Today's Big Stuff 10.26.21

10.26.21

It’s Tuesday. There is ONE FREAKING WEEK until this year’s elections and 378 days until the midterm elections. Border Patrol agents get away with some gross shiz, Biden is putting a Republican in charge of election security at DHS and the GOP rallies around protecting billionaires.

Be advised: Today’s newsletter was edited by a tic-tac-toe playing chicken. Sorry about all the facking typos.

Note: Ahoy, sexy patriots! How do you make looking good look so goddamn easy? We’re still thinking one of these days you might email and tell us what your secret is. But we guess it wouldn’t be a secret then. No, we’re not buttering you up. But yes, we do have some shitty news to deliver, and we figured we’d focus on your infinite fineness to put you in a good mood first. Sigh. Here goes… America is in trouble!

Hey, TBS, you’re fine as hell too and no shit, sherlocks. Ok, those are both fair points. But we’re not talking about the obvious crap like the sudden and formidable rise (return?) of American fascism, the looming end of democracy, an endless pandemic, an endless gun violence pandemic, racism in more forms than we can even count now, sexism and misogyny forever on the march or, oh yeah, a dying fucking planet.

No, we’re here to warn you about the rise of the Softer Than Baby Shit Weiner Kid. The Weiner Kids, for short, are now in the news in the Virginia gubernatorial election. You might have heard of them. They breastfeed until they’re 19, they use a fork and knife to eat yogurt and they try to hold hands with strangers when they cross a street and they violently and uncontrollably shit their underoos if a book written by a Black woman is in the same room as they are. Take for example this total fucking loser/lifelong-wedgie-recipient Blake Murphy who had his mommy make a political ad for Glenn Youngkin about how much Beloved scared his wimpy fragile little ass. He said it gave him nightmares. Dude. Your momma fucked you up. That’s why you’re a Softer Than Baby Shit Weiner Kid. Who is made of porcelain. You make your wife push you in a stroller don’t you? Just around the house? Maybe around the block late at night after the neighbors are asleep? Pacifier in or out? Bro, you’re a mess. Or to put it in a way he can understand — Goo-Goo-Ga-Ga, dickhead.

So why is this bad for America? Well, Republicans are raising seriously soft and sheltered little wuss weiner kids, and that means they’ll spend their whole lives using weird obsessions with guns and hate and tube socks stuffed down their pants to feel like real men. It’s called Don Junior syndrome, and it’s bringing us down from within. And what if we need some pasty rich kids to send off to war for a change?! Think these wieners can fight?! Of course not. So please don’t raise Softer Than Baby Shit Weiner Kids. They’re just books. You might even learn something from them. More: Huff Post, The Daily Beast

Note two: We’re sorry if we sounded like animals in the opening note. We just remember very goddamn well being told what safe space snowflakes we were and how facts didn’t care about our feelings. So yeah, stick that little shit back in his locker.

Note three: So y’all know how super fucking embarrassed we were that we missed Vice President Harris’s birthday last week. Jeez. We shouldn’t even bring that shit up. Well we are happy to say there is a big one today that we didn’t miss. Happy mothereffing birthday to an OG, an American icon and all-around superstar, Secretary Hillary Clinton. We hope you party hardy, ma’am. And not just today. And VP Harris, we are still very sorry and ashamed.

Note four: So believe it or not, we looked up “party hardy” because we thought it was actually party hearty. And you know what? They both pretty much work. So now you’re learning all kinds of shit today. More: Merriam-Webster

Note five: Also, happy birthday to Bootsy Collins. He did a lot more than this song, but this is the one we wanted to listen to today. More: YouTube

Note six: Hey! Isn’t this newsletter about politics. By golly you’re right! Here’s a bunch of shit that Joe Manchin is going to take away from working families in West Virginia and around the rest of the country because he’s a corrupt and soulless piece of shit. More: NBC News

Note seven: Shut Liberty University down. Now. And while we’re at it, go back and shut down Baylor and Michigan State and Penn State too. Or at least their athletic departments. More: Pro Publica

