Today's Big Stuff 10.5.21

10.5.21

It’s Tuesday. There are 28 days until this year’s elections and 399 days until the midterm elections. Biden heads to Michigan to sell his agenda to a public that already wants it done, the White House reverses a bullshit Trump abortion rule and we’re not real sure to make of Merrick Garland.

Be advised: This newsletter has lots of cuss words and typos. We’re sorry for the typos, but not the facking cuss words.

Note: Good day to you, sexy patriots. Every once in a while, something happens that causes the whole world to stop and pay attention. And yesterday, that something was what we’re calling The BLOP. Yes, Facebook and all Facebook products went down. For hours. Birds started singing again, vaccine rates soared and families were reunited. We all got a little news horny at the idea of Zuck losing billions and crying and peeing his underoos. Crazy uncles everywhere began to worry they might not be able to really fuck up the holidays, Ben Shapiro had to be talked off the ledge of a bathroom sink and the Trump family was learning how to add typos to smoke signals. It was really something to behold. All across the world, this machine that kills people and tears people apart and tells you when your kinda sorta friends’ birthdays are came crashing down. It disappeared from our lives in an instant. And just like that, millions of people’s heads were suddenly and violently expelled from their own asses. BLOP! It shook the world. Shit-covered anti-vaxxers and white supremacists were seen walking into lamp posts while the rest of us made jokes and either felt smug about having deleted/never had Facebook or lied about deleting/never having Facebook and wondered if we’d lost some old pictures and family members forever. Anyway, it only lasted about six hours. And then you know what happened... BLOP!

Note two: LOL, yeah they apparently sound the same going back in. And we know what you’re thinking — damn this is lazy, TBS, and btw you’re super hot, but you just did a long joke last week about Sinema and Manchin having their heads stuck up their asses and seriously you’re hot for a newsletter but are you already out of jokes or are you just lazy? Well, first, thank you. Second, isn’t your question really more of a commentary on where we are as a society and not anybody’s laziness or affection for ass jokes? Exactly.

Note three: Say congratulations to the poor people of Missouri. They’re finally getting access to affordable healthcare even after state Republicans did everything they could to stop it. Want to piss off a Republican? Live. More: CNN

Note four: It doesn’t happen often, but BLOP made us make ourselves laugh. lol

Note five: This story says the Georgia investigation into Trump is heating up, and obviously that shit makes us drool. But we have a question — what’s to stop a boot-licking Republican governor from pardoning Trump? Sorry if we bummed y’all out. We really don’t know the answer though. More: The Guardian

Note six: Y’all are smart and cool so you already know this but VACCINES SAVE LIVES. More: CNN

Note seven: Yesterday was a big day for the New York Times. They finally met the real Mitch McConnell and discovered that he’s a soulless monster who will happily kill 6 million American jobs because of politics. Must have been a jarring experience for them. More: New York Times

Note eight: We will never get over how the press just glossed over Trump’s surrender and lunacy in Afghanistan in their rush to blame it all on Biden. It was really some of the worst fucking journalism we’ve ever seen. And after the last five years, that’s really saying something. More: CNN

Note nine: So sure, this is probably what it looks like and dumbshit Trumpies are booing the vaccine. But is it really outside the realm of possibility that they were just booing Lindsey Graham? We do it every time we type his goddamn name. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Hey Johnson & Johnson people, they’re playing your song. Moderna people should continue feeling invincible and thanking Dolly Parton for it. More: CNN

Note 11: Is it actually possible that people are finally going after the dirtbag lawyers who tried to overthrow the government? More: The Hill, Washington Post

Note 12: When the war on Christmas does come, we’ve got dibs on taking out Santa. We’re gonna take our time, and we’re gonna enjoy it. We’re gonna teach that sonofabitch a few lessons about putting cussing newsletters on his naughty list. Adam is still waiting for his fucking Cabbage Patch Doll. More: Washington Post

Note 13: We’re just kidding, Santa, please forgive us.

