Today’s Big Stuff 10.4.22

Today’s Big Stuff 10.4.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 35 days until the midterm elections. Herschel Walker is pro-choice, a real president brings real help to Puerto Rico and Mississippi is about to have a lot more babies. 

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. We’re trying to teach it to give the finger too.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in the wide world of sports are you today? Shocked at how crazy October is already? Yeah, we figured we’d ease into October with some Hocus Pocus 2 and some pumpkin spice whatever but yesterday we learned that Herschel Walker paid for an abortion and “Dr.” Oz went all American Psycho on a bunch of puppies.

Yikes times 10!!! That got us thinking — what other puppy-killing skeletons do these twisted fucks have in their closets? So we decided to do a little pretend digging and find out what scandals some of the lesser-known Republican Senate candidates are hiding…

Washington State: Candidate Tiffany Smiley arrested for attacking Capitol on Jan. 4th, got her dates confused and tried to beat a Capitol police officer with a lit sprinkler 

South Dakota: John Thune has been kissing McConnell’s ass for so long now he’s completely addicted to huffing turtle ass fumes

Alaska: Lisa Murkowski claims to be a moderate but helped engineer the destruction of Roe 

Oregon: Jo Rae Perkins is a real person we’re not making up

Maryland: Chris Chaffee told the teacher we had homework and then told her he should be in charge of her medical decisions 

Illinois: Kathy Salvi puts ketchup on hot dogs and gets it all over her klan robe

Kentucky: Rand Paul is a miserable treasonous douchebag still whining about his neighbor whooping his ass

We thought that’d be funnier than it was. But once again we ran into the harsh comedic reality that every time we accuse a Republican of eating their own shit, they crack open a homemade poop krispy treat and start chowing down. Regardless, Republican Senate candidates are dumb and dangerous and we should do everything we can to beat them. Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: Do you have an early voting plan? Do you have a plan to help others? Are you knocking on doors? Are you keeping a safe distance from “Dr.” Oz?

Note three: File this under it’s not funny but it’s pretty funny.

Note four: We don’t pretend to be Supreme Court experts. We just know that it’s broken and corrupt and taking freedom away from lots of Americans. But from what we hear, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson had an awesome first day and today she went in on the motherfuckers trying to finish off the Voting Rights Act. More: NBC News

Note five: That thing about Oz is really really fucked up. More: Jezebel

Note six: We’re like a month out from a major election and several Republican candidates are closing with a warning that kids are acting like dogs and cats and seriously how the effing fuck are we supposed to make fun of these morons? More: CNN

Note seven: The Senate race in Pennsylvania we keep talking about sure seems to have tightened (do Pennsylvanians really think Fetterman was in the Crips?), but bless John Fetterman and his campaign for keeping this shit hilarious.

Note eight: Have you checked your voter registration status? Have your friends checked theirs?

Note nine: We’ve always known Elon Musk is a cowardly d-bag who ain’t the genius we’re all supposed to believe he is. But watching him kiss Putin’s ass yesterday really sealed it for us. More: CNN

Note 10: He did invent a new way for Ukrainians to remind us all how badass they are though. More: CNBC

Note 11: The governor of New Hampshire is sending National Guard troops to the Southern border. Someone wanna get that dumb motherfucker a map? More: WMUR

Note 12: That’s so weird. We have the same shirt except ours says “Kanye can eat shit.”

Note 13: Planned Parenthood is launching a mobile abortion clinic that will go right outside the border of red taliban states. On the one hand we applaud their compassion and ingenuity. On the other hand we’re fucking livid that they’ve got to do this shit in this fucking country in the fucking year 2022. More: NPR

Note 14: Goddamnit. RIP Loretta Lynn. One of the best to ever do it. More: The Guardian

Note 15: Um, Trump asked his aides if Ghislane Maxwell asked about him? Can anyone remind us why the fuck the White House press gave him a pass when all that shit went down and he wished her well? More: Daily Beast

Note 16: The reporter who broke the Walker story was praised for his bravery. This was his response. Maybe there’s hope for the press after all.

Note 17: Something fucking crazy has happened — we’re feeling sorry for Christian Walker.

Note 18: This morning Ron Johnson did an event where he said Jan. 6 wasn’t an armed insurrection, but protesters did “teach us” how to use the American flag as a weapon. How the fuck is this deranged idiot winning? Oh yeah. Racism. NO LINK

Note 19: Y’all know we’re big women’s soccer fans. So we were fucking horrified yesterday to read some of Sally Yates’s report about abuse in women’s soccer. We hope some of these fuckers have their lives ruined and then burn in hell. More: ESPN

Note 20: Hocus Pocus 2 was really fun. 

Note 21: And on that note, let’s hit the news section. We’re really bummed those fake October surprises weren’t any funnier, but have you see that Christian Walker video from this morning? How the hell are we supposed to top that? Oh well, we hope your week is off to an awesome start. Love y’all!

Oh Herschel

So yeah, Herschel Walker, who called a preacher a murderer for supporting abortion rights, paid for one of his girlfriends to have an abortion. Unfortunately for Walker, she kept the receipt and a get-well card. Walker has gone into full on denial mode and the GOP is sticking with him because they are full of shit. After all, they didn’t want to take his rights away. Just those of the women he impregnates. If you want to give to Sen. Rev. Warnock, this seems like a good day to do it. 

More: AJC

Dark Brandon Island Edition

Yesterday Joe and Jill Biden visited storm-ravaged Puerto Rico and they did a lot more than throw some paper towels at some hurting Americans. Not only is this White House helping Puerto Rico recover from this latest hurricane, but Biden announced $60 million in funding to try and get in front of the storms’ destruction by modernizing the electrical grid. Thanks, Brandon.

More: NPR

Forced baby boom

This is important journalism and we need to see more of it — the Mississippi Free Press talked to officials who are estimating the Magnolia State will see an increase of at least another 5,000 babies born every year, and the state is in no way prepared to provide care for them. This was always the Republican plan — forced birth with no help. Unless you’re a former football star. Big thanks to the Mississippi Free Press for offering a story like this. 

Today’s clips

With the historic case that they had brought against Oath Keepers accused of plotting to attack the US Capitol on January 6, 2021, prosecutors framed up how the jury should think about the allegations with an hour-plus opening statement that kicked off the trial in earnest. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.