Today's Big Stuff 10.24.22

10.24.22

It’s Monday. There are 15 days until Election Day. Trump is already planning to mess with the election results, Republicans fall apart over a weasel kid named Buckley and Biden is getting his shot.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Ted Cruz is sitting next to us at a ballgame.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Holy freaking snit! We’re really in the homestretch now, and we don’t know about y’all, but our ass is tighter than a tic and we can assure you it ain’t from working out. Yeah, the stress of these next two weeks is really gonna fuck with us all. That’s why we’re recommending a new over-the-counter anti-depressant called FuckEm.

Yeah, every time we see a New York Times reporter wish-casting for a Republican wave or a pollster telling us that women aren’t actually all that upset about having their basic human rights taken from them, we take a great big handful of FuckEm. Side effects may include giving middle fingers to Republican fuckheads and shitting out of your face like Giuliani did that one time.

We know everyone is on pins and needles right now, and the main thing we want y’all to know is that you’re not alone. If you’re so freaked out about the rise of fascism and the return of Trump that your stewing in buttcrack sweat, well, we feel you. But here’s what we want you to remember — everyone counted Ukraine out too. Remember? They said Ukraine would fall right away and that Russia would have a cakewalk. And then Ukraine had something to say about it. They told a Russian warship to go fuck itself and then they raged against the dying of the light. And goddamnit we’re about to do the same. So please hang in there, Sexy Patriots. Take deep breaths and give it your all. And if that doesn’t work, grab a bottle of FuckEm.

Note two: We would like to formally invite these New York gentlemen to be honorary Sexy Patriots because this is some high-quality cussin’.

Note three: We don’t normally focus on birthdays because that’s what the scum at Politico do. But we missed a big one this weekend. This man has long been a source of inspiration around here, and we just wouldn’t be us without his big heart and endless charm. We’re talking of course about Ryan Reynolds. Oh and Adam had a birthday too. Happy belated birthday to the engine behind TBS and the original Sexy Patriot, Adam Parkhomenko.

Note four: A piece of shit judge on Friday put a halt on Biden forgiving student loans. Imagine the outrage in the press if an Obama judge had fucked over so many Americans this close to an election. Instead we got crickets because reporters shit themselves at the thought of being called elitist. More: Associated Press

Note five: Wow! We’re too in awe to comment on this…

Note six: Have y’all voted yet? Do you have a plan? What about your friends and neighbors? You seriously gotta bug the living shit out of them. Especially the young ones. We need them and not in a fucked up QAnon kinda way.

Note seven: Trump had a hate rally this weekend. Doesn’t seem like we really need to get into it. Basically he hates Americans and he’s coming for them.

Note eight: Things are so fucked up that it’s almost easy to forget that some of the sleaze that attacked our Captiol are on trial for seditious conspiracy. Or they were until one of them got COVID. More: CBS News

Note nine: That new Taylor Swift is fantastic. We listened to Anti-hero on repeat all weekend.

Note 10: Now this is some top-notch campaign work.

Note 11: Congrats to Rishi Sunak, the new PM of Britain. Given how long their PMs have been lasting, we’re not gonna learn anything about this fella except his name. For now. More: CNN

Note 12: The New York Times is reporting that Tom Brady and Ron DeSantis text each other because that’s what news is these days. We’re just gonna point out that both Brady and Joe Rogan’s Aaron Rodgers suck now, so maybe being buddies with moron d-bags makes you bad at football. NO LINK

Note 13: Y’all see Speaker Pelosi say yesterday that Trump isn’t “man enough” to show up to testify in front of the Jan. 6 committee? She really does eat his lunch every day and never gets full. More: Axios

Note 14: There were Kanye-inspired Nazis hanging signs over the 405 in LA this weekend, and Beverly Hills is getting hit with anti-semitic flyers. We hate LA nazis. And Kanye can go fuck himself too. More: LA Times

Note 15: The women of Iran are making the world hear them. We can only hope like hell the women of the United States are about to do the same.

Note 16: Merrick Garland is holding a presser this afternoon to talk about criminal activity by a nation-staten actor in the US. Whatever that means. Maybe he could also take a minute to talk about the shitheads with guns trying to scare people away from voting.

Note 17: Washington is worried about Elon Musk. Um no fucking shit. Did they just start worrying last week? Because that would worry us. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Seriously this is the greatest thing we’ve ever seen and we’re rethinking our Yankee hate.

Note 19: Lindsey Graham is asking the Supreme Court to protect him from having to testify in Georgia. We’re guessing they come through for their gutless ol’ buddy. And really shame on a press corps that watched that shady fuck go to Georgia but didn’t want to talk about him trying to have votes there thrown out. More: CNN

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful SPs, let's do some news. We hope you had an awesome weekend, we hope your holding up ok and we hope you have the best fucking Monday in the history of fucking Mondays. We love y’all, and we’ll see you tomorrow.

Here we go again

Since we never really stopped the last coup attempt, that motherfucker is still pretty much ongoing. Now Rolling Stone is reporting that Trump is planning to wage legal battles against the midterm elections in predominantly Black areas like Philly. He is basically doing a dry-run for his next attack against the US. The only remaining question is what are we gonna do about it. More: Rolling Stone

LOLOL

How much of a joke are House Republicans? They’ve fallen to vicious infighting over a blind quote about one of them hiring Tucker Carlson’s son, who has the misfortune of being Tucker’s son and of being named Buckley. Seriously was Douchebagenald already taken? Anyway, Tucker is their god now, and they live in fear of his dorky nazi ass and it would be hilarious if it wasn’t all so goddamn terrifying. More: Axios

Let’s Go, Brandon!

Tomorrow Joe Biden is going to get the new COVID booster. And honestly we feel like super overachievers because we beat him to it. This is gonna be a nightmare COVID/flu season, so get your shots if you haven’t yet. They make you extra sexy and give you that new car smell. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky on Monday criticized Israel and suggested that Russia will help Iran with its nuclear program in exchange for providing Moscow with drones and missiles for its war in Ukraine. More: Axios

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