Today's Big Stuff 10.25.21

10.25.21

It’s Monday. There are eight days until this year’s elections and 379 days until the midterm elections. (Does that math add up at all?) Facebook is going through some stuff, a deal on the Hill seems closer and Rolling Stone tells us about the terrorists in Congress.

Be advised: We cuss and we misspell shet. Adam is the worst editor.

Note: Whole. E. Shit. Sexy patriots! We freaking missed your hot asses! How in the wide world of sports are you this Monday? Well you look goddamn radiant. Existential democratic crises seem to agree with you. Us? We’re...well… we’re in shock. You ever see one of them chickens what plays tic-tac-toe? If you’ve ever seen one, then you know how unsettling it can be. We’ve felt a similar queasiness since we learned that the dumbest dumb shits in the history of this planet actually managed to do something slightly clever too.

Yeah, them Trump dumbasses have come up with a way to say “Fuck Joe Biden” without actually saying it. Apparently the kindly grandpa who eats ice cream cones and says malarkey and wants to get everyone childcare needs a good cussing so Trumpers have a new coded way to do so. They say “Let’s go, Brandon.” It’s not a very long origin story, but we still don’t want to tell it. It involves NASCAR (shocked face) and now it’s even been said on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. And it’s basically like watching a chicken play tic-tac-toe. Because it’s kinda clever for a chicken, but it’s not like the damn thing was performing surgery or building anti-semitic space lasers.

So we figured we’d get in on this action and come up with a super secret and clever way that us gorgeous democracy lovers can signal to each other that we think the former guy was an endless goddamn disaster and we hate him. We even came up with some options. Now remember this is supposed to be subtle so don’t be confused if it doesn’t make sense or directly attack Trump. Ok so here we go. First option — Hooray for Jonathan and Trump Fucking Sucks Donkey Nuts. Option two — Yay for the World Series and Donald Trump Can Eat Fucking Shit. Now again, remember these are codes for disparaging Trump so it’s ok that they are cryptic. Last option — Let’s Go Brandon and Trump Fucked America and Probably His Own Daughter.

Subtle, right? We hope y’all will shoot us an email and tell us which one of these slogans work for you. Once we have a consensus, we can start spreading the secret meaning. Have a great Monday and Hooray for Jonathan and Trump Fucking Sucks Donkey Nuts. WINK! More: Washington Post, Slate

Note two: Yo! You got an election in your state coming up? You already vote? You knock on doors? Make some calls? Well get on that shit. We’re just kidding. We know you already are. This message is for the slackers.

Note three: We hope you didn’t miss this story last week that provides even more details of the coup attempt against America that has so far resulted in not one ringleader arrest. More: Washington Post

Note four: We want to say a big thanks to our friends at the Minnesota DFL Party for having our own Adam on as a guest on their podcast. They made us blush with their kind words about our obscene little newsletter, and we’re damn grateful to them for keeping Minnesota blue. More: Listen Now

Note five: Oh no! The guy who played Gunther on Friends died! Goddamnit. Sam is a huge Friends fan. Doesn’t care who knows it. Oh and Peter Scolari died too. What a bummer. Bosom Buddies is one of the all-time greats. More: Variety, ABC News

Note six: While we’re all marveling at how Facebook continues to somehow shock us with its endless crapulence, let’s not forget that Amazon is also terrible. More: New York Times

Note seven: So call us crazy but we don’t think this guy is going to let Democratic votes count. How the fuck are we supposed to out-organize that shit? More: CNN

Note eight: We obviously aren’t lawyers, but Matt Gaetz seems fuuuuuuuucked. Can you imagine the media coverage if Democrats had an accused child rapist on the House Judiciary Committee? More: New York Times

Note nine: This happened while we were away, and we want to make sure y’all saw it. Joe Biden said that Jan. 6 happened because of white supremacy. And he’s right. And we’re glad he said it. Thank you, Mr. President. More: Axios

Note 10: He also showed some big movement on a filibuster carve-out for voting rights, and we freaking love it. More: Associated Press

Note 11: It’s amazing now many news headlines posed as questions can be answered these days with the words BY NOT BEING DUMBFUCKS. More: ABC News

Note 12: If you’re like us, you’re wondering what happens next with Steve Bannon. This is a handy explainer. More: CNN

Note 13: WaPo is really hit or miss these days, but this is some fantastic journalism. It’s nice to be able to put some faces and names with the people Joe Manchin is fucking over. More: Washington Post

Note 14: The surgeon general of Florida appears to be a new candidate for worst goddamn person in the world. More: Florida Politics

Note 15: So now for some truly awful news. SCOTUS agreed to hear arguments in the Texas abortion rights case, but they’re gonna leave that bullshit law in place in the meantime. It’s looking pretty bad for Roe. Still, we fight on. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Is it just us or should some of these shady motherfuckers be testifying in the open for the world to judge what they’ve done? More: CNN

Note 17: They’re, uh, not gonna let us win in Michigan anymore. This seem like a problem to anyone else? More: Macomb Daily

Note 18: Wages keep going up. Gosh, sure seems like a good thing for workers. Thanks, President Biden. More: Axios

Note 19: We don’t normally share SNL clips because we kinda go back and forth on that shit and we’re never going to forgive them for normalizing Trump in the 2016 race. That said, we freaking love Jason Sudeikis and this Limbaugh joke made us shoot Yoohoo out of our noses. More: Twitter

Note 20: Ok, you goddamn gorgeous lovers of liberty, let’s get to the news! We really do hope y’all had a great weekend, and we just know this week is going to find you kicking ass and taking names. Thank you for joining us today. We hope you have a great one, sexy patriot!

Fuck Zuck

Seriously, what do we have to do to lock this creepy little fucker up? People can just start genocides and civil wars and still go surfing dressed as mimes with no consequences? In case you missed the start of the avalanche on Friday, the Facebook Papers have dropped and they are some doozies. It basically confirms what we know — Zuckerberg and his greedy band of psychopaths are wrecking the world and getting rich. They’re also the same sonsofbitches who keyed your car last year. More: Associated Press, Washington Post, CNN, NBC News

So what’s the damn deal?

Anybody else sick of wondering about this shit? Apparently Democrats are getting closer to a deal on a social spending plan, and the hope is it get it all done and agreed to this week before Joe Biden leaves the country on Thursday. If you’re skeptical, we get it. Biden spent the weekend with Manchin and Schumer, and god we hate Joe Manchin so fucking much. Anyway, there seems to be movement on taxing the rich, so fingers crossed. More: Associated Press

Lock them up

We have no idea what to make of the new Rolling Stone. We were not fans of the last incarnation of the once great magazine, and we were pretty grossed out last week when they had Megan McCain’s best friend interview her about how hard it is to be a spoiled rotten piece of shit. But damn they brought some fire last night, dropping a bombshell report about how seven members of Congress were working with the Jan. 6 organizers. So um why the fuck are they still in Congress and not in jail? More: Rolling Stone

Today’s clips

On Thursday, the Nevada attorney general’s office announced it had filed two charges of voter fraud against Hartle, alleging that he forged his late wife’s name to vote with her ballot. Both charges — one for voting using the name of another person and another for voting more than once in the same election — are category D felonies that each can carry a prison sentence of up to four years, along with a fine of up to $5,000. More: Washington Post

McAuliffe’s campaign announced Thursday that Biden will headline a rally at Virginia Highlands Park in Arlington on Tuesday evening. More: Washington Post

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.