Today's Big Stuff 10.4.21

10.4.21

It’s Monday. There are 29 days until the 2021 general election (!) and there are 400(!) days until the midterm elections. The Supreme Court takes a break from its angry PR tour to screw up America some more, Facebook is the actual devil and Democrats get back to work on Capitol Hill.

Be advised: This newsletter contains a shitload of cussing and an even shittier load of typos. Shittier load? That doesn’t seem right. Damnit!

Note: Well hey there, sexy patriots. Did y’all somehow get sexier over the weekend? Or more patriotic? Well whatever you’re doing, it’s working this fine Monday. Us? Yeah, we also got sexier this weekend. Very kind of you to notice. Other than that, our week is off to a normal start. We woke up on a talking cloud, peed all over our cereal, put a boot on as a hat and then made love to a rusty wood chipper. What’s that you say? No, we haven’t lost what’s left our minds. We mean it. Please put the phone down. Now please put that giant cartoon butterfly net down. We just figured we’d go ahead and give you some news that makes about as much sense as the crazy shit coming out of Washington these days. Want an example? Steve Bannon is pacing back and forth outside of the White House with a baseball bat with a nail in it and a t-shirt that says “I’m here to overthrow the government” and the news media is like ugh there goes Joe Biden being a decent human being again and trying to fulfill the agenda the American people voted for that will actually help lots of people what an asshole. Did you see that Washington Post reporter take a picture of Joe Biden at the cemetery where his dead children are buried and tweet that he was walking “through a graveyard in Wilmington as his legislative agenda is dying in Washington?”

Like what the effing motherfreaking fuck, right?! Don’t worry. She deleted it and apologized. Feel better?

It’s at a time like this, when the sky is polka-dot and the grass is balloons that we want to remind you smoking hot freedom fighters of one very important thing — you’re not crazy; they are. Seriously. The whole goddamn world is a puppy poo inside a flaming brown paper bag and people are cheering for the fire and the stink, inhaling so deep it makes their noses bleed and their brains turn to shit. So it’s ok to wonder if you’ve lost your marbles, but we assure y’all that it ain’t you. More: NBC News

Note two: Did y’all see the wall-to-wall coverage of this weekend’s marches for women’s reproductive rights? Yeah, we didn’t either, and that’s some bullshit. Thank you to everyone who showed up. Republicans should be really goddamn afraid of the giant they have awakened. More: USA Today, Associated Press

Note three: Remember that asshole who ran for the U.S. Senate and said women didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant because their bodies shut down if it’s “legitimate rape?” What a fucked up sentence to type out. Anyway, he’s dead. Legitimately. More: Associated Press

Note four: Trump is telling people he’s running again and he’s begging a Florida judge to give him his twitter account back. Yeah, it’s pathetic and cringey and a grown ass man should be embarrassed by this shit. But we gotta remember to take this shithead seriously — even when we’re laughing at him. More: Washington Post, NBC News

Note five: The NRA loves death so much it’s even rooting for its own. Or so it seems. Why the hell else would you re-elect insanely corrupt leadership. Oh well, we’re not exactly complaining. And it ain’t like there’s a long line of decent people clamoring to get those gigs. More: CNN

Note six: Just a reminder that an economic recovery, isn’t a recovery for everyone. We still have a lot of work to do. More: NBC News

Note seven: Are there any good songs about October? We’re really missing the Earth, Wind and Fire starts to our day.

Note eight: What’s the opposite of breaking news? How about Ted Cruz fucking sucks. Yep, that’s the opposite of breaking news. More: New York Times

Note nine: Anybody else wanna see Alex Jones die flat broke in a gutter? Yeah, us too. And so does God. She hates that fucking lunatic. More: CNBC

Note 10: It is insane what Texas is doing to Texas women. Just fucking insane. Also, why the hell was this a one-day national news story? Can we pretend this is as bad as ending a 20-year war? More: NPR

Note 11: In America in the year 2021, religious fanatics want to prosecute a librarian for putting books about gay people in a library. We were promised flying cars, and instead we’re sprinting backwards in time to the invention of the wheel and bigotry. More: Associated Press

Note 12: So the Arizona fraudit con artists literally just made up numbers. The giveaway was when they used “eleventy.” More: New York Times

Note 13: Oh and that same stupid show is coming to a Wisconsin near you as we speak. More: Washington Post

Note 14: So we don’t want to scare the ever-living shit out of you this Monday, but we’re gonna anyway. More: USA Today

Note 15: Well lookie here, the Koch Brothers are being these insane anti-masks in school pushes. It really is incalculable just how much damage those sonsofbitches have done to this country. More: Washington Post

Note 16: This month Democrats are making sure fewer people are hungry. We’re not perfect, but we’re sure as hell not the same as Republicans. More: CNN

Note 17: We’re not as hip as we used to be, but we do know that Billie Eilish is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 18: Anybody else kinda wondering what dirt is gonna come out on Kristi Noem this week? Last week’s was pretty damn juicy.

Note 19: So we’re not gonna give anyone shit over this, especially a frightened young migrant activist, but we probably shouldn’t follow senators into bathrooms. Of course, senators should hold town halls and remember that they work for the people and not their fucking donors. And yes, we think Sen. Sinema is about two seconds away from switching parties. But not until she torpedoes everything we voted for and dooms us to a midterm massacre.

Note 20: So that last note wasn’t exactly a pep talk, and we’re sorry about that. The truth is we’re gonna work our asses off to keep the House and grow our margin in the Senate. And we know everyone of you gorgeous mofos are gonna do the same. We hope you had an awesome weekend, and we just know you’re gonna kick so much ass this week. We love y’all! Let’s get to the news…

SCOTUS SUCKSUS

That sounded way dirtier than we meant it to. We just mean they really suck. And apparently they know it. The new term of the highest court kicks off today. Right-wing Republican operatives in robes will rule more on guns and abortion and charter school vouchers, and then they’ll do another PR tour to tell the American people that they’re not actually craven political operative and it just looks that way. Well we ain’t buying that shit anymore. Expand the court! More: CNN, Washington Post

Fuck Facebook

Yeah, we mean that one. Frances Haugen is the Facebook whistleblower and she is letting it all out. On 60 Minutes last night, Haugen laid out just how horrible that company is. Either by making eating disorders and body image issues worse for young women or by helping foster an attack on the United States Capitol, Facebook always does the wrong thing because they make more money that way. Now what are we gonna do about it? More: CBS News, Associated Press, Yahoo Finance

Back to it

After Sinema and the other performative Democratic centrist Josh Gottheimer spent the weekend attacking their own party and being just all around dicks, Democrats are getting back to work today. Schumer sent out a letter this morning saying the new deadlines to get all this shit done is this month, except the debt ceiling which has to be done like this week before the Oct. 18 deadline. We still have a lot of faith in our leadership to get all of this stuff done. But we are really fucking worried about those performative centrists and just how eager they are to sink all of our hard work. Stay tuned. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Washington Post III

Today’s clips

The nation’s top infectious-disease expert, Anthony S. Fauci, says the United States is “turning the corner” on the latest surge in the coronavirus pandemic, as the White House touts a high weekend vaccination rate fueled by vaccine requirements and booster shots. More: Washington Post

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