Today's Big Stuff 10.6.22

10.6.22

It’s Thursday. There are 33 days until the midterm elections. The Secret Service is not so secretly a disaster, Herschel Walker doesn’t seem to be telling the truth and hoping Biden goes Dark Brandon on Saudi Arabia.

Be advised: This newsletter has a really dirty mouth. But its feet are surprisingly clean.

Note: What’s shakin’, Sexy Patriots? How in this mad world are you doing today? That good? We believe it. You smell like a million bucks. Us? We’re good too. Any time we see the emergence of Dark Brandon, a deadly but folksy mix of a groundhog and John Wick, we get all delighted and giggle like school kids. This has had us grinning for hours…

Goddamn right, bubba! Well if y’all enjoyed that, you’re in for a treat. We got the rest of the conversation between the two men, and it’ll blow your mind…

Biden: No one fucks with a Biden.

Mayor: Yeah goddamn right.

Biden: And if those dirty motherfuckers keep kissing Russian ass and raising gas prices and attacking the Captiol, I’m gonna rip off their heads and shit down their fucking necks.

Mayor: (laughs nervously) um yeah goddamn right.

Biden: Then I’m gonna go to their fucking house and burn those goddamn motherfuckers to the ground and smoke a fucking cigar while I watch their fucking asses burn.

Mayor: Good lord.

Biden: Yeah, fuck those assholes. Fuck their ugly fucking families. And fuck their ugly fucking pets.

Mayor: Um sir…

Biden: Not so sleepy now, am I, motherfucker?

Mayor: No sir. You give ‘em hell.

Wow! Dark Brandon is a bad mofo! And while that transcript is totally made up and mostly for the goddamn prudes over at Politico who whine about Brandon’s dirty mouth, the reality is we need to be super fucking tough as we fight these last few weeks. So let’s follow Dark Brandon’s lead and remember that no one fucks with America.

Note two: We want to take a second to say a HUUUUGE thank you to Mary Trump. Not only is Mary fighting her tangerine-taint-faced uncle every damn day, she’s also been a huge TBS supporter and we are super fucking grateful. Thank you, Mary!!!

Note three: You know what’s really crazy? Republican Senate candidates are such a serial-killer-shitting-himself disaster that the guy who tortured and killed puppies ain’t even the main story this week. More: Business Insider

Note four: So Elon’s twitter deal seems up in the air. If we had to guess, we’d say he still buys it, probably with Russian and Saudi money. And yes, that would be very fucking bad. We’re like two years away from TBS being the only real news outlet left. And we can NOT handle that pressure. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: Oh great. Now we gotta worry about a right-wing nutjob shit-eating candidate in Oregon. It’s like treasonous dumbfuck whack-a-mole. More: Huff Post

Note six: There is a Mitch McConnell sex toy. It’s been produced as part of a pro-choice statement. We still can’t bring ourselves to show it to you or even talk about it anymore. Excuse us while we go throw up in the shower.

Note seven: So this is what the battle for the House looks like right now. In other words, we’ve got to close stronger than we’ve ever closed before.

Note eight: So this shit really is fucking terrifying. A majority of Republicans running for office — 299 of those assholes — deny the 2020 election results. America is pretty much toast if we don’t stop these silly fuckers. More: Washington Post

Note nine: We’re beginning to think Hugh Hewitt is a pathetic gutless kiss-ass.

Note 10: Wanna hear something shocking? Herschel Walker didn’t sue the Daily Beast yesterday.

Note 11: If he’d been a cosmonaut, Republicans would be kissing his ass. More:

Note 12: Y’all get the new booster yet? How about a flu shot? We need y’all safe and healthy if we’re gonna save American democracy, so go get them jabs.

Note 13: Michigan Republicans have completely lost their minds. Actually, they lost their minds years ago. What they’ve lost now is the jar of pickle juice with the turd in it that they used as minds. More: Detroit News

Note 14: It’s real easy to get distracted down the home stretch or deflated when you see a bunch of evil bullshit. So just remember this — 66 abortion clinics in 15 states have closed since Republicans destroyed Roe. If we lose, it will get worse. More: CBS News

Note 15: Hey, Siri, what’s the most horrific tone-deaf and just plain unnerving thing a political candidate who’s been accused by his son of domestic abuse could say?

Note 16: Texas judges are still fucking with Dreamers. Thank goodness we have a president and vice president who are standing with them. More: CNN

Note 17: We want to take a second to congratulate Velma from Scooby-Doo on her coming out. We think all people — real or animated — should feel free and welcome to be themselves. And we have to say this because a bunch of little-dicked losers are actually spending time being mad about this. More: Variety

Note 18: We’re still waiting for Scooby and Shaggy to be honest about that smoke coming out of the Mystery Machine. We all know what you’re doing back there, guys!

Note 19: Remember when the press told us Glenn Youngkin was just a lovable moderate? Yeah, tell that to the cop his aide allegedly assaulted. More: Huff Post

Note 20: Alrighty, you gorgeous SPs, let’s do this news thang and rock the rest of this Thursday. We sure do love y’all, and we’re damn grateful you joined us today. Please have a blessed one.

WTF?!

Remember how the Secret Service helped cover up Trump’s role in an attack on the U.S. Capitol and smeared a brave young whistleblower and deleted their texts after the attack and really just sucked in about a million different ways? Well they also wrecked a car that the VP was in and then didn’t tell the truth about it. It’s truly insane that we have to worry about keeping the president and the vice president safe from the Secret Service. More: Washington Post

Herschel’s horseshit

So after lying that he had no idea who the woman was who said he paid for her abortion, Herschel Walker was again exposed yesterday after the woman told the Daily Beast she is the mother of one of his other kids. Herschel then went on Hugh Hewitt’s show this morning and denied it and then said there’s nothing to be ashamed of if it’s true. Well, we agree, Herschel. EXCEPT YOUR DUMB ASS WANTS TO TAKE THAT CHOICE AWAY FROM EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! More: Huff Post

Summon the darkness, Brandon

So for years the U.S. has looked the other way on Saudi Arabia’s human rights abuses and the role they played in attacking the U.S. on Sept. 11, 2001. The deal was we needed some stability in the Middle East and we had the oil folks on our side if a big war ever came down. But now that Russia has attacked Ukraine, the Saudis have decided to go Team Putin/Trump. While the cost of oil hasn’t risen since yesterday’s announcement like we feared, we have seen the real Saudi Arabia, and we’re seeing Democrats in Congress call for Joe Biden to go Dark Brandon on their asses. You want to fuck us on oil? Cool. No more air force, fuckers. More: Axos

Today’s clips

A former policeman facing a drug charge burst into a day care center in northeastern Thailand on Thursday, killing dozens of preschoolers and teachers before shooting more people as he fled in the deadliest rampage in the nation’s history. More: Huff Post

Just weeks after Ron DeSantis made a very public display of his efforts to keep migrants from coming to Florida, Hurricane Ian’s destruction is drawing a growing number of immigrants to the Republican governor’s state. More: CNN

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