 

Note nine: So we saw the new Ryan Reynolds movie Free Guy, and it is a freaking delight. Seriously, you gotta check it out. Just a reminder that we’re not being paid to say this, but we would happily sell out in a hot second and take all the Hollywood cash they want to give us. 

Note 10: Speaking of selling out, if you’re new to sexy patriotism and this newsletter, then you might notice that we never link to Politico. Well there are a couple of reasons for that. For one, we heard they steal wheelchairs from sick children and then sell them to hospitals. Yeah, it’s pretty messed up. The second reason is that they are right-wing trash. Our boycott started when they had Ben Shapiro’s little punk ass guest edit Playbook. And today, as we’re learning shocking details of Trump’s attempted coup, they led Playbook with more bullshit about Hunter Biden. So yeah, fuck Politico. And may God bless their many little victims. 

Note 11: Wait. People’s trust in the media is falling? Is it all the lying? Is it all the bootlicking? Is it attacking Joe Biden for mourning his dead children? We’re really stumped here. More: Gallup

Note 12: Now this is some great news from Pfizer. Let’s do this so our children can get back to partying their little asses off too. More: Associated Press

Note 13: They didn’t even investigate voter fraud! Which makes sense considering they couldn’t even figure out the right Four Seasons and we all saw Rudy have diarrhea out of his face. More: CNN

Note 14: We seriously love our vice president. And this is her most important mission. More: NBC News

Note 15: NATO is getting tough with Russia. It’s nice to see someone is. More: Axios

Note 16: So we love to laugh at Republicans, but this Mike Pence shit is getting sad. Like how do you make fun of a guy who has this little self-esteem? Is it wrong that we kinda want to see Trump make him eat some dog poo? Or give himself a wedgie? Or a bunch of other degrading shit? More: Washington Post

Note 17: This is the most American shit we’ve ever seen. Here’s a bunch of money so kids can go to school safely during a pandemic. Sweet, we’re getting a new football field! More: Associated Press

Note 18: We’re gonna talk more in a minute about Chuck Grassley’s decrepit ass, but seriously how fucked up and how fucking racist is this shit? More: Huff Post

Note 19: LA is not fucking around with vaccine mandates. Or with the St. Louis Cardinals. More: Associated Press

Note 20: So we have a deal to raise the debt ceiling until December. We’re being told that McConnell blinked and this is a win for Democrats, but it looks to us like they were worried they weren’t going to be able to leave for recess so they just pushed the pain two months down the road. Sigh. We’re not gonna judge. We’re not gonna cuss. We’re just gonna go back to work. More: CNBC

Note 21: Ok, sexiest of patriots, let’s get to the news! We hope y’all are having a kick ass week, and we can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Love y’all!

Seriously. Lock him up.

So the Senate Judiciary released its report on Trump’s attempt to overthrow the government, and it found that Trump pressured DOJ NINE FUCKING TIMES to overturn the election results or call them fraudulent. The committee has reported Jeffrey Clark to the D.C. bar for disbarment and suggested the Jan. 6 committee look into Rep. Scott Perry of Pennsylvania for driving a lot of this evil shit. Republicans, however, put out a report from Grassley saying Trump didn’t do anything wrong at all because they didn’t actually follow through with their coup attempt. So yeah, maybe everyone should stop treating these disgraced traitors like normal goddamn political players. More: New York Times, CNN, Washington Post

Um WTF

So um Merrick Garland is not our favorite. But now he’s GETTING ENDORSED BY DONALD GODDAMN TRUMP AS A “GOOD MAN!” So yeah we obviously screwed up royally by making this chicken shit our AG. Because when the world’s biggest criminal is praising you, then you are not a good attorney general. More: Raw Story

A reprieve

A federal judge has paused and eviscerated the Texas abortion law, winning praise from the White House and that wimp that Trump called a good man. We fear it is only temporary though as Texas scumbags have already appealed to their buddies in the Fifth Circuit. Fingers crossed for freedom and sanity. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips

The White House proposed restoring parts of one of the nation’s bedrock environmental laws Wednesday, requiring agencies to conduct a climate analysis of major projects and give affected communities greater input into the process. More: Washington Post

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