Note 14: Even Texans think the new Texas abortion law is batshit crazy. And they’re Texans! More: NPR

Note 15: So y’all know we’re big women’s soccer fans. And what we’ve been learning about the NWSL has made us sick to our goddamn stomachs. If there’s anyone who can get to the bottom of this nightmare, it’s Sally Yates. More: The Hill

Note 16: We’ve read lots of stories about Trump running again. We can’t remember a single one of them that has talked about Trump’s defamation cases from women he allegedly assaulted (we’ll say allegedly here but y’all know what’s up). Seems like any other presidential candidate in the world would have to answer for that shit. But it also seems like people who sexually assault women and try to overthrow the government shouldn’t be running in the first place. More: ABC News

Note 17: If you’ve been reading us for a while, you know we are Bubba Wallace fans. After that shit happened with what looked like a noose tied up in his garage, we started following his career. And yesterday he got his first win. It was an historic day for Bubba and for NASCAR and we’re celebrating. More: CNN

Note 18: Are we sure Stephen Breyer and Joe Manchin aren’t the same person? A goofy out of touch white asshole with zero self awareness? Oh those are a dime a dozen? Cool. More: CNN

Note 19: Dr. Collins is retiring from NIH. Sure it was long planned, but we heard the mole people teamed up with some dickhead from Venus to force him out. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Jesus Henry Christ. Can we like take up a collection to get Mike Pence some fucking self-respect? More: Mediaite

Note 21: Wanna know why Republicans stopped taking COVID seriously early on? More: CNN

Note 22: Oprah says she has three friends. And we can’t tell y’all just how hurt we were to learn that we aren’t one of them. It’s like that time we didn’t meet meant nothing to her. It’s ok. We still love you, O! More: Buzzfeed

Note 23: We don’t normally do birthdays around here, but we wanted to wish a happy one to our friend Rex Chapman. Rex is a former basketball superstar (from the same Kentucky hometown as Sam) who had a fall from grace and has rebounded in the most spectacular way. He's a friend of the underdog, he’s a friend of democracy and he’s a friend of ours. Have a very happy birthday, Rexclamation Point!

Note 24: Ok, we have gone on a little long today. We’re even pushing some notes until tomorrow. We hope your week got off to a strong start, and we just know you’re gonna have a wonderful Tuesday. We love y’all, and we hope you’re loving yourself.

On the road again

Today the president is heading to Michigan to once again rally the American people to support legislation they desperately want and that a couple of Washington assholes are holding up. Maybe the next trip should be to Arizona. Sinema continues to be the biggest concern as we try to get a deal. Manchin is showing tiny hints of flexibility, but the Arizona senator seems determined to become John McCain in her own warped mind. If she does agree to anything at all — and that’s a giant if — stop thinking $3.5 trillion and start thinking around $2 trillion. More: Associated Press

Big reversal

The Biden administration this week reversed a Trump-era rule that barred clinics that advised abortions from getting federal funds. The new rule will go into effect early next month. It’s good to see the White House making efforts on this, but we need more. A lot more. More: CNN

Whither Merrick?

So we’re just not sure what to make of this dude. We’ve been trying to keep our powder dry, and we love to see that he’s instructing the FBI and U.S. Attorneys to start dealing with threats to schools and teachers. But why are judges having to impose jail sentences for Jan. 6 terrorists that the government isn’t asking for? And why when he was asked about it, did Garland act like people who want accountability are the same as people who think these scumbags are political prisoners? We’re not gonna render a final verdict yet, but to us, Garland seems like one of Biden’s biggest missteps. More: CNN, NBC News, Huff Post, Buzzfeed News

Today’s clips

Former White House strategist Steve Bannon on Monday dug in on this threat that Donald Trump-loyal “shock troops” will move to “deconstruct” the federal government the minute a Republican takes over the Oval Office again. More: Huff Post

A top lawyer at the State Department left his job Friday and excoriated President Biden’s deportations of migrants at the southern border, calling the policy “inhumane” and “illegal.” More: Washington Post

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