Today's Big Stuff 10.5.22

10.5.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 34 days until the midterm elections. Trump asks his SCOTUS pals for a favor, Republicans rally around the abortion abuser football guy and some praise for an American badass.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. And it has a mean side-eye.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, do you think every goddamn day in October is gonna be as crazy as the last few have been? Yeah, we think so too. We all need to buckle up for some genuinely fucked up shit to come down the river for the next few weeks. And maybe just forever. 

If you’re like us, you spent a few moments yesterday pondering what it means for the resistance (and maybe even for this sexy cussing newsletter) after twitter is purchased and taken private by a Putin-loving Rogan-humping dysfunctional freakshow. The answer we came up with is who the hell knows? Not us. So we decided we’re gonna approach this shit the same way we’ve been approaching America since about January 2016 — We belong here, and we ain’t leaving without a fight. 

Now, do we expect twitter to become an absolute cesspool of incels and other stank ass malcontents speaking some kind of loser nazi language that only makes sense to them and the FBI? Of course we do. And if that happens, then we’ll read all that awful shit so you don’t have to and then we’ll wash our eyes out with tears of laughter at their spelling. (Don’t look at us like that. Nazi assholes spell way worse than we do.) 

The main thing is to keep a sexy upper lip. Sorry. Stiff. A stiff upper lip. Doesn’t sound much better does it? But yeah, don’t let the assholes see you sweat. These twisted shitstains are trying to wear us down. They’re throwing everything they’ve got at us. And we’re still here. And we’re gonna be here, fighting like hell like the stubborn shitheads we are. We’re Americans goddamnit. We’re too dumb to quit. Love y’all. Except you, Elon. You fucking suck, dude.

Note two: Annnnnd we’re back to politics. In case there was even a shred of doubt left, Republicans were completely full of shit when they claimed to be “pro-life.” Like septic tanks with serial killer eyes. 

Note three: Go back and tell yourself as a kid that you’ll be rooting for satanists to save us from Donald Trump’s cruel anti-abortion legacy. More: Axios

Note four: Just a quick word about that last note — we don’t mean to be critical of satanists. They seem cool to us. And as Bart Simpson said, “All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.”

Note five: This newsletter is a weird one. But no weirder than Republicans sending Newt “Open Marriage” Gingrich out to defend Herschel Walker. Maybe they just want to remind Republican voters that they always vote for soulless scumbags and so Herschel won’t be any different.

Note six: Hey, so um, we don’t want to fuck up your Wednesday. But the Pennsylvania Senate race is getting close. That’s what happens when Fox News decides to destroy someone with lies and bullshit. If you’ve got anything left to give, that’s a damn good spot to give it.

Note seven: It’s so weird that Herschel Walker didn’t sue the Daily Beast yesterday like he said he was gonna. Is it possible he was lying? 

Note eight: How much does Jupiter Dingleberry Vance suck? (We’re sorry. We still don’t know his real name.) Well a group of Ohio Republicans are campaigning around the state and their message is stop Jezebel Doodledick. Was that one at least close? More: Ohio Capital Journal

Note nine: What The Onion did with the Supreme Court is further proof of its brilliance. What the cops did to the plaintiff is further proof this country is fuuuuuuuuucked. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Did we use plaintiff right? ‘Cause we are sure as hell not lawyers. 

Note 11: Did y’all see DeSantis say that the media wanted a hurricane to hit Florida? He was probably trying to distract from something embarrassing. But what could it be?

Note 12: Every single time we’ve seen that picture for the last two days, we’ve heard Jim Carrey in our heads yelling “KILLER BOOTS, MAN!” It’s like he’s wearing two Dukakis tank helmets on his feet. LOL.

Note 13: We know better than to say anything nice about the New York Yankees, but we dig baseball history and want to congratulate Aaron Judge. More: ESPN

Note 14: Ron Johnson, who has repeatedly said he was only involved in the insurrection against the United States of America for like two seconds, finally admitted to texting with a Trump lawyer on Jan. 6. Can we please beat this asshole? More: NBC News

Note 15: Another National Guardsman sent to the Southern border by Greg Abbott has died of a suspected suicide. What Abbott and other Republican governors are doing is cruel to everyone. Including our troops. More: Texas Tribune

Note 16: Speaking of Texas, do we think Ken Paxton will run from this order like he ran from the subpoena? More: Texas Tribune

Note 17: Man, Florida is a fucking mess. Republicans down there love girls’ sports so much that they want to check your kid’s genitals and track their period to keep the games pure. HOW INSANELY FUCKED UP IS THAT SHIT?!!!!

Note 18: Well that’s fucking great. Trump’s Saudi friends are cutting oil production so gas prices will go up before the midterms. Can someone please tell us why we’re nice to these assholes? More: Axios

Note 19: Holy shit this looks fucking awesome! 

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s go do some news and then get back to this humping hump day. And try not to sweat the twitter stuff too much. It’ll be a cold day in hell before we tremble before a goddamn super dork. Have a blessed day. 

Just a little favor

So Trump took his loss at the 11th Circuit to the Supreme Court. Because Clarence Thomas oversees the 11th Circuit, he gave the government a week to respond. Like we said, we’re not lawyers. But this looks like more bullshit from a man who is clearly guilty and the only reason we’re even wondering if it’ll work is because before he stole these classified documents from the United States he rigged the court with a bunch of zealots and scumbags. Yay America. More: CNN

They were lying the whole time?!

So as Dana the Dirtbag so eloquently showed us in that disturbing clip up top, Republicans were totally full of shit when it came to being opposed to abortion. They simply wanted to control women. So yesterday all those “pro-life” groups and Republican politicians formed a protective circle around Herschel Walker who you may have heard paid for an abortion for his girlfiend. And Rev. Sen. Warnock is a reverend. And this race is close. It’s like we’re in a fucking sno-globe of stupid and some goddamn giant keeps shaking it up. More: Huff Post

A legend in the making

This week, history got its first look at Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. And history took note. Yesterday the justice delivered an eloquent and powerful history lesson for some lying pieces of shit before (and on) the court. Republicans have the numbers to continue their shameless destruction of the Voting Rights Act. But Justice Jackson, along with Justices Kagan and Sotomayor, aren’t going to let them do it without calling that shit out. What we’re learning this week is that the court’s minority will not be quiet as the majority wages its war on America. More: NBC News

Today’s clips

Election workers in seven states are experiencing unprecedented threats ahead of next month’s midterm elections ― an increase from the already heightened levels of harassment since the 2020 election. More: Huff Post

But Iran’s protesters, and their supporters, are defiant. For weeks, a nationwide protest movement has relentlessly gathered momentum and appears to have blunted the government’s decades-old intimidation tactics. Slogans against the clerical leadership echo throughout the city. Videos of schoolgirls waving their headscarves in the air as they sing protest songs in classrooms have gone viral, as have images of protesters fighting back against members of the formidable paramilitary group Basij. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.