Note eight: Ron DeSantis is actually nuts. Like Planters lightly salted. What the eff kinda messed up guv puts out a call to the worst most selfish cops in America to come work for them? Oh right, one who kills 60,000 of his own people and brags about it. And Politico thinks this motherfucker won the pandemic. More: Washington Post, Huff Post

Note nine: These guys are seriously such dickheads. Their parents must’ve been serial killers. Who were also brother and sister. More: Reuters

Note 10: And let’s not forget about Alabama being all Alabama. More: CNN

Note 11: So it seems like a pretty big goddamn deal to us that the Republican Party is the party of trying to put men who beat women in the U.S. Senate. Maybe Democrats and the press should talk about this more. More: Washington Post

Note 12: So in case you missed it yesterday or at any point during the last several years, Facebook is earth-destroying garbage. Sadly, they are still really profitable. And they just announced plans to go after our kids more. And we’re gonna go stare at the sun for five minutes. Be right back. More: CNN, New York Times

Note 13: Remember when you were young and you said to yourself, “Someday, Zed from the Police Academy movies will be the voice of reason on this planet?” More: The Guardian

Note 14: We are really going to miss watching Carli Lloyd play for the USWNT. Just a freaking badass. Remember when she chipped in that goal from midfield? More: ESPN

Note 15: Dana Milbank on the real Glenn Youngkin is a must-read. Seriously, Virginia, don’t let this asshole win. More: Washington Post

Note 16: And don’t get complacent in New Jersey. We gotta bring this shit home next week. More: New Republic

Note 17: Trump has lost the leaders of Cowboys for Trump. The good news is that a certain Cabbage Patch Doll is getting her cowboy outfit back. More: Raw Story

Note 18: Yesterday Mo Brooks and the other terrorists said they didn’t help plan the attack on the Capitol. We totally believe them, right? More: Montgomery Adviser

Note 19: When you’re feeling down about how badly Manchin and Sinema are fucking things up for us, read a story about the judges Joe Biden is appointing. More: Huff Post

Note 20: Thanks to Aaron Blake at WaPo for chasing down this bullshit story about dead voters. Fox and Trump say so much outlandish crap because they know few reporters will remember it the way Aaron did here. More: Washington Post

Note 21: Ok, you gorgeous rock stars, let’s get to the news. We hope your week is off to a fan-fucking-tastic start, and we just know you’re gonna have a great Tuesday. Love y’all!

Above the law

So remember how Border Patrol agents photoshopped sexually explicit pictures of AOC and made jokes about dead migrants? Well they totally fucking got away with it. Yeah, it’s infuriating. Talk about an agency that is out of control and cannot be reformed. More: Slate, Washington Post

Joe and his Republicans

President Biden doesn’t hate Republicans as much as we do. It’s one of the things we wish we could change about him. But Biden gonna Biden. And really we kinda understand this move. He’s planning to make Washington Secretary of State Kim Wyman the person in charge of election security at DHS. She’s a Republican who called bullshit on the Big Lie from the beginning. And to be fair, we could sure use more of those. More: CNN

Oh no! Not the poor billionaires!

LOL. So Democrats are looking at taxing 700 billionaires to pay for shit we need, and the Republican Party is flooding the streets with tears. First McConnell then Mittens Romney and now Elon Musk are all coming out to cry and moan about the poor billionaires and how they need all their money to create jobs. Bullshit. Fuck ‘em. Tax ‘em. And then fuck ‘em again. More: Bloomberg

Today’s clips

Congressional Democrats returned to work Monday for what may be one of the most decisive weeks of Biden’s presidency, as they near a deal that could dislodge roughly $3 trillion in stalled economic spending initiatives. More: Washington Post

Election lawsuits multiplying by the day. An obscure federal agency blocking the presidential transition. The very legitimacy of Joe Biden’s victory under assault as supporters of Donald Trump riot at the Capitol.

Amid all the turmoil, lawyer Dana Remus was the voice of calm for Team Biden. More: Associated Press

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